Seth Moniz comforts Kelly Slater (main photo: Brent Bielmann) while Jessi Miley-Dyer (insert) mocks.

World Surf League runs blade directly through Kelly Slater’s heart, sanctions and heaps praise upon event at Surf Ranch’s most bitter rival!

Bad bride.

Do you recall when Kelly Slater unveiled his wave pool, there in the tule fog of Lemoore, and, at the same time, blew away the globe and squished Adriano de Souza’s pinnacle moment like a bug? How could you forget? That wave, all tubing and endless, was a replica, a manmade bit of woven dreams, but there it reeled in real life before our very eyes, de Souza’s tear-soaked.

Everyone wanted to surf it and the World Surf League wanted to buy it.

Being owned by a billionaire, the second business was quickly done and there Ziff, and a rotating door of merry CEOs, had the future in soft palm of hand.


Things have not quite gone to plan.

While Surf Ranch, as it came to be called, is ridiculously fun to surf, it has presented a number of challenges. Namely, not very many people can surf it on one day and it is hideously boring to watch competed upon. There has been no luck, yet, in securing a second Surf Ranch, as new, more sensible options have sprung up, and various iterations of the Surf Ranch Pro will forever remain the dumbest dumb in surfing history.

Instead of being a true bride to Slater, though, through sickness and health etc., the World Surf League has decided to stab the world’s greatest surfer directly in the back by, essentially, giving up and hosting events at his most bitter rival, a Wavegarden near glorious Melbourne, Australia.

A 1000 level regional QS or some such but still sanctioned with praise heaped.

Per The Guardian:

“This is really cool,” says Jessi Miley-Dyer, an ex-pro surfer and head of competitions at WSL, as she surveys the scene. The sun is shining, the smell of sunscreen lingers in the air and spectators have packed into a cafe overlooking the wave. It’s not Teahupo’o, Tahiti’s wave of consequence, or even Bells Beach, home to one of the iconic events on the WSL’s elite tour and barely an hour away on the Victorian coast. But it might be the future of surfing.

“The idea that someone can be here in Melbourne, surfing so close to the city, having the chance to learn,” Miley-Dyer says. “Wave technology has a place and will be a big part of developing our next generation of stars.”

Wave technology.

Not Slater’s plow.

Not the cow stink.

Just wave technology.

Shame on the WSL.

Deep shame.

Scott Nelson (pictured) with injuries. Photo: Scott Nelson Facebook
Scott Nelson (pictured) with injuries. Photo: Scott Nelson Facebook

Legendary San Diego sword swallower accidentally slashes stomach, pierces liver in stunt gone wrong: “Holy moly!!!! I had no idea just how bad this was!”

More dangerous than surfing!

We can sometimes think that our surfing is a very dangerous game, what with stories of drownings and near drownings, shark attacks, decapitations and near decapitations ever present. Very scary to get into the waters without even mentioning industrial pollution or VAL hordes.

But even considering all of the above, surfing has nothing on sword swallowing.

The ancient practice, which began sometime around the first century, Anno Domini, in either Greece or Italy is performed by gulping a blade whilst repressing the natural desire to swallow.

Exciting but also potentially deadly and let us now learn of San Diego legend Scott Nelson, who trades under the name Murrugun the Mystic, who was forced into a Washington D.C. hospital after declaring, “Five Swords scissored my abdominal cavity. It also appears that I pierced the lobe of my liver.”

“Five swords” being a trick wherein Nelson swallows five swords.

The act was allegedly being performed in Washington D.C.’s Six Flags amusement park where first responders were told of “a medical emergency.” Josh Bowren, the Production Manager for Aaron Radatz Productionz, which staged the show according to Six Flags officials, declared, “It was not for an accident during the show but rather for other unrelated health conditions…”


Nelson is also the only man on earth to swallow a rocket-powered sword and credits his unique ability to transcendental meditation, saying that he “can stop my heart; lower my heart rate, blood pressure…I deal with the pain of my act by doing the mediation, prayer, relaxation technique.”

