Fashion police.

There are many things to fear when dipping a toe into the ocean waters and more so in South Africa. Chilly sensations, big kelp, man-eating Great White sharks, Afrikaans but never before have “baby seals” fallen onto the list, or at least until days ago.

For then, and there, on Clifton 4th Beach, just off Cape Town, a li’l fella went right after a boy wearing a lycra swim shirt before swimming out and eating surfers in the lineup.

The entire shocking episode was caught on TikTok and begins as any video featuring a baby seal should, with the filmer declaring, “Ahhhh cutie,” as the shiny buddy scoots across the sand. Except then, out of nowhere, the adorable creature turns on a boy splashing around, minding his own business, and begins violently attacking. The boy, surprised, begins running in circles and is then pulled under while grown men jump into action and grown women shriek loudly.

After prying the former “cutie” off the boy, things appear to go back to normal but then the lifeguard’s whistle begins to sound and we see that the baby seal has made its way into the lineup and is feasting on surfers.

More shrieks.

And scene.

According to experts, seal attacks on humans are extremely rare and no one knows, for certain, what caused this one. I will say, though, while lycra swim shirts certainly don’t deserve wanton violence, I have always found them very gauche as fashion pieces.

Like, uncool at any age.

@thesicilianwifey Seal Attacks twice! #cliftonbeach #sealattack #capetownbeach ♬ original sound – The Sicilian Wifey

Apocalypse tomorrow.

After seemingly years of mild and/or hot days and nights with no more than a bit of dew licking lawns each morning, California is experiencing a wild weather wave. Many feet of snow in the mountains, deluges of water flooding down Los Angeles streets, San Francisco set to be hit by a storm so wild that its like has not been seen in a generation.

The National Weather Service released the stern warning reading, “To put it simply, this will likely be one of the most impactful systems on a widespread scale that this meteorologist has seen in a long while. The impacts will include widespread flooding, roads washing out, hillside collapsing, trees down (potentially full groves), widespread power outages, immediate disruption to commerce, and the worst of all, likely loss of human life. This is truly a brutal system that we are looking at and needs to be taken seriously.”

While caution should certainly be pursued, Ocean Beach surfers are likely licking their lips while waxing their big wave guns.

Any wave slider worth her salt has, of course, made pilgrimage to OB to at least stand on the bluff and watch the brethren paddle for six hours sometimes without reaching the lineup. The more robust has joined them in that paddling, breathing in the cold brine to the point of puking. Very fun but nothing gets the hardened locals off like massive and unruly.

How massive and unruly will it be during the apocalypse? Only time will tell.

It is what it is.

It is, officially, time to put the old out and bring the new in. To forget the things that annoyed, bothered, were otherwise lame and embrace the fresh and untainted. Thankfully, the faculty of Lake Superior State University in Michigan take it upon themselves to publish a list, annually, of words or phrases that should be banished from the English language.

This year, though, surfers were shocked to find the eleven-time world champion Kelly Slater’s name included at the very tippy top as “GOAT” was, apparently, the most misused, overused or useless.

Per National Public Radio:

“The singularity of ‘greatest of all time’ cannot happen, no way, no how. And instead of being selectively administered, it’s readily conferred,” said Peter Szatmary, a spokesperson for Lake State.

(In the spirit of full disclosure, a review of NPR transcripts revealed at least 17 candidates for the “greatest of all time” on our air in 2022 alone, including soccer players Pelé, Lionel Messi and Diego Maradona, the long-distance runner Eliud Kipchoge, the U.S. track Olympian Allyson Felix, the women’s tennis star Serena Williams alongside a trio of her male colleagues Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal, the quarterback Tom Brady, the hockey player Wayne Gretzky, NBA standouts Michael Jordan, Lebron James and Bill Russell, the surfer Kelly Slater, the video game Elden Ring and a Pakistani goat with very long ears.)

Lake State’s faculty judges would likely argue that was too many people (and non-people) described as “the greatest of all time.” “Words and terms matter. Or at least they should,” Szatmary said.

Ouch but very sensible.

Slater’s name appeared, here, some 178 times in headlines alone, in 2022 and we might all agree that it was enough but still. It is rare that surfers, surfing, surf make it into the lamestream conversation. To have it in the number one slot of things that need to be banished is… sad.

Following “GOAT,” in any case, were:

2. Inflection point
3. Quiet quitting
4. Gaslighting
5. Moving forward
6. Amazing
7. Does that make sense?
8. Irregardless
9. Absolutely
10. It is what it is

Left off were “vectors” leaving World Surf League CEO Erik Logan quietly fist pumping.

Also “hand jam.”

Joe Turpel equally psyching.