Surfer saved from GW nuzzling by brave pilots.

Insane scenes on Australian beach as aircraft crashes into water after warning surfer he was being stalked by a twenty-foot Great White shark, “They were like guardian angels coming to save me!”

"I watched them circle twice around Bill… and on the third loop, they were literally hanging out the side of it pointing at the shark!"

Two good Samaritans have been forced to crash-land their bird after flying low to warn a surfer he was being stalked by a twenty-foot Great White on a remote stretch of coastline in NSW’s far south. 

Bill Ballard was surfing a joint called Wallagoot when he was buzzed by the little plane.

“I looked up at both of the people in the aircraft and they were almost hanging over the side screaming at me, ‘shark, shark!’ and pointing at a big shadow in the water 20 metres away,” Bill told The Examiner’s on the ground reporter Amandine Ahrens.  

“I looked up at both of the people in the aircraft and they were almost hanging over the side screaming at me, ‘shark, shark!’ and pointing at a big shadow in the water 20 metres away. At first, I thought they must have mistaken it for a dolphin and I kept asking if they were sure it wasn’t, but the pilot said, ‘no, I’ve been flying for years and I know exactly what a shark looks like.” 

Billy’s mama Janine saw the drama unfold. 

“I watched them circle twice around Bill, and I hadn’t realised they were trying to contact him, and on the third loop, they were literally hanging out the side of it pointing at the shark… I watched it thinking, they’re trying to get to the beach, but they’re not going to make it, because they kept falling and then it just went bang into the water.” 

Beachgoers helped pull the bird out of the water and drove the pilots back to their car, reports The Examiner.

Weird thing about the episode is no photos of the event nor a description of the bird involved as if this was some sorta alt-universe where no one carries a well-thumbed telephone.

Y’ever seen a beachgoer not locked into their telephone?


Update: The lil bird was a gyro-copter! Photo below!

Little crashed bird.

Happy PLA commando riding his jet-powered surfboard!

In awesome show of force, China’s People’s Liberation Army reveals “jet-powered surfboards” as secret weapon in upcoming invasion of Taiwan, “The camera pans out to show a full squad of 12 men riding the surfboards in tight formation!”

"In the final scene, the commandos rush up the beach with assault rifles in hand."

Mainland China and its pretty little offshoot Taiwan have been poised on the brink since ol’ Chiang Kai-Shek and his Chinese Nationalists (the Kuomintang) fled the mainland in 1949, roundly defeated by Mao Zedong’s Commie bastards following that country’s twenty-two year civil war. 

Both of ‘em were bastards, as it were, the Nationalists declaring martial law in Taiwan and not lifting the jackboot from the people’s neck until 1987, the island’s sand reddened by the blood of 140,000 of its citizens. 

Anyway, mainland China was, is, always gonna come for Taiwan. 

And, as revealed today, the People Liberation Army, has turned to jet-powered surfboards to get its commandos onto Taiwan’s beaches. 

Military enthusiast Louis Cheung tweeted a 24-second clip, ripped from a China Youth Daily vid posted on Weibo,  showing PLA commandoes on the revolutionary craft. 

Taiwan News reports, 

In the video, soldiers in black wetsuits can be seen carrying large, waterproof rucksacks and they lie prone on surfboards. The tiny craft are only large enough to hold one man and are self-propelled. One rider can be seen wearing goggles, and the face of another can be seen in another shot as he peers over the board.

After focusing on individual riders, the camera pans out to show a full squad of 12 men who can be seen riding the surfboards in tight formation. Towards the end of the video, the frogmen can be seen landing on a beach and discarding their boards as they are guided in by a man waving red flags.

In the final scene, the commandos rush up the beach with assault rifles in hand.

The obvious question is, should the West muzzle the Commies and save Taiwan or let the remnants of the Kuomintang fall on its sword.

The sensible money would be to give China its prize and hope we all get along although I believe that once the Reds’ nostrils quiver in the stink of victory they won’t stop until the Pacific is theirs.

Therefore, affix your bayonets boys, we going over the top!

Banzai! Etc.

Or no?

Slater (pictured) like Brady only wetter.
Slater (pictured) like Brady only wetter.

As Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady hire divorce lawyers, surf fans light candles in hope that Brazilian supermodel and 11x champion Kelly Slater rekindle sizzling romance!

GOAT jumping.

Very sad news broke, today, that football’s greatest of all-time, one Tom Brady, and his wife, the Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen have each hired divorce lawyers. The two, married since 2009 and sharing two children, have been at the highest peak of Mt. Power Couple for years and have seemed to live in a fairytale though rumors of discord began percolating this year.

Per Page Six:

As previously revealed, the couple have been living separately for the past couple months following an epic fight — and they’re now apparently looking at dividing up their multimillion-dollar empire.

“I never actually thought this argument would be the end of them, but it looks like it is,” one source in the know tells Page Six.

“I don’t think there will be any coming back now. They both have lawyers and are looking at what a split will entail, who gets what and what the finances will be.”

