But wait! Misinformation?

A Wyoming lawyer who happened to find herself in Bend, Oregon is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Sarah Falen, adviser to non-profit “environmentally friendly agriculture” outfit Perfect Balance, was in town on behalf of local farmers who are struggling with drought-ish conditions. Not enough water etc. but there, right in front of her outraged face, river surfers were partaking in river surfing.

Taking to TikTok, Falen declared, “I found the water that the Oregon farmers have paid for but don’t get to use and they are going out of business over because they can’t irrigate their crops — they are being completely sucked dry. It is right here in Bend, Oregon. What we are complaining about here is if the farmers get to irrigate, this river fluctuates by six inches at max. And because of six inches, farmers in Madras are going out of business. Don’t get me wrong this area is beautiful but we need to get our priorities straight.”

Anti-river surfers immediately jumped to her side, the general sentiment being, “Yep, let’s put farmers out of business over six inches of water so people can surf on fake waves on the river. Obviously, recreation is more important than food.”

Administrators were confused once the screed went viral. Mike Britton, executive manager for North Unit Irrigation District, telling the Bend Bulletin, “I’m not sure I understand the logic behind her statement that the waterpark is putting farmers out of business because the river fluctuates six inches? The water park does create operational issues for the irrigation districts at times but doesn’t prevent us from receiving the water we’re entitled to.”

And the Bend Park & Recreation District, which operates the Whitewater Park, immediately attempted to tamp down fury, posting, “The Whitewater Park has zero effect on flows in the river. The amount of water that flows in up here at the top is the exact amount that leaves at the bottom. This park requires zero (additional) water to function. It doesn’t take any water from the river it doesn’t add any water to the river. It gets all of its energy from nine feet of elevation drop.”

Falen, though, is not backing down, announcing to the aforementioned Bend Bulletin, “Quite frankly we have been trying hard to find someone to sue over this and there isn’t anything, so we want to change public perception over how the Endangered Species Act works.”

While Gerry Lopez, Bend’s most famous wave slider, has yet to make an announcement it’s hard not to feel for the local river surfers. A tough burden to bear in the best of times.

Send love and light their way if you can today.

GOAT jumping.

Very sad news broke, today, that football’s greatest of all-time, one Tom Brady, and his wife, the Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen have each hired divorce lawyers. The two, married since 2009 and sharing two children, have been at the highest peak of Mt. Power Couple for years and have seemed to live in a fairytale though rumors of discord began percolating this year.

Per Page Six:

As previously revealed, the couple have been living separately for the past couple months following an epic fight — and they’re now apparently looking at dividing up their multimillion-dollar empire.

“I never actually thought this argument would be the end of them, but it looks like it is,” one source in the know tells Page Six.

“I don’t think there will be any coming back now. They both have lawyers and are looking at what a split will entail, who gets what and what the finances will be.”

And, again, very sad though surf fans, ever vulgar, are quietly rubbing their hands in glee, lighting candles in the hope that a newly single Bündchen may just might rekindle her flame with professional surfing’s greatest of all-time Kelly Slater.

GOAT jumping.

Students of our sport’s history know that Slater and Bündchen enjoyed a year long romance from 2005 through 2006, two seasons he maybe not coincidentally won World Titles.

While Slater is currently in a relationship with a girlfriend he describes as “Chinese,” stranger things have happened than two old lovers connecting after decades of separation.

See: Ben Affleck and J-Lo.

Where’s your head at in all this?

More importantly, I suppose, where is your heart?

"Take this filth away!"

One of the most shocking break-ups in this the year 2022 has been that of Mark Zuckerberg and surfing. Months ago, the Facebook founder and CEO was in love’s full bloom, using surfing, or his favorite surfing-adjacent activity foiling, to roll out the “metaverse.” There he sat next to BFF Kai Lenny before paddling in and absolutely crushing a flipped Teahupoo.

Before that, Zuckerberg enchanted podcasters with tales of his big wave exploits, foiling up and down his island of Kauai’s coast, celebrating America’s freedom by foiling a lake.

No cloud darkened that beautiful sky… until mixed martial arts reared its cauliflower ear’d head.

Zuckerberg instantly left our surfing behind, beguiling podcasters with stories of his training, leaking PDA-filled sessions with new BFF Khai “The Shadow” Wu, sitting octagon-side after reportedly renting out UFC Fight Night 211, mouth open, lusting.

Surfing goodbye’d.

Surfing jilted.

Except maybe surfing lingering as the sweetest “what-might-have-been” in the heart of his wife Priscilla Chan. The philanthropist and former pediatrician, sitting next to Zuckerberg, was forced to shield her eyes in horror as men bloodied each other on the mat. Vicious. Vicious and vile and ugly. Nothing like the pure wholesomeness of surfing.

The G-rated clean of handsome Kai Lenny.

Do you think Chan was thinking of Lenny whilst covering her eyes? Trying to sort out a way to reunite her husband and his former flame?

I’d have to guess probably.

Kai Lenny, truly, has no weakness in defenses.

Ideal in every way.

More as the story develops.