“As we live and as we are, Simplicity - with a capital "S" - is difficult to comprehend nowadays. We are no longer truly simple. We no longer live in simple terms or places. Life is a more complex struggle now. It is now valiant to be simple: a courageous thing to even want to be simple. It is a spiritual thing to comprehend what simplicity means.” | Photo: Tom Offermann real estate

Tiny two-bedroom beach shack bought for $13k and only 206 steps to “world famous surfing reserve” set to be bulldozed after selling for staggering $5.75 million in wild auction following death of owner!

“The time is ripe to demolish!”

A pretty little timber beach shack facing the “maddeningly inconsistent” but wildly perfect points of Noosa Heads a couple of hours drive north of Brisbane has sold at auction for almost six million dollars. 

Built in 1972, and with a thousand square feet or so of living space on six thousand square feet of dirt backing straight onto the Noosa National Park Reserve, the joint at 74 Upper Hastings Street drew seven serious bidders and one hundred and fifty spectators. 

“Finally, after fifty years of multi-generational family celebrations,” the promo-lit went, “the modest little green and cream cottage with frangipanis out the front, and a rear garden melding with the Noosa National Park reserve, the time is ripe to demolish, develop and make the move to first class… From the street, imagine perched trophy-like amongst the trees, embracing the full width of the 686m2 land, a masterpiece of contemporary design, perhaps residence, apartments or duplex, all subject to Noosa Shire Council approval, and within high density zoning of a twelve-metre height allowance. Expect views of the Noosa River and beyond to the Coloured Sands and Mt Cooroy from the upper levels. “

Ain’t nobody gonna be happy with a modest two-bedder surrounded by grass to gambol on and shaded by Frangipani, of course, when a lavish cubist box of concrete can be built that eats up the entire hunk of land and engulfs its master in concrete and chlorinated water.

The sorta digs that’s gonna be built when the lil shack gets flattened.

Whenever I see a beach shack on its death bed, vultures circling, it always reminds me of the famous Frank Lloyd Wright quote:

“As we live and as we are, Simplicity – with a capital “S” – is difficult to comprehend nowadays. We are no longer truly simple. We no longer live in simple terms or places. Life is a more complex struggle now. It is now valiant to be simple: a courageous thing to even want to be simple. It is a spiritual thing to comprehend what simplicity means.”

The family of ol Dr Haz Spiro, who died last June, says they’re real sad, end of an era etc, although six-mill to divvy between the kids is a balm for the soul, one imagines.


The Inertia founder Zach Weisberg (insert) in happy place. Photo: Yahoo!

Adult learner surfer publishes list of “must have” gear and reaches peak The Inertia in record time!

Behold a cultural miracle.

The path to becoming a “surfer” had, for decades, been exceptionally long and very rocky. Years spent as a “grom,” suffering abuse in un-quality waves. More years spent graduating to better quality waves while still suffering abuse. Further years spent self-abusing. Learning, always, which volume is in, which is out and when a highline speed dash can be sold as “style.”

Many pitfalls.

Pitfalls vulnerable adult learners, in this day and age of safe spaces, don’t tumble headlong into.

Oh everything is fine, now, a big tent of “best surfer in the water is the one having the most fun.” A philosophy staked out, and celebrated, a decade ago, by The Inertia.

If I have my facts straight, the “definitive voice of surfing and the outdoors” was birthed after Zach Weisberg, founder, became fired from Surfer magazine and being gifted money from a wealthy father. Now worth millions, The Inertia way is synonymous with fierce independence, sometimes spilling into scandal, and… a certain je ne sais quoi.

Welcoming.

Previously thought that one had to actually contribute to The Inertia in order to enjoy the benefits of having the most fun, surf fans were shocked, days ago, when an adult learner absolutely fresh to the space reached peak The Inertia all by hisself.

Chris Ware, writing for Yahoo! Life under the headline “I Just Started Surfing And This is the Best Surf Gear I’ve Found for Beginners” declared:

Learning to surf has given me a peek behind the proverbial curtain into the reality that is the surf scene. Before, when I thought about surfing, as many of you might, it was filled with laidback people, beautiful waves, longboards, and chill vibes. But what you don’t see is the true culture — the rules and the technical knowledge that go into, not just that lifestyle, but the sport itself.

The “sport itself,” he unfortunately learned is pocked with tribalism etc. but no problem if the acolyte purchases these items.

The eight foot Wavestorm Classic.

Quiksilver 3/2 back zip.

