Surf fans wring hands in worry over Kelly Slater’s financial health after surf great, onetime flame Gisele Bündchen, her ex-Tom Brady, Larry David exposed in cryptocurrency exchange collapse!

Candle, please.

Things were going so wonderfully well for surf fans and their dreamed of reunion between Kelly Slater and Gisele Bündchen. The ink dried, almost instantly, on the Brazilian supermodel and her ex-husband, Tom Brady’s, divorce papers. She moved herself to Costa Rica, very near the ayahuasca retreat center where the world’s greatest surfer just so happens to sit on the board, and an announcement of conscious re-coupling seemed but days away.

Until, that is, cryptocurrency exchange FTX collapsed earlier this month.

Founded by Sam Bankman-Fried three years ago, the exchange promised to be the place that cryptocurrencies would be bought and sold. The future experienced in real time. No pesky “government printed dollar bills” getting in the way. Bright skies. Big horizons. Pure non-fungibility.

Megastars, including Larry David, Tom Brady, his ex-wife Bündchen were quick to sign on, invest, make beautiful commercials together.

But then came the crash.

Per CBS Sports:

The cryptocurrency market was rocked Friday by the collapse of FTX, which filed for bankruptcy and saw CEO Sam Bankman-Fried resign after his assets plummeted in worth from $16 billion at the beginning of the week to virtually nothing. The fall of FTX, which had been hailed as a trusted crypto platform, is set to have major consequences for its investors, several of whom are major figures on the field and in the business of sports.

One such prominent investor is Tom Brady.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB and his now ex-wife Gisele Bundchen are among the celebrity investors in FTX, as the two were announced as having taken major equity stakes in the company in 2021. He has served as a brand ambassador for the company and starred in its commercials, receiving cryptocurrency in return, while Bundchen was named the company’s environmental and social initiatives adviser.

Brady and FTX’s other major investors have now likely lost most if not all of their stake in the company, particularly after a deal for cryptocurrency giant Binance to rescue FTX fell through after a review of the company’s finances.

Bleak.

And it might be thought, amongst polite society, that Slater was spared the fall and would have plenty of reserves to sweep Bündchen out of financial despair.

Alas, surf fans know that our hero is a “diamond handed” crypto holder, extolling various tokens, going to war with Elon Musk over strategies.

Certainly, currently, taking a complete bath.

But silver lining?

Slater and Bündchen able to commiserate over losses?

A fun little competition of whose hands are diamonder?

Inexpensive camping trips and a re-connection with simpler times?

Ayahuasca?

Candle, please.