You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

But right when you thought that Lupita Nyong’o and Selema Masekela had lost their spot as surfing-adjacent’s hottest couple to Strider Wasilewski’s brother Mescal and Full House darling Jody Sweetin, the movie superstar and her freshly-minted surf broadcaster beau go ahead and crank the burner to wow.

The Hollywood Reporter has revealed that the two just purchased a sprawling $4 million Los Angeles home together.

Per the story:

Hidden securely away behind a steel-gated driveway, on over two-acres of heavily wooded land resting at the end of a secluded one-way street, the contemporary steel, glass and cement structure is described as “self-sustainable” in the listing, complete with its own solar, backup power, home automation and filtration systems. There are four bedrooms and five baths in the three-level living space — all of it boasting floor-to-ceiling walls of glass offering up sweeping ocean, hillside and canyon views.

Particularly standing out is a living room sporting a fireplace and sliding glass doors spilling out to a spacious balcony, as well as a wet bar-equipped dining area. A fireside lounge connects to a gourmet kitchen, which is outfitted with bamboo cabinetry, quartz countertops, an eat-in island, and a plethora of top-tier Viking, Wolf and Sub-Zero appliances.

Congratulations to the happy couple but a few quick worries.

$4 million dollars for a Los Angeles home, especially one sitting on 2.5 acres of land with ocean views, is… hard to comprehend. Like, truly a near impossibility especially when considering top-tier kitchen appliances.

Further research suggests the home is somewhere off Topanga Canyon but sitting at the end of a one way street?

The happy couple could only have purchased the heavily distressed Hotel California.

A place where you can check in anytime but you can never leave.

Light a candle for their safety?

Invest in your future.

Christmas is over, the fattened goose consumed entirely, her bones boiled into a healthy broth that will be forgotten in the back of the refrigerator. But did you get what you wanted from your loved one or ones? A high-end leather wallet? Maybe a cardigan from Anna Sui? Well, if not don’t you worry as you are an adult who can purchase your own goods.

Some Rivvia trunks, deeply discounted?

A surfboard from luxury house Saint Laurent that, while not deeply discounted, comes in the shade of chrome.

Shaped in collaboration with UWL, a very chic French shop, the board comes in the shade of chrome, as mentioned, and retails for $25,000.

No dimensions given.

While you may guffaw at the price, imagine how boss you’d feel paddling out at your local on it and perching in the lineup.

I’d have to think it would be such a power move that many more good things would come your way. A promotion at work all the way to the tippy-top. Love interests emerging from all corners. Recognition as a man, or woman, of power and taste.

Invest in your future.

Naughty words.

Miami area surfers are set to wake up the very first day of 2023 to a great shock. Namely, they will no longer be able to smoke on the beach before, or after, rare local sessions generally brought about by hurricanes or the like.

Marlboro, out.

Camel, no more.

Those who dare smoke after the gong of midnight on January 1st will be met with a $100 fine and 60 day stint in jail.

Whoa.

Two whole months behind bars.

Miami Beach City Commissioner Alex Fernandez declared the draconian new law was meant to protect the area’s natural charm, saying, “This paradise is an important economic engine. Cigarette butts are not the butts our 18 million visitors want to see. This new law will help keep our paradise clean and beautiful.”

Racy.

The normally staid Associated Press, founded in 1846, took the City Commissioner’s “cheeky” tone as license to vulgar, penning, “Starting New Year’s Day, you can still wear bikinis on the beaches of Miami Beach, but forget about showing any butts — cigarette butts, that is.”

Readers, unused to flowery reports and naughty word play, became extremely troubled, some fainting whilst passers-by furiously fanned them, wafting smelling salts under their noses.

Others vomited while calling for an immediate retraction.

Butts.