Photo: @therock
Photo: @therock

Surfing’s birthplace reels under staggering Snickers shortage as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson buys every last candy bar on Hawaiian island to pay for past sins!


As any hungry surfer knows, Snickers really satisfies. The iconic candy bar, packed with peanuts, has long been a staple of quick energy burst pre or post session. As delicious as it is nutritious and yet surfing’s very birthplace, the island chain of Hawaii, is currently staggering under a devastating Snickers shortage right as larger, protein-necessitating swells are hammering the shore.

Who is to blame?

As it happens, mega-moviestar Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Per disturbing reports:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson joked this week he had finally “exorcised this damn chocolate demon” after he returned to the Hawaii 7-Eleven — where he claimed he used to steal a Snickers “every day” as a 14-year-old – and bought out all of the nougat bars.

The “Black Adam” star explained in an Instagram post that his family was “broke as hell” when he was living on the island and for nearly a year when he was 14, he would swipe a Snickers from the store as his pre-workout snack.

The actor and former wrester known as “The Rock” said his family was “evicted from Hawaii” in 1987, and he had wanted to return to “right this wrong” for decades.

While the bulging stud may feel better, poor surfers currently in Haleiwa participating in the Challenger Series hoping to punch their ticket to the bigs are left weak and shaky.


I can certainly understand their bad feelings but have a solve. After surfing in Oregon’s freezing cold water, as a younger man, I’d dip into Davey Jones’ Locker there in Charleston and buy Hostess cherry or apple pies. Though not packed with peanuts, they were delicious, satisfying and two for a dollar.

Will The Rock attempt to rob starving Zeke Lau et. al. from those next?

Here’s to hoping he has a heart.

Slater (left) living dangerously.
Slater (left) living dangerously.

As cryptocurrency heavies mysteriously die one after another, surf fans worry “diamond handed” investor Kelly Slater in imminent danger!

No country for young men.

Those, here, interested in financial markets, stocks, bonds, etc. Those who listen somewhat regularly to Kai Ryssdal have certainly tracked the extraordinary rise and current fall of cryptocurrencies. What were once seen as “fake nerd monies” soared to the highest of heights before experiencing a real bummer of late. Fortunes disappearing. Fortunes and now, also, mysteriously heavies in the game.

Russian magnate Vyacheslav Taran, a young 53, died days ago in a helicopter crash whilst flying from Lausanne, Switzerland to Monaco. The weather was perfectly fine, clear as a bell, with an experienced pilot at the levers. Taran had made billions from cryptocurrency and became the third such heavy to die unexpectedly in a matter of weeks. Hong Kong cryptocurrency trading platform founder Tiantian Kullander, 30, “died in his sleep” on November 23 and Nikolai Mushegian, 29, who also co-founded a cryptocurrency trading platform, drowned in Puerto Rico after tweeting, “CIA and Mossad and pedo elite are running some kind of sex-trafficking entrapment blackmail ring out of Puerto Rico and Caribbean islands. They are going to frame me with a laptop planted by my ex [girlfriend] who was a spy. They will torture me to death.”

Surf fans have, immediately, turned their attention toward Kelly Slater and his well-being. The world’s greatest surfer, an 11x world champion, is a noted cryptocurrency player, savaging Elon Musk two-ish years back for refusing to take Bitcoin as payment for Teslas, writing, “I think Elon’s board and backers hate crypto and what it’s doing for the average investor and pressured him to put out a statement which they knew would inevitably tank bitcoin. I hope the SEC is taking a good look at this (and all of them who might be buying the dip today and this week in their private accounts). Interesting times. But Elon is bad for crypto.”

Slater has let it be known that he is a “diamond handed” investor in various cryptocurrencies but especially bitcoin, meaning he will not be cowed by market downturns etc. That he believes in his strategies and will hold firm come what may.

Surf fans hope beyond hope, though, that he will be sensible and that if he notices someone following him, say, wearing a trench coat and fedora or maybe sporting a creepy bowl haircut that he will not be too proud to sell low even if he bought high.

The World Surf League’s 2023 Championship Tour is just about to get underway and Slater is currently ranked fifteenth.

We need at least one more run at the crown.


Open Thread: Comment Live Day Two of the Haleiwa Challenger where some surfers can’t believe in themselves unless someone believes in them first!

Be the change!

Towersey, inset, and surfer in vintage Benzo.

Wildly handsome blond surfer in vintage Mercedes Benz whose poor parallel parking form briefly united both sides of politics hit with bombshell new allegations, “He had ten cars backed up for eight minutes!”

