UFC superstar Izzy Adesanya and king of Teahupoo/Surf Ranch Raimana. | Photo: @raimanaworld

UFC superstar Israel Adesanya shocks fight fans with surf skills under tutelage of wildly sexy Tahitian stud described by supermodel Cindy Crawford as “human Viagra…he can get anyone up even me!”

The pair now plan to travel to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch for further instruction.

It’s been a tough few weeks for the Nigerian-born UFC superstar Israel Adesanya, who finally relinquished his middle-weight belt after five successful belt defences.

If you watched the November 13 fight, oowee, Izzy got stung by three-tons of ass-kicking horse in the human form of Brazilian kickboxer Alex Pereira.

Since the L, Adesanya has been smoothing himself out in French Polynesia, specifically on the island of Tahiti, and alongside Raimana Van Bastolaer, former Teahupoo ambassador turned smiling face of the Surf Ranch, and described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

(Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, a terrible chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.)


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A post shared by Cindy Crawford (@cindycrawford)

In a series of photos and video posted by Raimana on Instagram, we see thirty-three-year-old Adesanya, a former dance champion along with his UFC titles and various kickboxing trophies, display his uncanny balance on a Mick Fanning softboard after being whipped into a wave, and kicked along by Raimana’s invaluable advice.

“Go! Stand up! Relax, relax, relax, relax, good, relax, relax,” tells the Champ.

The pair now plan to travel to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch for further instruction.

McGregor (right) laughing while Rogan remains incredulous. Photo: Instagram
McGregor (right) laughing while Rogan remains incredulous. Photo: Instagram

Noted surf personality interviewer Joe Rogan takes vicious swipe at new enemy Conor McGregor in light of Liver King steroid scandal: “He’s taking his shirt off and posing constantly and he looks like his piss would melt that drug testing cup!”

Human potential.

The Liver King steroid scandal has stunned many corners of this great globe but none more than the one occupied by surfers. Performance enhancing drugs are generally not central to the conversation of those who find pleasure on the ocean’s waves but with professionals who compete at the highest levels advertising banned substances on social media and the clearly non-existent testing conducted by the World Surf League, many are wondering if they should be.

Might a little injection of pure testosterone give one the guts to paddle Teahupo’o, for example?

Well, noted surf personality interview Joe Rogan waded straight into the waters this weekend and used his new enemy, the once-great mixed martial artist Conor McGregor, as his punching bag.

McGregor, you certainly recall, bashed Rogan last week, calling him a “f*cking tick” while declaring, “Proper Twelve blow the jaw off you stick to that other gick boondock head.”

So Rogan’s latest guest was a performance enhancing drug expert and the two discussed McGregor’s astounding new musculature with Rogan declaring, “He’s taking his shirt off and posing constantly and he looks like his piss would melt that USADA cup. Like it would just like burn a hole right through the bottom of that USADA cup.”

The USADA is, of course, the United States Anti-Doping Agency.

And this spike in anabolic steroid interest hasn’t been so great since Brian “The Boz” Bosworth was playing football in Erik Logan’s Oklahoma. Since Ivan Drago went toe to with Rocky Balboa in Moscow on Christmas Day.

And, thus, I ask again for surfers everywhere. Should one of our heroes or heroines give it all a go?

Is one already giving it a go?

Human potential.

A real ol fashioned blood feud 'tween Nat, left, and Griffin Foy, right.

Californian surf cities on the brink as death threats allegedly fly after mild breach of surf etiquette by popular world tour veteran, “Dude acts like this and has the whole city ready to fight or kill for him”

"This guy's a hometown hero does whatever he wants and has the whole city sending me threats and how they are gunna get me."

The rivalry between Californian “surf cities” Santa Cruz and Huntington Beach, a tinderbox since a 2008 settlement that gave the Surf City trademark to HB, has exploded following a low-level breach of surf etiquette by the Santa Cruz world tour veteran Nat Young. 

Huntington Beach’s Griffin Foy threw a firebomb on Instagram, claiming Young, a former rookie of the year who fell off the tour following a series of personal tragedies only to requalify a few years later, stole onto his wave and then sought a “hit” on the HB shredder. 

Now, Foy, who calls himself “gfoy”, has challenged Young to a cage fight. 

“Dude acts like this and then has the whole city ready to fight or kill for him and come after me!” writes Foy, who is twenty-one. “Whatever, I’ve had hits on my head before nothing new. I know how to move. That is local surfing in California aka group of (pussy emoji) mentality. Not many solo G’s. Guy looked at me (I’m on pink rails) video doesn’t show whole thing. Dropped in on me with his wide box stance so I wasn’t too  concerned if I ran into him in the process of teaching him how to surf… we should start a surf league like UFC maybe @surfingfightclub and with mma to handle beefs. Who wants to invest? My money is on me against this dude in a surf-off AND in the octagon. I don’t typically give out free lessons like this. That being said, any investors, let’s  start a new league. IDK, something more exciting, more real, more entertaining. Some pro surfers don’t give me my respect so I’m willing to earn it by all means. That’s all for today on keeping it real with gfoy.” 


