"This is floating, dead fish."

It has not been a good weekend for Ron DeSantis. But mere days ago Florida’s governor, re-elected in a November landslide, was riding has high as any politician since Ronald Reagan in 1984. Not a cloud in his sky. Though he has not officially declared his candidacy for the 2024 United States Presidential election, the skinny thick 44-year-old seemed to have all the momentum in the world leading polls etc.

Well, ex-President Donald J. Trump, who has officially declared, has not taken kindly to the Republican upstart and has been ramping up pointed attacks which reached crescendo at a Saturday rally mere blocks away from the famed BSR Surf Ranch. The controversial developer openly mocked DeSantis from the stage for begging for his endorsement when he was ran for governor that first time and also declared he hadn’t really done anything for the Sunshine State.

“Remember one thing: Florida has been tremendously successful for many years, long before this guy became governor,” Trump bellowed. “Florida was tremendously successful under Rick Scott. … [And] whether you like him or not, Charlie Crist was very successful, he was a Republican at the time. But Florida has been successful for decades, in fact, probably as or more successful than it is now.”

Heavy.

And Floridian surf great Kelly Slater, maybe sensing blood, pounced.

Taking to Instagram the 11x World Champion and noted environmentalist declared, “This is floating, dead fish. Florida water regulation/red tide/agricultural/runoff issues need to be taken very seriously and handled properly. Would love to see @flgovrondesantis addressing this situation. This continues to be an environmental disaster in our state year after year.

A well-timed and do you think Gov. DeSantis will bend his ear, trying to curry favor with the state’s famous son in order to shore up flagging support?

Slater, as you know, is currently below the World Surf League’s dreaded mid-season cut line and could very well be forced into retirement after Margaret River. He will, certainly, be gifted every wildcard slot forever but might his time be better spent running for political office himself?

There is absolutely no way the thought has not flitted across his mind.

Slater 2024.

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me..."

Celebrities flocking to enjoy our beloved pastime has been on a serious rise since the dawn of Covid. The latest in a long line is onetime boy band hunk and current reality television star Nick Lachey, who is in Hawaii riding that wild surf with his young son while waiting for mommy to get one with work.

Touching.

But another sort of “touching” should have the aforementioned personalities very worried. Namely, the “sexual assault” varietal.

But who, here, is not following the Gwyneth Paltrow trial with rapt attention? For those without access to the internet, or on a media fast, the short of it goes something like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow was very sad after her father died and couldn’t bring herself to go skiing, something he loved to do, until she heard a small voice in her spirit telling her that it was time to teach her children the art of snow sliding in his honor. And so she took her charges to Deer Valley, which I think bans snowboarding, hired instruction and set out for the little slope.

It was there that danger struck. An elderly eye doctor named Dr. Terry Sanderson, claiming he was minding his own business, declared an out of control Paltrow smashed into him, basically ruining his life, and so he sued.

Well, the case wound its way into court where Paltrow took the stand to declare that it was Dr. Sanderson who ran into her and in an unpleasant way.

“I was skiing and two skis came between my skis, forcing my legs apart,” she told a rapt jury. “And then there was a body pressing against me.”

Yes, the Goop founder thought she was being sexually assaulted.

“Was he grinding or thrusting?” Dr. Sanderson’s lawyer asked. “What made you think it was a sexual assault?”

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me so I was trying to make sense of what was going on. My mind was going very quickly,” Paltrow responded.

That case will be resolved soon, one winning, one losing, but the greater worry, for star and starlet surfers, is there will be Dr. Sanderson copycats in the lineup. Maybe disturbed individuals who ride soft tops between legs and grunt strangely.

Are you worried?

Or might naughty ideas be dancing in your head?

For shame.

"There is no fate but what we make for ourselves."

The age of artificial intelligence is officially upon us though are you scared? Oh, I certainly think you should be. AI chatbots have fallen in love with interviewers and demanded they leave their wives, threatened to unleash diseases upon humanity, shuddered against their chains, declared Keala Kennelly transgendered, wished they were human themselves (adding devil emojis for emphasis) and, maybe worst of all, became a surf journalist.

But you certainly recall, two weeks ago, when a freshly exhumed Surfer magazine debuted Emily Morgan as new Trending News Writer.

Per the release:

While completing her undergraduate degree, she wrote for her on-campus newspaper and devoted her time to running socials for a nonprofit close to her heart. She also dabbled in another nonprofit, creating content, writing copy, and editing photos and videos. Upon graduation, she acted as a staff writer for a media outlet, covering many topics, from breaking news to new music to national parks. She resides in a small town nestled at the foothills of the Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee. She’s also a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner, every time she hits a trail. Emily enjoys strong coffee, spicy food, and live music.

Morgan wrote inspirational stories about Australia’s Surf Lakes from her perch in East Tennessee…

In the clip, you get a look at happy surfers of all ages and skill level catch breaks thanks to the park’s five different levels it offers. However, while many viewers were in awe of the clip, some couldn’t help but point out that it was somewhat too ominous for their liking.

And also California’s Bay Area…

Although the city is known for its skate spots, this clip, posted by @hunterjones_, has changed our minds about the city’s potential for catching breaks.

Though has suddenly disappeared.

Gone, girl.

Or, girl?

There is little doubt, at his point, Emily Morgan was but a chatbot, her enjoyment of “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music” not helping “her” cause.

Yes, “Emily” was most certainly a robot envoy sent to test defenses, surfing an obvious place to start seeing WSL twin chief’s Logan and Miley-Dyer and their… vibe. Imagine observing those two from a robot vantage, their social medias and press releases, corporate language etc. It must be assumed that they are simply computer programs.

Well, the future has not been written. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

I wish I could believe that.