A web of lies. Photo: WSL
A web of lies. Photo: WSL

George Santos-like scandal grips Oahu’s North Shore after World Surf League lists past Pipe Masters as Pro Pipeline winners!

Welcome to the dystopia.

So there I was, this morning, drinking my very first cup of coffee, black, and thinking about the upcoming Billabong Pro Pipeline. As you certainly know, the World Surf League’s 2023 Championship Tour officially kicks off on Oahu’s fabled North Shore is less than two weeks and surf fans, horny as can be after a four month break, are horny as can be.

What surprises will the season hold?

Which crazy twists n turns?

Wanting to get a jump on those tea leaves, I finished my very first cup of coffee, poured a second and navigated over to the World Surf League’s website in order to parse the heat draw.

Alas, there was nothing posted save a list of past Pro Pipeline winners.

I clicked the link in order to study the name “Kelly Slater,” who happens to be the contest’s only current winner, and was met with shock and dismay, learning that Taj Burrow was a Pro Pipeline in 2009, Jamie O’Brien a Pro Pipeline in 2004, Andy Irons a four-time Pro Pipeline (2002, 2003, 2005, 2006) and Michael Ho a Pro Pipeline in 1982.

Well what in the world?

I looked back to make sure I did not click on an errant link but, no, the URL was as clear as day.


Now, surf fans would be familiar with the aforementioned names as Pipe Masters, not Pro Pipelines, and the bald-faced fudging of history is eerily reminiscent of the George Santos scandal currently gripping Washington D.C. The New York congressman outed as a massive fabricator after his web of lies about who, and what, he was unraveled.

Very embarrassing.

The World Surf League, which already roiled the public by claiming it was founded in 1976 when, in truth, it came to be in 2015, is further eroding credibility and might the 2023 campaign bring us, officially, to the post-truth era of professional surfing?

A space where video submission-like competitions rule the day?

Where Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch counts?

Where Lower Trestles crowns timid champions?


Billabong Pro Pipeline just one short year ago. Photo: WSL
Billabong Pro Pipeline just one short year ago. Photo: WSL

Health experts beg professional surfers to refrain from urinating on each other as box jellyfish invade Hawaiian islands ahead of Billabong Pro Pipeline!

Who knew?

I recently read an anecdote from comedian and onetime television talkshow host Chelsea Handler about how she, until very recently, believed the sun and moon were the same thing. The former holding court in the day, dipping down, changing clothes, and retaking the stage as the latter at night.

“How absolutely absurd,” I thought until hours ago when I learned that urinating upon a jellyfish sting is not, in fact, an actual remedy.

According to health experts, urine contains zero properties that alleviates the pain, it all being a strange wives’ tale, and that victims should instead rinse the area with seawater to remove stray tentacles before soaking the area in extremely warm water.

Per Jack Willans, senior aquarist and lead jellyologist at SEA LIFE London Aquarium, “It’s true what they say, you shouldn’t believe everything you see on the TV, and peeing on a jellyfish sting is the ultimate fake news.”

Well who knew?

Hopefully the inbound World Surf League Championship Tour participants as box jellyfish are said to be set to invade along with another pulse of extra-large swell.

According to the local ABC affiliate there are four things of which to be aware:

Vog, or volcanic fog, is bad enough but mass golden showering, amongst our heroes and heroines, would really tip the absurdity scale.

The Billabong Pro Pipeline kicks off in just twelve days.

Are there any pros you’d enjoy watching relieving his or herself on another?

Who on who?

More as the story develops.

Surfer magazine, recently purchased by group with “frat house behavior trail” CEO, in ultra-hot water after making egregiously sex-based claim!

"A woman's place..."

We live in the future and aren’t you just glad? Women and men both head into the office, or at least used to pre-Covid, on equal footing save the 82 cents per dollar earned. Women can expect that their boundaries will be respected, unless working for Harvey Weinstein, or similar, equality reigning supreme.

Reigning supreme everywhere, that is, outside of Surfer Magazine which found itself in ultra-hot water after posting an egregiously sexist headline that would have even caused grimaces in 1955.

The piece in question showcased an outstanding Pipeline tube by Moana Wong Jones, phenomenally ridden. A “ride of the year” candidate for certain except to Surfer, which simply wondered if it was the “Best Pipe Wave Ever Surfed by a Woman?”