Sex Wax.

When I first started, I was surfing my home break in Santa Monica. I was having trouble staying on my board while paddling out, while sitting in the lineup, and also while trying to paddle into waves. My board felt like an ice rink. Finally, somebody decided to spare me and bestowed this tip upon me:

“Yo — you need to wax your board.”

I was going full kook, which is basically surf slang for “being a poser.” Someone on the beach was nice enough to lend me theirs, so I didn’t have to interrupt my sessions to hit the surf shop. The difference was night and day. My board was like an extension of my body. And when it comes to wax, there’s only one brand surfers will recommend — Mr. Zogs Sex Wax.

A surf poncho.

Soft roof rack.

And now there Chris Ware sits, in lotus position, atop peak The Inertia, right next to Zach Weisberg.

Historic.


Slater (insert) sad. Photo: Pam and Tommy Lee.

“Sexiest woman ever” Pamela Anderson declares she never loved surf great Kelly Slater in bombshell new memoir!

Heartbreak Hotel.

Oh but to be Kelly Slater, handsome, rich, ageless and wildly talented. The adoration of fans, bonded to many wonderful friends, beloved by supermodels, starlets, “television’s sexiest woman ever” as voted on by America Online users.

Yes, Pamela Anderson and the 11x world champion formed a steamy union for two-ish years in the late 1990s after meeting on the hit show Baywatch wherein Slater played the role of Jimmy Slade across from Anderson’s Casey Jean Parker. The two cut an incredibly fine figure, both on and off screen, a sort of fairytale ideal and it was impossible not to be moved by the sweet amour.

Extremely sensual.

Their demise caused much heartache for surf fans though Slater attempted to buoy spirits by declaring, “I learned a lot (from the relationship). I don’t have any ill feelings toward her. I wish her well. Hey, we had an amazing time together.”

Not having “any ill feelings” toward an ex truly grand.

Well, in a bombshell new memoir titled Love, Pamela, out January 31, the Barb Wire heroine was not so generous and admitted to never loving the multiple time Pipe Master.

In an exclusive excerpt borrowed from People magazine, Anderson writes, “My relationship with Tommy (Lee) may have been the only time I was ever truly in love. We had fun and our rule was no rules.”

Ouch.

Anderson and the Mötley Crüe drummer met pre-Slater and married pre-him too, engaging in a tumultuous affair that included sexual videotapes and jail for domestic abuse. Surf fans might have hoped that the ultra highs and devastating lows would have cast the surf great, his health and wellness, stability etc., in a tender light but I guess not.

Heartbreak hotel.


Kemper, almost thirty-three, a four-time Jaws winner and the 2015 Big-Wave world champion, is a nobleman of the old school where struggle is hidden in some remote world of quiet contemplation.

“World’s smartest surfer” Nathan Florence set to withdraw from prestigious Jaws Big-Wave Challenge event with broken back; four-time winner Billy Kemper and Makua Rothman also likely out following “Backdoor Shootout bloodbath!”

Gonna be the year of the underdog as three contest favourites set to pull out of wildly important event…

A depleted field will take to the football field-sized lineup for the Jaws Big Wave Challenge, which could run as early as next week despite a waiting period until March 31, following a series of catastrophic wipeouts over the past week.

Nathan Florence, twenty-eight, face like a benevolent sea turtle, posted harrowing POV footage of his wipeout earlier today telling fans,

“I got picked up and I fell through the barrel. I fell a lot longer than I thought,” said Florence. “After the initial impact, I got sucked up and fell again. As I was falling, I was pulling my vest. I just fell a lot farther than I thought and my body was in a weird position. I just slammed on my back on the bottom of the barrel, which is just hard water. Right when I slammed, I just felt kind of a snap in my lower back, right on my spine.”

We figured he was okay until an inside source told BeachGrit he’d definitely busted his back and he’s gonna be out for at least three months.

The four-time Jaws champ and big-wave world champ Billy Kemper was among a three-pack of injured stars at the Backdoor Shootout, big-wave world champ Makua Rothman ruined his knee and Pipe standout Kala Grace was rushed to the intensive care unit at Queens Hospital in Honolulu after being knocked out on the notorious reef.