You seen that before? Drive you nuts?

You’ll remember, of course, the surfer-turned-citizen cop Chad Towersey. 

His Instagram account @ocinstanews is a treasure chest of gotcha journalism, Towersey’s leering mask behind the telephone camera a source of terror for Orange County wrongdoers.

The lantern-jawed Towersey aka Unkle Tito, who is forty-three, became the toast of mainstream American media one month ago after a video appeared on his Instagram page showing a gal gone wild in a three-wheeled SUV.

Towersey snatched the footage of the woman he dubbed “Zanny Nanny” on the 405 freeway headed north to Irvine as he was driving to his job as a solar panel salesman.

Now, a five-year-old video of a surfer hitting bumpers while attempting to park at Newport, and filmed by Towersey, has resurfaced thanks to Reddit, and which Chas Smith wrote about yesterday. 

A brief recap, 

Let us travel, together, to Newport Beach, California, where our scene unfolds in broad daylight. For here we witness a surf caricature, floppy blonde hair, sunglasses, attempting to parallel park a white older model Mercedes station wagon festooned with an orange longboard. 

The “Chad” pulls up, cellphone out and ready, declaring, “Ahhh, now you’re hitting cars, bro, come on,” in classic west coast whine.

The “surfer” flashes a peace sign and responds, “Get a job, Chad. Is that your name? Chad? Go and hit up some açaí berries.”

Surfer girlfriend, girl friend or wife then appears as Chad tries to warn her not to get hit, that “He’s hitting cars.”

She says, “Dude, I know who you are.” He says, “Stop touching me.”

And the whole business devolves from there.

Towersey, who removed the video from his page soon after it appeared because the man in wagon said he was getting teased by Newport Beach locals, says the crude parking wasn’t even the worst of his crimes. 

“It was a hot summer’s day and if you’re waiting for a parking spot you pull over so people can go around,” says Towersey. “And this was the most irritable thing. He was double parked and he had ten cars backed up for eight minutes. Not every street in Newport allows you to do it, but on this street you can. If you have half a brain, you pull over to the right. And then I pull up and watch him trying to park and he’s playing bumper cars.” 

You seen that before?

Drive you nuts? 

Mall, beach, and traffic backs up because one person is determined to jump into a particular car space and to hell with how long it takes?

Almost enough to turn a man into a lethal jack-in-the-box, ain’t it?

The correct response, as Towersey states, is to pull over and allow traffic to pass or move on until you find a vacant parking spot. 

Or is he wrong?

Emily Ratajkowski (left) with North County local.
Emily Ratajkowski (left) with North County local.

San Diego area surfers toast their rising stock as they live vicariously through famous first daughter Emily Ratajkowski and her red hot romance with Pete Davidson!

All for one and one for all!

When it was first reported that Emily Ratajkowski was becoming divorced from then-husband Sebastian Bear-McClard, San Diego area surfers became instantly and keenly interested in the drama. Ratajkowski, you see, hails from the quaint North County town of Encinitas, previously most famous for its subcontinental-inspired Self Realization Fellowship overlooking the aptly named “Swamis.”

The model/actor had been moved into the town as an infant and spent her youth going to various botanical gardens, likely eating tacos, trick-or-treating on Sandcastle Lane, sunning at Stone Steps, attending San Dieguito Academy High School before pursuing fame and fortune in New York.

She reached a certain level of fame, of course, pre and during marriage but her star absolutely exploded post. Initially rumored to be romantically involved with Brad Pitt, Encinitas locals, and especially local surfers, went rabid attempting to spot the couple at Kaito Sushi, Seaside Market, Leucadia Pizzeria (which is named after the neighboring hamlet but is actually in Encinitas). After those whispers were proven less than true, the selfsame locals imagined they could woo Ratajkowski themselves and return her to the home she no doubt loves. Alas, the world’s most desirable man Pete Davidson swooped in and now he and the Blurred Lines temptress have been pictured here, there, most recently courtside at a New York Knicks basketball game.

Initially saddened, the locals have rebounded and are now toasting their rising stock. Never before has an Encinitan or Leucadian or even Cardiff-by-the-Seacer been pictured sitting courtside at a New York Knicks basketball game, much less photographed. Never before has one of us captivated so grandviewly. And as is the way, here, one local’s success is every local’s success. Rob Machado’s 2000s Pipeline Masters as much mine as his.

How much higher can Ratajkowski fly? Pete Davidson is only a stepping stone, certainly, but who do locals want to see her with at the very end if not one of us?

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater?

Sorry, he’s taken.

More as the story develops.