Hope springs!

Surf fans have certainly straddled the yo-yo this first month of 2023. Sometime near its wild beginning, surf fans became elated when the world’s most prestigious surf contest, The Eddie Aikau Invitational, was greenlit for the first time in eight years for a Jan 11 running. Oh the big wave event, which only occurs when waves darken the horizon at Waimea Bay, is something to behold. The best surfers on earth participate in that natural aquatic amphitheater to the delight of all.

It is a rarity and surf fans could just taste when it was called off do a funky forecast.

Surfline, masterfully, broadcast the day but, at the end, contest organizers were proved correct, as it was wonky and a li’l funky, and also hinted that January 22 was looking promising.

Being so far off, and being jilted already, surf fans sobbed into BJ’s Pizza hankies.

Unbelieving.

But here we are, two days away from the aforementioned 22 and back on we are, this time in honor of famed Waikiki beachboy Roy “China” Uemura who passed away days ago.

It must be assumed that the invitees, who packed their bags and raced to Oahu ten-ish days ago, are still there, champing at the bit, ready to drop into history.

All fingers, legs and other things crossed.

We will keep abreast of the forecast but do no lose hope.

Light a candle and put on windowsill for this Sunday we shall all be entertained.*

*Entertained, at the very least, by Cincinnati vs. Buffalo then Dallas vs. San Francisco. Who you got?

"Viewpoint discrimination."

The world’s best, and most decorated, surfer is known for many, many things. Eleven world titles, scintillating performances at important waves, a central figure in the Momentum Generation, beau of starlets and models, fierce social media blocker.

Oh, many have tasted vanishing at Kelly Slater’s tanned hand. Sometimes the guillotine falls with a warning. Something like, “And you’re blocked.” Or simply, “blocked.” Sometimes an offender is cut off quietly and in darkness, attempting to check in with the greatest of all time only to be met with a “user not found” screen and an unhelpful list of alternatives.

Well, I have found myself locked outside with the many, banned on Instagram, Facebook, even Twitter and imagined that I would be forced to suffer my indignity in silence forever.

In silence forever, that is, until I learned about the tale of Thomas Miko, a man from Georgia who enjoyed the teachings of Donald Trump and wrote as much on his state representative Vernon Jones’ Facebook page. Now, at that time Jones was a Democrat (he is now a Republican) and did not like the notes so erased them and then took the Slater Way and blocked Miko.

Miko got angry, filed a lawsuit alleging that his evaporation was both hurtful illegal, and proceeded, days ago, to win a $45,000 settlement after the court agreed.

U.S. District Judge Steven Grimberg stated in his opinion that when public figures block constituents from their social media profiles to stop them from expressing conflicting opinions, that constitutes “viewpoint discrimination.” The judge also found that Miko’s claims were enough to prove liability and issued a judgement against Jones.

And there we go.

Shall we class action?

Exciting times.

Behold a cultural miracle.

The path to becoming a “surfer” had, for decades, been exceptionally long and very rocky. Years spent as a “grom,” suffering abuse in un-quality waves. More years spent graduating to better quality waves while still suffering abuse. Further years spent self-abusing. Learning, always, which volume is in, which is out and when a highline speed dash can be sold as “style.”

Many pitfalls.

Pitfalls vulnerable adult learners, in this day and age of safe spaces, don’t tumble headlong into.

Oh everything is fine, now, a big tent of “best surfer in the water is the one having the most fun.” A philosophy staked out, and celebrated, a decade ago, by The Inertia.

If I have my facts straight, the “definitive voice of surfing and the outdoors” was birthed after Zach Weisberg, founder, became fired from Surfer magazine and being gifted money from a wealthy father. Now worth millions, The Inertia way is synonymous with fierce independence, sometimes spilling into scandal, and… a certain je ne sais quoi.

Welcoming.

Previously thought that one had to actually contribute to The Inertia in order to enjoy the benefits of having the most fun, surf fans were shocked, days ago, when an adult learner absolutely fresh to the space reached peak The Inertia all by hisself.

Chris Ware, writing for Yahoo! Life under the headline “I Just Started Surfing And This is the Best Surf Gear I’ve Found for Beginners” declared:

Learning to surf has given me a peek behind the proverbial curtain into the reality that is the surf scene. Before, when I thought about surfing, as many of you might, it was filled with laidback people, beautiful waves, longboards, and chill vibes. But what you don’t see is the true culture — the rules and the technical knowledge that go into, not just that lifestyle, but the sport itself.

The “sport itself,” he unfortunately learned is pocked with tribalism etc. but no problem if the acolyte purchases these items.

– The eight foot Wavestorm Classic.

– Quiksilver 3/2 back zip.

– Sex Wax.

When I first started, I was surfing my home break in Santa Monica. I was having trouble staying on my board while paddling out, while sitting in the lineup, and also while trying to paddle into waves. My board felt like an ice rink. Finally, somebody decided to spare me and bestowed this tip upon me:

“Yo — you need to wax your board.”

I was going full kook, which is basically surf slang for “being a poser.” Someone on the beach was nice enough to lend me theirs, so I didn’t have to interrupt my sessions to hit the surf shop. The difference was night and day. My board was like an extension of my body. And when it comes to wax, there’s only one brand surfers will recommend — Mr. Zogs Sex Wax.

– A surf poncho.

– Soft roof rack.

And now there Chris Ware sits, in lotus position, atop peak The Inertia, right next to Zach Weisberg.

Historic.

Heartbreak Hotel.

Oh but to be Kelly Slater, handsome, rich, ageless and wildly talented. The adoration of fans, bonded to many wonderful friends, beloved by supermodels, starlets, “television’s sexiest woman ever” as voted on by America Online users.

Yes, Pamela Anderson and the 11x world champion formed a steamy union for two-ish years in the late 1990s after meeting on the hit show Baywatch wherein Slater played the role of Jimmy Slade across from Anderson’s Casey Jean Parker. The two cut an incredibly fine figure, both on and off screen, a sort of fairytale ideal and it was impossible not to be moved by the sweet amour.

Extremely sensual.

Their demise caused much heartache for surf fans though Slater attempted to buoy spirits by declaring, “I learned a lot (from the relationship). I don’t have any ill feelings toward her. I wish her well. Hey, we had an amazing time together.”

Not having “any ill feelings” toward an ex truly grand.

Well, in a bombshell new memoir titled Love, Pamela, out January 31, the Barb Wire heroine was not so generous and admitted to never loving the multiple time Pipe Master.

In an exclusive excerpt borrowed from People magazine, Anderson writes, “My relationship with Tommy (Lee) may have been the only time I was ever truly in love. We had fun and our rule was no rules.”

Ouch.

Anderson and the Mötley Crüe drummer met pre-Slater and married pre-him too, engaging in a tumultuous affair that included sexual videotapes and jail for domestic abuse. Surf fans might have hoped that the ultra highs and devastating lows would have cast the surf great, his health and wellness, stability etc., in a tender light but I guess not.

Heartbreak hotel.