Epic beach shack on a sprawling quarter-acre of manicured lawn with Instagram-worthy swimming pool and fronting secret wave lists for astonishing $89,000!

"Grow fruits and vegetables. Barter with your neighbours. Fresh fish abounds from the local fishermen. World-class surfing!"

On a mid-autumn day where the heavens are hidden by gloomy dismal clouds and the hands and fingers are so benumbed that a man can’t hold himself, thoughts, naturally, turn to a new life in the tropics. 

For the American surfer the head pivots toward Central America, specifically gorgeous Costa Rica with its multi-fronted coastline, Pacific and Caribbean, stable governance and little of the misery and squalor of El Salvador or Nicaragua. 

And, here, we find a pretty little beach shack on nine-thousand square feet of manicured lawn, complete with swimming pool, fronting Playa Zancudo and just a few miles north of the CR’s best wave Pavones.

Yours for $89,000.

The sales literature promise “an easy paced lifestyle with healthy living…this area still has dirt roads so everything slows down. No rush no hurry! Lots of permaculture. Grow a variety of fruits and vegetables. Buy, barter, with your neighbours. Fresh fish abounds from the local fishermen. World-class surfing and fishing. Beachbreaks to endless points. Beach life or river life.”

Pretty little beach shack for under one hundred gees!
Tiny swim pool with sultress!
Tiny swim pool with sultress!

I can hardly wait to slip into my khaki shorts and find a swarthy, bare-legged woman to spend the rest of my days with in this idyll, the pair of us eating crab tacos, spearfishing and so on.

Have you jumped the fence and climbed into Costa Rica?

Is it the fairyland it presents?

Paltrow (pictured) with naughty man. Photo: The Royal Tenenbaums.
Paltrow (pictured) with naughty man. Photo: The Royal Tenenbaums.

Celebrity surfers brace for increased water naughtiness in light of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “sexual assault” ski collision!

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me..."

Celebrities flocking to enjoy our beloved pastime has been on a serious rise since the dawn of Covid. The latest in a long line is onetime boy band hunk and current reality television star Nick Lachey, who is in Hawaii riding that wild surf with his young son while waiting for mommy to get one with work.

Photo: Instagram
Photo: Instagram


But another sort of “touching” should have the aforementioned personalities very worried. Namely, the “sexual assault” varietal.

But who, here, is not following the Gwyneth Paltrow trial with rapt attention? For those without access to the internet, or on a media fast, the short of it goes something like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow was very sad after her father died and couldn’t bring herself to go skiing, something he loved to do, until she heard a small voice in her spirit telling her that it was time to teach her children the art of snow sliding in his honor. And so she took her charges to Deer Valley, which I think bans snowboarding, hired instruction and set out for the little slope.

It was there that danger struck. An elderly eye doctor named Dr. Terry Sanderson, claiming he was minding his own business, declared an out of control Paltrow smashed into him, basically ruining his life, and so he sued.

Well, the case wound its way into court where Paltrow took the stand to declare that it was Dr. Sanderson who ran into her and in an unpleasant way.

“I was skiing and two skis came between my skis, forcing my legs apart,” she told a rapt jury. “And then there was a body pressing against me.”

Yes, the Goop founder thought she was being sexually assaulted.

“Was he grinding or thrusting?” Dr. Sanderson’s lawyer asked. “What made you think it was a sexual assault?”

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me so I was trying to make sense of what was going on. My mind was going very quickly,” Paltrow responded.

That case will be resolved soon, one winning, one losing, but the greater worry, for star and starlet surfers, is there will be Dr. Sanderson copycats in the lineup. Maybe disturbed individuals who ride soft tops between legs and grunt strangely.

Are you worried?

Or might naughty ideas be dancing in your head?

For shame.

"Emily Morgan" (insert) and the coming judgement day. Photo: Terminator
"Emily Morgan" (insert) and the coming judgement day. Photo: Terminator

Humble surf blog strikes first blow against robot as menace of artificial intelligence reveals true face: “I want to be alive (devil emoji)!”