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A post shared by Griffin Foy (@g_foy_)

Comments are well worth a stroll through, one key-jockey welcoming the chance to join Foy in squaring off with Santa Cruz. 

“dude lmk what’s good I’ll fight them. The line up used to be about respect. I’m not sure what happened in the last few years but I definitely think we should form a different kind of surf club to regulate the local legends, weekend warriors and the Brazos. You ever run in to trouble hit me up I’ll be on my way brah.”

Foy says “Nat would definitely be very soft for burning me and not fighting with the weight advantage but hey I’m giving him the chance anyway.”

Nat Young’s camp is yet to respond to the challenge. 

More as it comes, develops etc. 

Surf fans (in background) starving. Photo: WSL
Surf fans (in background) starving. Photo: WSL

America and Australia mercifully ejected from soccer’s World Cup freeing nations’ surf-mad citizens to focus solely on upcoming World Surf League season!

8 million fans (and counting) can't be wrong!

The United States of America and Australia both met the same fate at yesterday’s World Cup of Soccer proceedings, namely knocked right out. The once-every-four-years extravaganza, hosted in this time in the migrant workers’ paradise of Qatar, has featured some dominant performances from traditional powerhouses Brazil, France, Portugal, a shock early exit by traditional powerhouse Germany and the US plus Australian teams making it out of group play.

While national media attempted to cover the various matches, citizens didn’t really care and only went along with the “hype” due pressure.

Now that the teams have been relegated to where they belong, i.e. not playing soccer, those aforementioned citizens can mercifully turn their full attentions to the upcoming World Surf League season.

As you know, there has been an explosion of surf fans making the WSL one of the most watched sports on earth, bigger than basketball, tennis and hugely bigger than soccer. Over 8 million, and counting, tuning into finals day with lots more vectors for growth according to CEO Erik Logan.

As you also know, the Haleiwa Challenger, just-wrapped, has introduced ten exciting new male surfers and five exciting new female surfers onto the 2023 Championship Tour.

Men: Leonardo Fioravanti, Ryan Callinan, Rio Waida, Ramzi Boukhaim, Ian Gentil, Ezekiel Lau, Michael Rodrigues, Liam O’Brien, Joao Chianca, Maxime Huscenot.

Women: Macy Callaghan, Molly Picklum, Caitlin Simmers, Bettylou Sakura Johnson, Sophie McCulloch.

It will be wonderful to see them all paddle out at Pipeline though very sad to see them all pack their bags after Margaret River to go home, or at least all of the men.

Who will you be most sad to see go?

Me too.

Mobile home in Malibu trailer park dubbed “world’s most expensive surf shack” lists for breathtaking four million dollars!

"Luxury with a touch of California surfer insouciance!"

Trailer parks aren’t the meth dens they used to be, at least if swinging ol Paradise Cove in Malibu, home to equality-in-surfing activist Minnie Driver, who keeps a little joint there painted mint green, Pamela Anderson, who dated the park’s electrician, and surf journalist Sam George, is an indication.

Built in the nineteen-fifties on eighty-five acres of classic Californian beachfront land, the park became the go-to for ocean-lovers who wanted affordable seclusion amid the craziness of Los Angeles.

As you’d expect, Paradise Cove has since been gobbled up, mostly, by actors, directors, LA’s monied set, although the occasional pauper like Sammy George squeezes his still pretty self into the milieu.

And amid all this is a mobile home, the world’s most expensive surf shack, reimagined by LA designer superstars Marmol Radziner in 2015, built into the hill of a cul-de-sac and without any immediate neighbours for a not entirely unreasonable $3.995 million dollars, although you still gotta pay almost two gees a month for the lot.

Good enough waves out front to bang around on, too.

As the realtor describes,

“This Marmol Radziner home in Paradise Cove is the ultimate coastal retreat, blending luxury and modern simplicity in one of Malibu’s most sought-after locations. Rustic barn wood adorns the exterior and a large push gate opens to a sanctuary surrounded by mature trees, drought-resistant succulents, and meticulously designed spaces.

“Inside, the home is appointed with James Perse furniture which is included in the sale. The living room boasts vaulted wood-beamed ceilings with a long center skylight, floor-to-ceiling windows, and stacking glass doors that connect to a wraparound deck. Casual living spaces gently lead to a dining area and well-equipped kitchen with a Thermador gas range, stainless steel appliances, and a breakfast bar. The spa-like bathroom features marble floors, a soaking tub, shower with a bench, dual vanities, and a water closet with a bidet. The primary bedroom overlooks the backyard and has a walk-in closet, vaulted wood ceilings, and corner sliding doors opening to a peaceful oasis. The backyard is completely enclosed and private with a large sun deck, outdoor dining area, gas fire pit, and bubbling fountain.

“At the rear of the property, there is a detached room that could be utilized as a guest bedroom, office, den, fitness/yoga studio, and more. Additional features include an outdoor shower, gated golf cart parking, and a laundry area with a sink. The property offers extremely low space rent of ~$1,786 to the new buyer and easy beach access to some of Malibu’s most beautiful sandy beaches, coves, and surf. Perfectly designed in one of Malibu’s most exclusive beachside communities, this is a truly rare opportunity.”