By a woman?


Just wow.

As you may remember, the publication was recently sold for millions of dollars to The Arena Group which happens to be chaired by Ross Levinsohn, whom National Public Radio accuses of having a “Frat House Behavior Trail.

More butts n boobs contests on the way?

Much shudder.

Bloodbath at Da Hui Backdoor Shootout, multiple surf surfers injured, one in a critical condition at Queens ICU, “He had a big scar right above his eye and right below,…He was kind of purple when they brought him in.”

"Did I win?"

Wild scenes at the Da Hui Backdoor Shootout yesterday as lifeguards were stretched to capacity following injuries to big-wave world champ Makua Rothman, four-times Jaws winner, and big-wave world champ, Billy Kemper and Kala Grace, a twenty-four-year-old local who, only four days earlier, had caught one of the best waves of the winter at Pipe.


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A post shared by Kala Grace (@kala___grace)

Shortly before two pm, Grace’s helmet was ripped off following a closeout and subsequent sets drove him into the notorious reef where he was knocked unconscious.

In a dramatic rescue, a lifeguard abandoned his jetski to pull the kid out of the water.

CPR was performed on the beach.

“Probably bounced off the reef, he had a big scar right above his eye and right below,” his daddy, the Waikiki Beach Boy Willie Grace said. “He was kind of purple when they brought him in.”

The Hawaiian lifeguard Chris Owens, who nearly exited this mortal coil a few weeks back when he was kneecapped by an adult learner at Waimea Bay, posted an update on Grace’s condition on Instagram.

“Many of you already heard he was a victim of one of the most severe surfing accidents of all time while surfing in the Backdoor Shootout yesterday. I just got off the phone with my life long best friend Fielding Benson who is Kala’s Stepfather and was told from him, Kala has regained consciousness, but he couldn’t speak yet, I think because of the breathing tube in his lungs, but Fielding said he asked for a pen and the first thing he wrote to him and his Mom Maryanne was: Did I win?”

Makua, busted ACL in his knee, Kemper’s condition unknown.

See the rescue below.

The wedding, like all, was a whirlwind, but in the eye of the storm, John and Lauryn cherished a moment to breathe. “It was such a nice time after the ceremony,” reminisces Lauryn. “The air was magical—salty mist coming from Waimea Beach over the canopies. It felt like just us two, wandering the gardens.” | Photo: Vogue

Vogue magazine swoons over John John Florence’s “lush, bohemian” wedding to horticulture student with wild behind-the-scenes photo spread, “Laying down on the hot beach at midday, he made me ‘look over there’ as he grabbed the ring his mother had given him as a placeholder!”

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

A few days before Christmas, the shaggy haired boy who enchanted the world in Vogue fashion spreads and as the first tweenie to ride Pipeline married his long-time girlfriend, the Australian Lauryn Cribb.

The thirty year old Florence proposed to his long-time girlfriend, a model turned horticulture student, in 2019 using a diamond ring his mama Alex had found on the beach and right before a one-month yacht voyage.

“It was a blazing hot day, he was so nervous that he didn’t want to go in the water even though we were both sweating profusely,” Cribb, now Florence, told Vogue in an interview that forms a lavish spread of the wedding, including wild after-party photos. “He had a knee injury, so you can imagine I didn’t get the cookie cutter dropped knee proposal. Laying down on the hot beach at midday, he made me “look over there” as he grabbed the ring his mother had given him as a placeholder.”

The pair were married in the nearby Waimea Valley although torrential rains, the same storms that created an epic river wave that nearly slaughtered sad-eyed degenerate Jamie O’Brien, almost forced a switcharoo of locations.

“The Waimea River actually flooded the venue the day before, which, despite our concerns and the outcome the day of, is considered good fortune when the river is flowing,” said Cribb. “We were very lucky it subsided and the grounds were not at all muddy or wet.”

In the photo spread, which you can examine here, we find the couple and their myriad friends dancing the night away under a grand marquee festooned with lights, the happy couple hoisted upon guest’s shoulders, forming a miracle of love against the heavens.

“You know you’re in love,” said ol’ Dr Seuss, “when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”