 

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A post shared by Makua Rothman (@makuarothman)

Male Invitees
1 – Billy Kemper (HAW) OUT
2 – Ian Walsh (HAW)
3 – Nathan Florence (HAW) OUT
4 – Kai Lenny (HAW)
5 – Makua Rothman (HAW) OUT
6 – Lucas Chianca (BRA)
7 – Russell Bierke (AUS)
8 – Nic von Rupp (PRT)
9 – Eli Olson (HAW)
10 – Torrey Meister (HAW)
11 – Koa Rothman (HAW)
12 – Nic Lamb (USA)
13 – Grant Baker (RSA)
14 – Jamie Mitchell (AUS)
15 – Albee Layer (HAW)
16 – Tyler Larronde (HAW)
17 – Jojo Roper (USA)
18 – Ty Simpson-Kane (HAW)
19 – Matt Bromley (RSA)
20 – Francisco Porcella (ITA)
21 – Trevor Carlson (HAW)
22- Tom Lowe (GBR)
23 – Aaron Gold (HAW)
24 – Greg Long (USA)

Female Invitees
1 – Paige Alms (HAW)
2 – Felicity Palmateer (AUS)
3 – Annie Reickert (HAW)
4 – Keala Kennelly (HAW)
5 – Emily Erickson (HAW)
6 – Michaela Fregonese (BRA)
7 – Bianca Valenti (USA)
8 – Skylar Lickle (HAW)
9 – Justine Dupont (FRA)
10 – Raquel Heckert (BRA)
11 – Laura Enever (AUS)
12 – Izzy Gomez (COL)

 


Boat man Conner Coffin, no hip-shaking fem-boy like little bro Parker!

Dumped Rip Curl surfer Conner Coffin who spectacularly fell off tour in “waist high onshore sh*t Winikipop” signs with fishing brand made for “risk-taking, mistake-making watermen with nothing to prove!”

"All of the times people have doubted me, said I wasn’t good enough, I’ve always channeled it and combined that with passion, hard work and love."

After a five-year tenure with Rip Curl, Santa Babs’ Conner Coffin, a boy whose over-easy haircut rivals Strider Wasilewski’s for lesbian chic and with looks so good you want to kiss his eyelashes, has signed with the fishing-cum-surf brand Salty Crew.

The tiny almost-thirty year old, who was a world title contender in 2021, signed with the popular underground brand created in 2014 by world champ CJ Hobgood and pals Jared and Hayden Lane, and who sold half of the biz to Globe three years later.

Salty Crew, or so goes the promotion literature, is made for “the hard workers, the searchers, the risk taking, mistake making, watermen with nothing to prove. For the seafaring, the wax sharing, the grommets, young and old. For the tried and true, who’ve paid their dues, for those who find refuge in the sea.” 

Despite his milquetoast appearance, Coffin has rarely shied away from controversy.

Following his cut from the tour last year, he savaged the World Surf League’s chief strategy officer in a wild interview.

Per Chas,

He describes how his tour fate was decided by “waist high onshore shit Winikipop.” How the waves were garbage, more or less, the first five events, crushing livelihoods. Dealing with the hatred, amongst his professional surfers, about the cut. “It sucked. I hated it honestly. Big price to pay…” he ends with as Prodan giggles uncomfortably, eyes wide, mouth, framed by well-manicured beard lightly agape, then tries to re-spackle the Wall of Positive Noise by calling this year’s G-Land “really good” before casting blame on magazines of yesteryear for poorly representing the early “dream tour” as all fantastic.

After the premium surf website Stab used “racist tropes” to describes Coffin’s chances, or lack, of winning the 2021 world title, he fired back, Stab, thanks for your continued ‘premium’ journalism, you could spell my name right. It pissed me off for a few minutes, but then I thought about all of the times people have doubted me, said I wasn’t good enough, said I can’t do something that I wanted to do and how I’ve always channeled it and combined that with passion, hard work, and love to accomplish my goals. In posting this, I hope it encourages you guys to use negativity and spin it into a positive and don’t let anyone get you down or keep you from achieving your goals!”

Although the honied era of multi-million dollar contracts is long gone, surf fans can rest easy lest they be worried of his financial future for mammy and daddy Coffin , Rich and Krista, operate a high-end construction biz, delighting in “creating architecturally significant homes”.

The last time we saw ‘em on these pages was six months ago when they listed their one-third share in 101 acres of gorgeous Hollister Ranch dirt, a beachfront enclave that counts blockbuster filmmaker James Cameron, Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard and minstrel Jackson Browne as owners.

The expected price for the pretty two-bed, two-bath guest house with separate studio at 115 Hollister Ranch Rd, Gaviota was a few shekels south of five mill.