Kemper, almost thirty-three, a four-time Jaws winner and the 2015 Big-Wave world champion, is a nobleman of the old school where struggle is hidden in some remote world of quiet contemplation.

“World’s smartest surfer” Nathan Florence set to withdraw from prestigious Jaws Big-Wave Challenge event with broken back; four-time winner Billy Kemper and Makua Rothman also likely out following “Backdoor Shootout bloodbath!”

Gonna be the year of the underdog as three contest favourites set to pull out of wildly important event…

A depleted field will take to the football field-sized lineup for the Jaws Big Wave Challenge, which could run as early as next week despite a waiting period until March 31, following a series of catastrophic wipeouts over the past week.

Nathan Florence, twenty-eight, face like a benevolent sea turtle, posted harrowing POV footage of his wipeout earlier today telling fans,

“I got picked up and I fell through the barrel. I fell a lot longer than I thought,” said Florence. “After the initial impact, I got sucked up and fell again. As I was falling, I was pulling my vest. I just fell a lot farther than I thought and my body was in a weird position. I just slammed on my back on the bottom of the barrel, which is just hard water. Right when I slammed, I just felt kind of a snap in my lower back, right on my spine.”

We figured he was okay until an inside source told BeachGrit he’d definitely busted his back and he’s gonna be out for at least three months.

The four-time Jaws champ and big-wave world champ Billy Kemper was among a three-pack of injured stars at the Backdoor Shootout, big-wave world champ Makua Rothman ruined his knee and Pipe standout Kala Grace was rushed to the intensive care unit at Queens Hospital in Honolulu after being knocked out on the notorious reef.


View this post on Instagram


A post shared by Makua Rothman (@makuarothman)

Male Invitees
1 – Billy Kemper (HAW) OUT
2 – Ian Walsh (HAW)
3 – Nathan Florence (HAW) OUT
4 – Kai Lenny (HAW)
5 – Makua Rothman (HAW) OUT
6 – Lucas Chianca (BRA)
7 – Russell Bierke (AUS)
8 – Nic von Rupp (PRT)
9 – Eli Olson (HAW)
10 – Torrey Meister (HAW)
11 – Koa Rothman (HAW)
12 – Nic Lamb (USA)
13 – Grant Baker (RSA)
14 – Jamie Mitchell (AUS)
15 – Albee Layer (HAW)
16 – Tyler Larronde (HAW)
17 – Jojo Roper (USA)
18 – Ty Simpson-Kane (HAW)
19 – Matt Bromley (RSA)
20 – Francisco Porcella (ITA)
21 – Trevor Carlson (HAW)
22- Tom Lowe (GBR)
23 – Aaron Gold (HAW)
24 – Greg Long (USA)

Female Invitees
1 – Paige Alms (HAW)
2 – Felicity Palmateer (AUS)
3 – Annie Reickert (HAW)
4 – Keala Kennelly (HAW)
5 – Emily Erickson (HAW)
6 – Michaela Fregonese (BRA)
7 – Bianca Valenti (USA)
8 – Skylar Lickle (HAW)
9 – Justine Dupont (FRA)
10 – Raquel Heckert (BRA)
11 – Laura Enever (AUS)
12 – Izzy Gomez (COL)


Boat man Conner Coffin, no hip-shaking fem-boy like little bro Parker!

Dumped Rip Curl surfer Conner Coffin who spectacularly fell off tour in “waist high onshore sh*t Winikipop” signs with fishing brand made for “risk-taking, mistake-making watermen with nothing to prove!”

"All of the times people have doubted me, said I wasn’t good enough, I’ve always channeled it and combined that with passion, hard work and love."

After a five-year tenure with Rip Curl, Santa Babs’ Conner Coffin, a boy whose over-easy haircut rivals Strider Wasilewski’s for lesbian chic and with looks so good you want to kiss his eyelashes, has signed with the fishing-cum-surf brand Salty Crew.

The tiny almost-thirty year old, who was a world title contender in 2021, signed with the popular underground brand created in 2014 by world champ CJ Hobgood and pals Jared and Hayden Lane, and who sold half of the biz to Globe three years later.

Salty Crew, or so goes the promotion literature, is made for “the hard workers, the searchers, the risk taking, mistake making, watermen with nothing to prove. For the seafaring, the wax sharing, the grommets, young and old. For the tried and true, who’ve paid their dues, for those who find refuge in the sea.” 

Despite his milquetoast appearance, Coffin has rarely shied away from controversy.

Following his cut from the tour last year, he savaged the World Surf League’s chief strategy officer in a wild interview.

Per Chas,

He describes how his tour fate was decided by “waist high onshore shit Winikipop.” How the waves were garbage, more or less, the first five events, crushing livelihoods. Dealing with the hatred, amongst his professional surfers, about the cut. “It sucked. I hated it honestly. Big price to pay…” he ends with as Prodan giggles uncomfortably, eyes wide, mouth, framed by well-manicured beard lightly agape, then tries to re-spackle the Wall of Positive Noise by calling this year’s G-Land “really good” before casting blame on magazines of yesteryear for poorly representing the early “dream tour” as all fantastic.

After the premium surf website Stab used “racist tropes” to describes Coffin’s chances, or lack, of winning the 2021 world title, he fired back, Stab, thanks for your continued ‘premium’ journalism, you could spell my name right. It pissed me off for a few minutes, but then I thought about all of the times people have doubted me, said I wasn’t good enough, said I can’t do something that I wanted to do and how I’ve always channeled it and combined that with passion, hard work, and love to accomplish my goals. In posting this, I hope it encourages you guys to use negativity and spin it into a positive and don’t let anyone get you down or keep you from achieving your goals!”