And, again, very sad though surf fans, ever vulgar, are quietly rubbing their hands in glee, lighting candles in the hope that a newly single Bündchen may just might rekindle her flame with professional surfing’s greatest of all-time Kelly Slater.

GOAT jumping.

Students of our sport’s history know that Slater and Bündchen enjoyed a year long romance from 2005 through 2006, two seasons he maybe not coincidentally won World Titles.

While Slater is currently in a relationship with a girlfriend he describes as “Chinese,” stranger things have happened than two old lovers connecting after decades of separation.

See: Ben Affleck and J-Lo.

Where’s your head at in all this?

More importantly, I suppose, where is your heart?

"Come home to us, Kai..."
"Come home to us, Kai..."

Mark Zuckerberg’s wife appears to regret family pivot to combat sport; shrieks while blood squirts likely reminiscing about Kai Lenny’s wholesome surf hot!

"Take this filth away!"

One of the most shocking break-ups in this the year 2022 has been that of Mark Zuckerberg and surfing. Months ago, the Facebook founder and CEO was in love’s full bloom, using surfing, or his favorite surfing-adjacent activity foiling, to roll out the “metaverse.” There he sat next to BFF Kai Lenny before paddling in and absolutely crushing a flipped Teahupoo.

Before that, Zuckerberg enchanted podcasters with tales of his big wave exploits, foiling up and down his island of Kauai’s coast, celebrating America’s freedom by foiling a lake.

No cloud darkened that beautiful sky… until mixed martial arts reared its cauliflower ear’d head.

Zuckerberg instantly left our surfing behind, beguiling podcasters with stories of his training, leaking PDA-filled sessions with new BFF Khai “The Shadow” Wu, sitting octagon-side after reportedly renting out UFC Fight Night 211, mouth open, lusting.

Surfing goodbye’d.

Surfing jilted.

Except maybe surfing lingering as the sweetest “what-might-have-been” in the heart of his wife Priscilla Chan. The philanthropist and former pediatrician, sitting next to Zuckerberg, was forced to shield her eyes in horror as men bloodied each other on the mat. Vicious. Vicious and vile and ugly. Nothing like the pure wholesomeness of surfing.

The G-rated clean of handsome Kai Lenny.

Do you think Chan was thinking of Lenny whilst covering her eyes? Trying to sort out a way to reunite her husband and his former flame?

I’d have to guess probably.

Kai Lenny, truly, has no weakness in defenses.

Ideal in every way.

More as the story develops.

Surfer dragged from jaws of Great White by impossibly brave husband shifts to boxing following severe nerve damage and partial paralysis of bitten leg, “I was just really sick of feeling like I couldn’t function”

Anytime she thinks about the attack “I’m hit with low grade nausea and panic. And that just comes at me day after day, after day."

Twenty twenty was a helluva year for Great White attacks in Australia, east coast, west coast, they were everywhere. 

By August of that year, there had been five fatals, including two on surfers: fifteen-year-old Mani Hart-Deville at Wooli, two hours north of Port Macquarie, and sixty-year-old Rob Pedretti at Kingscliff, another couple of hours north.

Over at Bunker Bay in Western Australia, twenty-eight-year-old surfer Phil Mummert was hit by a “freakishly large” Great White.

“The White came out the water and inhaled the board pretty much,” said a witness. 

In Tasmania, a ten-year-old kid was snatched from the deck of a fishing boat by a Great White, only to be dragged back on board by his dad. 

A psycho year that was confirmed at the end of August when  thirty-five-year-old surfer Chantelle Doyle was hit by a ten-foot Great White at Shelly Beach in Port Macquarie, a pretty fishing town on Australia’s mid-North Coast.

It was only an act of impossible bravery by her husband, belting the White in the face until it released its grip on his wife’s leg, that saved the woman, 

“This fella paddle over and jumped off his board onto the shark and hit it to get it to release her…pretty full-on, really heroic,” said Surf Life Saving NSW chief executive Steven Pearce.

Wild, yes? 

Two years on, Chantelle has shifted to boxing following severe nerve damage to her bitten leg, which means she’s gotta wear a brace on her left foot and lower leg.

“My leg is still partially paralysed,” she told ABC News. “And I had expected a lot more and I was just really sick of feeling like I couldn’t function the way I ever used to function. So I started boxing.”

Anytime she thinks about the attack “I’m hit with low grade nausea and panic. And that just comes at me day after day, after day.”

Of the attack,

“It grabbed me and I grabbed the board and it readjusted … There were three distinct readjustments of the jaws. I was holding on to the nose of my board… It was like being bitten by a dog – it’s painful but it’s more this intense pressure and squeezing and crushing.”

Not that she holds any grudges against Great Whites.

Her six-minute bout on October 29 will be leveraged to raise money for the Australian Marine Conservation Society.

“I have this crazy vision that Australia could be a global role model for biodiversity and living with nature and I really think we can be,” she says.


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