Frat boy behavior trail. Photo: Supplied
Frat boy behavior trail. Photo: Supplied

Last remaining vestige of once-great Surfer Magazine bucks “woke” culture, returns to butts n boobs heyday by launching “Surfer (The Girl)” contest featuring scantily clad women who don’t actually surf!

What would Tyler Wright say?

The World Surf League (founded 2015 circa 1976) has gone all in on one thing, this past year, and it is not quality waves on tour. No, we are back to Surf Ranch, Lower Trestles, etc. for the upcoming 2023 season but it will be equal junk (save number of surfers) between men and women at each of the stops.

Equal prize money, equal opportunity, equal equal.

So equal, in fact, that tennis great Billie Jean King is said to, now, be aware of surfing in all of its equal glory.

Equality for the win.

For those new to the sport, this equal may seem natural but there was once a dark time (1980 – 2005) when the women were mostly expected to trot the stage in skimpy bikinis and “win” leering looks from men in the audience.

Decidedly un-chill but the last remaining vestige of once-great Surfer Magazine, Surfer (The Bar), has decided to revisit these troubled times by launching the Surfer (The Girl) contest.

The publication, which folded in 2020 after purchase by the aptly named David Pecker, had ambitiously launched a few watering holes one of which still exists in Jacksonville, Florida. And now we have that establishment launching a butts n boobs contest. None of the participants appear to actually surf, the hope for winning relying solely on physical assets.

A few are holding skateboards.

One a Golden Retriever.

But will hurry and place your vote? Click your tongue in disgust? Other?

It must be noted that Rip Curl is a major sponsor of the event.

What would Tyler Wright say?

Surf fans squeal in disbelief as Tom Brady signals shock support for Gisele Bündchen, Kelly Slater rekindling legendary romance!

New chapters.

The ink is now well dry on Tom Brady and his official ex-wife Gisele Bündchen’s divorce documents. The books on thirteen years of marriage officially closed. Surf fans, as you know, have been watching the dissolution closely. Oh divorce is never a desired, or hoped for, outcome of any happy union but whispers are that the quarterback great and his Brazilian supermodel have been “living separate lives” for years and wouldn’t at least her separate life be better spent with Kelly Slater?

The two, famously, dated for some very successful months between 2005 and 2006, both reaching pinnacles of success in their fields. Bündchen the highest paid supermodel on earth during that time. Slater winning two of his eleven world titles and surf fans dreamed of a return to Camelot.

Certain worries have presented themselves along the way. Namely, that Pete Davidson opened betting season as Bündchen’s next beau followed closely by Hawaiian stud Jason Momoa. Slater fell  to eighth (+3300) but the fact that he was on the list at all drove the perpetually hopeful to bookies, lit candles in hand.

Another, how would Brady react to his ex and Slater’s almost inevitable rekindling?

Well, the quarterback showed much poise in a victory over the Los Angeles Rams, yesterday, and then declared in a press conference, “We (he and Bündchen) wish only the best for each other as we pursue new chapters in our lives that are yet to be written. We kindly ask for privacy and respect as we navigate what is to come in the days and weeks ahead.”

Only the best?

New chapters?

Surf fans rubbed their eyes, re-read and squealed in disbelief.

All roadblocks, save Pete Davidson, suddenly cleared. The gilded path almost wide open.

Light candles for Davidson and his rumored longed for reconciliation with Kim Kardashian please.

We’ve got this.

Jordan R. Anast
Jordan R. Anast

“Photobombing great white shark” becomes most viral surf image of all-time frustrating World Surf League executives and their Stalin-esque hopes of total global domination!

Tears in Santa Monica.

Oh but certainly you’ve seen it, by now, and many multiple times. Jordan Anast’s stunning image of a longboarder mid-contest, at famed San Onofre, and that juvenile great white shark shooting skyward in the background. Snapped October 22, the photograph has taken on a life of its own, being featured in every major and minor media across the globe, most recently CNN.

Anast told the left-leaning service, “I didn’t know until I looked closely after, and saw the structures of the fins. Then I realized it was a great white shark.”

Wonderful and, officially, the most viral snap in surfing’s history.

The problem?

Well, the longboarding contest was not a sanctioned World Surf League event, rather a local San Onofre Surf Club shootout, thus leaving the “global home of surfing” far away from the glorious spotlight.

As you know, the World Surf League has been on a campaign to radically alter surfing’s past, present and future since its establishment in 2015 and headquartered in Santa Monica, California. Top officials quickly declared that it was actually founded 39 years earlier, in 1976, and dipped into various Wikipedias to burnish the narrative.

Kelly Slater’s first WSL championship, for example, came in 1992.

Sixteen years before the WSL came to be.

In any case, the most viral moment in non-Stalinist WSL history was when Mick Fanning became entangled with a great white shark during a contest in South Africa.