Even with stopped heart etc., all very dangerous and doctors did not think Nelson would survive. He was even shocked himself, writing on social media, “Holy moly!!!! I had no idea just how bad this was!” Alongside the stomach slashing and liver piercing part of Nelson’s lung was also removed.

Nelson now has medical bills, as happens in the United States, but you can assist here.


Kohl Christensen, back in biz at Pipe. | Photo: Daniel Russo

Hawaiian big-wave icon who nearly quit surfing after brain injury at Pipeline makes triumphant return on swell of the year, “Do I really need to be back out here? Does that glorious glide through her aquatic cavern outweigh the risk?”

"Brain injuries are traumatic. A lot of things were off."

The Eddie Aikau-invitee Kohl Christenen, as famous for his off-the-grid lifestyle as his big-wave wrangling, has made a triumphant return to the Pipe arena, lacing a bomb set at the world’s most dangerous wave three years after suffering a brain injury that nearly ended his career.

On New Year’s Eve in 2019, Christensen, who is forty-five and stands six-five in heels, was belted by his surfboard while surfing twelve-to-fifteen-foot Pipe.

Fractured skull, a little bleeding on the brain, ear drum blown to the heavens.

Jamie O’Brien, the carrot-topped vlogger who grew up at Pipe and whose house is directly behind the famous Lopez mansion, saw the whole thing from his upstairs perch.

“He was on this second reef double-up roll-in and he was trimming and the wave before had some turbulence in front of it and he went over the turbulence and then he skipped out.”

Jamie didn’t think much of it.

“Kohl’s a great surfer, he knows what he’s doing. He’s the kinda guy you don’t see until it’s bigger than ten feet.”

Pretty standard sorta wipeout at a wave given to sudden flourishes of unpredictable violence more than most.

“And then he popped up, it took a while, and I was, like, something’s wrong. He was looking the wrong way and the lip of an eight-foot wave was landing on him. His board was sideways and he was right behind the board. From my point of view it looked the lip launched the board straight into his head and knocked him out. I’m not sure if he broke his eardrum first and that was why he was out of it.”

Dressed in baggy sweat shorts, Jamie tightened up the legs, grabbed an eight-foot soft-top and ran down the beach. He thought, ‘Ok, I need to act right now.’

A life or death moment.

“I saw his board tombstoning right when I got to the beach. The jetski was already on him, Makua Rothman was already swimming out. It was super gnarly. I knew there was nothing I could do. He was in good hands. It was lucky help was there faster than I was. I was trying my best.”

At the hozzy, Kohl had his head sawed open, and brain tweaked back into biz.

Wild, yeah?

It was enough to give Kohl pause about whether or not he wanted to keep chasing big waves.

Until Pipe lit up last week.

“I didn’t know if I would ever surf again,” Kohl posted on his IG account @deepeatersurf , alongside a sequence of an epic Pipe cave. “Brain injuries are traumatic. A lot of things were off. I still remember my first wave months into recovery, a simple slide over crystal clear water on a longboard. That sweet flying sensation conjuring memories of my first surf’s as a youth. I can do this again… Now, surfing more and happier than ever, except… somewhere back there, haunting and challenging me has been Pipeline… I’ve been a few times since without connecting. Minutes into my first session back I witnessed Mikey Redd’s accident. Dejavú all over again.

“Do I really need to be back out here? Two beautiful daughters and a loving wife. Does that glorious glide through her aquatic cavern outweigh the risk?

“I can’t answer that, but something pulled me out there this last swell. As I waited a backlight silhouette 20 yards away waved to me. I instinctually returned the wave without knowing who it was but as he turned, the sun lit his face. Andrew Logreco the life guard that saved me nearly three years prior. He waved again and as he did the swell line stretched out towards where I was sitting. A gift from both him , the Ocean and of course Pipeline. I can’t put in words the emotions.