Although the honied era of multi-million dollar contracts is long gone, surf fans can rest easy lest they be worried of his financial future for mammy and daddy Coffin , Rich and Krista, operate a high-end construction biz, delighting in “creating architecturally significant homes”.

The last time we saw ‘em on these pages was six months ago when they listed their one-third share in 101 acres of gorgeous Hollister Ranch dirt, a beachfront enclave that counts blockbuster filmmaker James Cameron, Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard and minstrel Jackson Browne as owners.

The expected price for the pretty two-bed, two-bath guest house with separate studio at 115 Hollister Ranch Rd, Gaviota was a few shekels south of five mill.

A web of lies. Photo: WSL
A web of lies. Photo: WSL

George Santos-like scandal grips Oahu’s North Shore after World Surf League lists past Pipe Masters as Pro Pipeline winners!

Welcome to the dystopia.

So there I was, this morning, drinking my very first cup of coffee, black, and thinking about the upcoming Billabong Pro Pipeline. As you certainly know, the World Surf League’s 2023 Championship Tour officially kicks off on Oahu’s fabled North Shore is less than two weeks and surf fans, horny as can be after a four month break, are horny as can be.

What surprises will the season hold?

Which crazy twists n turns?

Wanting to get a jump on those tea leaves, I finished my very first cup of coffee, poured a second and navigated over to the World Surf League’s website in order to parse the heat draw.

Alas, there was nothing posted save a list of past Pro Pipeline winners.

I clicked the link in order to study the name “Kelly Slater,” who happens to be the contest’s only current winner, and was met with shock and dismay, learning that Taj Burrow was a Pro Pipeline in 2009, Jamie O’Brien a Pro Pipeline in 2004, Andy Irons a four-time Pro Pipeline (2002, 2003, 2005, 2006) and Michael Ho a Pro Pipeline in 1982.

Well what in the world?

I looked back to make sure I did not click on an errant link but, no, the URL was as clear as day.

Now, surf fans would be familiar with the aforementioned names as Pipe Masters, not Pro Pipelines, and the bald-faced fudging of history is eerily reminiscent of the George Santos scandal currently gripping Washington D.C. The New York congressman outed as a massive fabricator after his web of lies about who, and what, he was unraveled.

Very embarrassing.

The World Surf League, which already roiled the public by claiming it was founded in 1976 when, in truth, it came to be in 2015, is further eroding credibility and might the 2023 campaign bring us, officially, to the post-truth era of professional surfing?

A space where video submission-like competitions rule the day?

Where Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch counts?

Where Lower Trestles crowns timid champions?


Billabong Pro Pipeline just one short year ago. Photo: WSL
Billabong Pro Pipeline just one short year ago. Photo: WSL

Health experts beg professional surfers to refrain from urinating on each other as box jellyfish invade Hawaiian islands ahead of Billabong Pro Pipeline!

Who knew?

I recently read an anecdote from comedian and onetime television talkshow host Chelsea Handler about how she, until very recently, believed the sun and moon were the same thing. The former holding court in the day, dipping down, changing clothes, and retaking the stage as the latter at night.

“How absolutely absurd,” I thought until hours ago when I learned that urinating upon a jellyfish sting is not, in fact, an actual remedy.

According to health experts, urine contains zero properties that alleviates the pain, it all being a strange wives’ tale, and that victims should instead rinse the area with seawater to remove stray tentacles before soaking the area in extremely warm water.

Per Jack Willans, senior aquarist and lead jellyologist at SEA LIFE London Aquarium, “It’s true what they say, you shouldn’t believe everything you see on the TV, and peeing on a jellyfish sting is the ultimate fake news.”

Well who knew?

Hopefully the inbound World Surf League Championship Tour participants as box jellyfish are said to be set to invade along with another pulse of extra-large swell.

According to the local ABC affiliate there are four things of which to be aware:

Vog, or volcanic fog, is bad enough but mass golden showering, amongst our heroes and heroines, would really tip the absurdity scale.

The Billabong Pro Pipeline kicks off in just twelve days.

Are there any pros you’d enjoy watching relieving his or herself on another?

Who on who?

More as the story develops.

Surfer magazine, recently purchased by group with “frat house behavior trail” CEO, in ultra-hot water after making egregiously sex-based claim!

"A woman's place..."

We live in the future and aren’t you just glad? Women and men both head into the office, or at least used to pre-Covid, on equal footing save the 82 cents per dollar earned. Women can expect that their boundaries will be respected, unless working for Harvey Weinstein, or similar, equality reigning supreme.

Reigning supreme everywhere, that is, outside of Surfer Magazine which found itself in ultra-hot water after posting an egregiously sexist headline that would have even caused grimaces in 1955.

The piece in question showcased an outstanding Pipeline tube by Moana Wong Jones, phenomenally ridden. A “ride of the year” candidate for certain except to Surfer, which simply wondered if it was the “Best Pipe Wave Ever Surfed by a Woman?”

By a woman?


Just wow.

As you may remember, the publication was recently sold for millions of dollars to The Arena Group which happens to be chaired by Ross Levinsohn, whom National Public Radio accuses of having a “Frat House Behavior Trail.

More butts n boobs contests on the way?

Much shudder.