The moment was flashed on screens, globally, including CNN and World Surf League brass did their best to leverage into the stratospheric growth we are witnessing today.

Numbers to the moon.

Not, though, as high as this newest San Onofre sensation.

The question, I suppose, will the World Surf League absorb the San Onofre Longboard Club in order to lay claim or is Santa Monica’s hatred of longboarding more powerful?

Currently more questions than answers.

Robinson and his Gut Slider, with Tom Morey, inset, banging away in heaven. | Photo: Main photo Chris Hewgill/hewysurf_photography

Australian surfer reimagines Tom Morey’s iconic boogie board, dubs it ‘The Gut Slider’ and now miracles are afoot, “I’ve seen a guy who hasn’t been able to [stand-up surf] for years. He got on one of these things and was like 15 again.”

"I am on fire. I am dangerous, I am absolutely out of control.”

You’ll remember, of course, the death of surfing’s great gift to the world, the inventor Tom Morey, who died a couple of months after his eighty-sixth birthday, last October. 

Ol Tom exited blind and broke despite the outrageous success of the boogie board which had just celebrated its fiftieth anniversary. 

Morey invented the 4’6”, 23” wide foam boog in 1971; it was more than a toy for kids to hold onto in shorebreaks, he explained, this was a profound shift in waveriding. 

“For anybody to become a graduate of this planet,” Morey who would sell out of his Boogie biz four years later thereby missing the rivers of gold said, “it is essential that they learn to enjoy this activity.”

Now, an Australian surfboard shaper from the sweet little country town of Nambucca Heads, a few hours south of Byron, has put his tweak on the iconic lid and says miracles are afoot.

Keith Robinson, who is seventy-four, says he made his fibreglass“gut slider” so his sixty-seven-year-old buddy, Toni Jovancay, who was so tortured with hip pain he’d holstered his sticks, could get back into surfing. 

“As soon as I paddled out in North Valla, I immediately knew this was fantastic,” Jovancay told ABC. “If I didn’t have other things in life, I’d say it has changed my whole life.”

Two weeks on the GS and he says, “I am on fire. I am dangerous, I am absolutely out of control.” 

Robinson says he’s been making a couple of ‘em a week for surfers who’ve been hobbled by uncooperative ankles, knees, hips or for riding post-op.

Nambucca Heads photographer Chris Hewgill said, “I’ve seen a guy who hasn’t been able to [stand-up ride] for years. He got on one of these things and was like 15 again.”

I’m about three years away from one of these things, although better to be in the water than not at all, no?

Or better to quit and never return?

Rumor: Industry insider declares World Surf League self-funded popular Make or Break show; “It’s like hiring a model to take to your reunion. Looks like you scored a hottie but it’s just bringing a working girl to the dance!”

Pretty woman.

One of the major World Surf League successes, in a historically successful year, was the glorious Make or Break, which aired on Apple TV to much acclaim and picked up for a second year. The “peek behind the Wall of Positive Noise” was loved by surf fans and others alike and the two groupings cannot wait for season two… except, is all as it seems? For a stunning new rumor from an impeccable industry insider declares our WSL actually funded the entire production as nothing more than an infomercial.

Per the source:

They were able to get it on the prestige platform by agreeing to hire the premium, high-end production company Box to Box but it is ONLY because the WSL is paying for the show that Apple picked it up. How expensive is this? Well, I believe it was 7 episode series last round, and in talking to a number of people about guessing — and it IS a guess — there’s no way the per episode production cost is less than $500,000, more likely in the $750,000 range. So at a bare minimum it’s an out-of-pocket cost of $3.5 million, and more likely $5,250,000 plus range for a season. I wouldn’t be shocked, btw, as others I talked to agree if the per episode cost was closer to million dollars. Also, according to my source, it’s because it’s free programming to Apple that there is a second season – not because it did particularly great, even if it was solid. It wasn’t numbers, it was that by using Box to Box, a premium and excellent production company, Apple agreed to this arrangement and as far as I know this hasn’t been disclosed anywhere, either by Apple or obviously the WSL. The whole campaign and pride, regularly boasted about by Logan in every interview is about being on this prestige platforms, but basically what you’re seeing is an infomercials which is why while there may be some semi controversial items (e.g. Wright’s woke politics) overall there are no true villains or controversy in the series. It’s the great Chinese Wall of Positive Noise!

The WSL paying for production dollars for Make or Break is like hiring a model to take to your reunion. Looks like you scored a hottie (e.g. Apple TV) but it’s just like bringing a working girl to the dance.

A house of cards?

Oh House of Cards was cancelled after star Kevin Spacey made allegedly naughty with the nerdy ginger from Dazed and Confused… so maybe?

More as the story develops.