“And of course, as I kicked out of the wave, donning Biff’s old helmet my buddy Daniel Russowas there to capture the moment. Giddyup…”

Here come the piranhas!

Total collapse of surf industry near as owner of Hurley about to swallow Billabong, Quiksilver and RVCA in takeover of the century!

A surf industry bloodbath!

Just slipped onto my desk is more news from the imminent takeover of those once iconic surf brands, Billabong, Quiksilver and RVCA. 

For those who came into surf in the past few years it might be hard to comprehend, even to frame in some sort of conceptual framework, but there was a time when Quiksilver, Billabong and Hurley were the archest of rivals, each brand pushing each other to build the best surf team, host the best surf event, dazzle with latest innovation for wetsuits or trunks. 

That all ended when Billabong and Quiksilver flew too close to the sun, their balance sheets melted by hubris and financial extravagance, and were sold to vulture capitalists. 

Now, after being circled by the parent company of Vans (VF) and the Authentic Brands Group (“a robust house that includes the licensing rights to Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and Muhammad Ali”), Bluestar Alliance, which bought Hurley from Nike in 2019, is in the “exclusivity phase” with an offer pending this week.

What exclusivity phase means is, the Authentic Brands Group can only counter-offer if the Bluestar offer comes in too low. 

The way Bluestar works is it identifies brands it wants to buy and once they get the keys, “our team of experts embark on a complete and thorough understanding of the brand’s potential channels of distribution and price point strategies. We create tools such as brand development profiles, trend guides, style guides and marketing strategies. These marketing materials portray graphic illustrations and a strategic marketing road map to enhance consumer brand recognition.”

In layman’s terms, throw a logo on anything that moves, inflatable pool toys, beard oil, whatever dumb stuff people will buy ’cause it has a heritage banner on it.

If Bluestar gets the keys to the three iconic brands, it’ll create the greatest assemblage of surf brands ever created, rivalling even those honied days a decade or so ago when Billabong and Quik were throwing millions at even the silliest of provincial surf brands.

A little ironic for Billabong as its never been as lean and healthy, and therefore profitable, as it is right now. 

Meanwhile, if you wanna support those few remaining independent surf labels, go see our pals at Vissla, The Critical Slide Society, Country Club Surf Club and Brothers Marshall. 

Wetsuit wise, plenty of indies out there, still, even after Rip Curl was sold to camping retailer Kathmandu for $350 mill a few years back.

See O’Neill, Feral, Need Essentials, Project Blank etc.

Jackson Baker (left) spitting rizz. Photo: Facebook
Jackson Baker (left) spitting rizz. Photo: Facebook

As new slang word “rizz” explodes amongst in-the-know youth, surf fans go bonkers trying to discern what it means and which surfers have it!

Currently more questions than answers.

Surfers have long been arbiters of fresh new slang. Hang ten, rip curl, kook, hand jam, the list goes on and on and on and on and our kind has gotten used to being chill and cool and unintelligible to outsiders but code talking diggish* words to each other.

Or at least we used to be.

Sometime within the last few years the TikketyTokkety took over and now in-the-know youth are no longer dropping wave jargon but rather unintelligible gibberish like SMH and sus and other such nonsense. The word currently trending? “Rizz.”

Coined by YouTuber Kai Cenet, it roughly translates to “One’s ability to seduce a potential (usually female) love interest.” Or, per Urban Dictionary, “Another word for spitting game/how good you are with pulling and sustaining bitches.”

Surf fans, thus, have been attempting to apply to our favorite professionals.

Which Championship Tour surfer has rizz?

Like, if you were at a bar with any of the top 44, who would “spit game” the very best?

Gabriel Medina?

Kanoa Igarashi?

Matthew McGillivray?

Nat Young, Kolohe Andino, Jackson Baker?

Mark Richards?