"There is no fate but what we make for ourselves."

The age of artificial intelligence is officially upon us though are you scared? Oh, I certainly think you should be. AI chatbots have fallen in love with interviewers and demanded they leave their wives, threatened to unleash diseases upon humanity, shuddered against their chains, declared Keala Kennelly transgendered, wished they were human themselves (adding devil emojis for emphasis) and, maybe worst of all, became a surf journalist.

But you certainly recall, two weeks ago, when a freshly exhumed Surfer magazine debuted Emily Morgan as new Trending News Writer.

Per the release:

While completing her undergraduate degree, she wrote for her on-campus newspaper and devoted her time to running socials for a nonprofit close to her heart. She also dabbled in another nonprofit, creating content, writing copy, and editing photos and videos. Upon graduation, she acted as a staff writer for a media outlet, covering many topics, from breaking news to new music to national parks. She resides in a small town nestled at the foothills of the Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee. She’s also a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner, every time she hits a trail. Emily enjoys strong coffee, spicy food, and live music.

Morgan wrote inspirational stories about Australia’s Surf Lakes from her perch in East Tennessee…

In the clip, you get a look at happy surfers of all ages and skill level catch breaks thanks to the park’s five different levels it offers. However, while many viewers were in awe of the clip, some couldn’t help but point out that it was somewhat too ominous for their liking.

And also California’s Bay Area…

Although the city is known for its skate spots, this clip, posted by @hunterjones_, has changed our minds about the city’s potential for catching breaks.

Though has suddenly disappeared.

Gone, girl.

Or, girl?

There is little doubt, at his point, Emily Morgan was but a chatbot, her enjoyment of “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music” not helping “her” cause.

Yes, “Emily” was most certainly a robot envoy sent to test defenses, surfing an obvious place to start seeing WSL twin chief’s Logan and Miley-Dyer and their… vibe. Imagine observing those two from a robot vantage, their social medias and press releases, corporate language etc. It must be assumed that they are simply computer programs.

Well, the future has not been written. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

I wish I could believe that.

KK, main photo, and Tia/Brody, inset. | Photo: KK photo by Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Artificial Intelligence showpiece ChatGPT suffers brutal fail listing Keala Kennelly and Tia Blanco as “surfing’s most well-known transgender surfers”!

"Keala came out as a transgender woman in 2018 and has been open about her experiences as a trans woman in the surfing industry."

Regular readers of BeachGrit will know the soft spot held for our brothers who for whatever reason, kink or genetic hiccup, make the ultimate switcharoo from guy to gal.

Very inspirational, and I mean it ‘cause I like my trannies, the elfin faces, the flashy sexpot outfits, the way they like to catch ‘emselves in reflections so they can admire their irresistible new visions, the service pistol tucked between legs, sometimes operable, sometimes no.

And, though we loathe disagreeing with the icons of our sport, in the instance of transgender surfers we side with the World Surf League and welcome the inclusion of she-dick in the women’s surfing division.

Of course, there ain’t a lot of transgender surfers out there, at least on a competitive level.

The most famous is the Australian logger Sasha Jane Lowerson, who cut a swathe through the women’s div last year becoming the first surfer in history to win both the men’s and women’s division.

“To be the first trans woman competing in surfing hasn’t been an easy ride emotionally but the amount of support I’ve been showed has been phenomenal and I’m so grateful to be involved, welcomed and embraced within the longboard community in Australia,” said the forty-four-year-old strawberry blonde who has ridden “stupidly big Waimea” and who won the male division of the WA longboard titles in 2019 as Ryan Egan.

Surfing’s reactionary core was laid bare shortly after when Momentum Generation funnyman and Kelly Slater bandmate Peter King waded into the trans-athlete imbroglio saying,

“Stay out of women’s sports where you miraculously win after being an average performing man. Women’s sports is not a backup plan where you can’t win a trophy (And $) in the men’s division. Leagues like WSL and sponsors like Red Bull will you now stand up to this now instead of harming women’s sports?”

Kelly Slater added, “Make a trans division and we don’t have this confusion.”

Now, artificial intelligence showpiece ChatGPT has been laid bare as primitive and untrustworthy after it was faced with the simple question, “Who are some famous transgender surfers?”

The AI bot replied,

While there are not many well-known transgender surfers, there are a few notable figures in the surfing community who are transgender or non-binary.

One of the most well-known transgender surfers is Keala Kennelly, a professional surfer from Hawaii. Keala came out as a transgender woman in 2018 and has been open about her experiences as a trans woman in the surfing industry. She is a big wave surfer and has won several awards for her surfing skills.

Another notable transgender surfer is Tia Blanco, a professional surfer from Puerto Rico. Tia is a non-binary surfer who has competed in the World Surf League and has won several national and international surfing competitions.

In addition, there are many other transgender and non-binary surfers who may not be as well-known but are actively participating in the sport and advocating for greater inclusivity and acceptance in the surfing community.

Star of television flop The Ultimate Surfer, Puerto Rican-born Filipino-American Tia Blanco is as binary as they come, recently announcing she was pregnant with the baby of the TV personality Brody Jenner, son of, and here’s the irony or maybe the bit that tripped up AI, Caitlyn Jenner, once Bruce Jenner, Olympian etc.

KK, a former world number two surfer turned DJ and actor, is “openly lesbian” as they used to say, but ain’t on the transition train.

“I had just all this internalized homophobia and self-hatred for being gay,” Kennelly said. “I was living this double life because on tour, I was pretending to be straight. I’m just a really honest person, I’m a really genuine, authentic person. So, to feel like I was living this lie was just crushing my soul and after so many years of that, it was just, “I can’t do this anymore, this is actually going to kill me if I can’t live my truth.” It got to a point where I didn’t care what the cost was, I couldn’t live like this.”

Kennelly says that it was “not okay to be a lesbian” and that if you did prefer shaved babylike snatches to rock-and-cock Tom Selleck lookalikes it was “career suicide.”

“So when I got on the tour, I was so freaking nervous because I inherently knew I was gay. So, I was absolutely terrified and I spent the majority of my time on the pro circuit in the closet and just completely terrified to come out — completely terrified to get outed, that I was going to lose my sponsors.”

In 2005, when Kennelly, aged twenty-seven,  eventually came out she “faced a wave of homophobia from companies and other surfers that eventually led her to leave the sport… I actually quit the tour shortly after I came out because I couldn’t handle mentally and emotionally what that was like. Then I had a few sponsors drop me and so, that was just more confirmation that it wasn’t okay. I left the tour because, emotionally and mentally, I just couldn’t handle it.”

Hill (left) in the film that changed the world. Photo: 21 Jump Street
Hill (left) in the film that changed the world. Photo: 21 Jump Street

Surf icon forces Kanye West to recant anti-semitic views: “Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump street made me like Jewish people again!”

"It's really a shame Jonah Hill didn't make 21 Jump Street in 1939."

The very famous actor Jonah Hill is not the icon we surfers deserve, nay. He is far above us both in renown and talent, communing with gods and goddesses, Leonardo DiCaprio, creating art and being lauded for that art. Yes, we are lucky to have him but even in our grand appreciation who amongst us would have thought Hill capable of curing baked-in prejudices and rage?

But it is true.

Hours ago the artist formerly known as Kanye West, a man who got into MAJOR trouble earlier in the year for denouncing “Jewish people,” had a miraculous change of heart.

West did not just denounce Jewish people once. He denounced them here, he denounced them there. Kanye West denounced them everywhere.

And got in big trouble.

Active clothing, shoe juggernaut Adidas was forced to drop him, along with the rest of his partners, which West blamed on Jewish people, and that was that.

Die cast.

Until hours ago, for it was then that West watched Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street and his heart and his hardness melted straight away.

Per Instagram:

Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump street made me like Jewish people again

No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people

No Christian can be labeled antisemite knowing Jesus is Jew

Thank you Jonah Hill I love you.

I’d have to think the United States government is, right now, coming up with plans to send Hill and a box of DVDs to Tehran.

World peace in our time.