Celebrity surfers brace for increased water naughtiness in light of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “sexual assault” ski collision!

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me..."

Celebrities flocking to enjoy our beloved pastime has been on a serious rise since the dawn of Covid. The latest in a long line is onetime boy band hunk and current reality television star Nick Lachey, who is in Hawaii riding that wild surf with his young son while waiting for mommy to get one with work.

Touching.

But another sort of “touching” should have the aforementioned personalities very worried. Namely, the “sexual assault” varietal.

But who, here, is not following the Gwyneth Paltrow trial with rapt attention? For those without access to the internet, or on a media fast, the short of it goes something like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow was very sad after her father died and couldn’t bring herself to go skiing, something he loved to do, until she heard a small voice in her spirit telling her that it was time to teach her children the art of snow sliding in his honor. And so she took her charges to Deer Valley, which I think bans snowboarding, hired instruction and set out for the little slope.

It was there that danger struck. An elderly eye doctor named Dr. Terry Sanderson, claiming he was minding his own business, declared an out of control Paltrow smashed into him, basically ruining his life, and so he sued.

Well, the case wound its way into court where Paltrow took the stand to declare that it was Dr. Sanderson who ran into her and in an unpleasant way.

“I was skiing and two skis came between my skis, forcing my legs apart,” she told a rapt jury. “And then there was a body pressing against me.”

Yes, the Goop founder thought she was being sexually assaulted.

“Was he grinding or thrusting?” Dr. Sanderson’s lawyer asked. “What made you think it was a sexual assault?”

“There was a strange grunting noise and a body behind me so I was trying to make sense of what was going on. My mind was going very quickly,” Paltrow responded.

That case will be resolved soon, one winning, one losing, but the greater worry, for star and starlet surfers, is there will be Dr. Sanderson copycats in the lineup. Maybe disturbed individuals who ride soft tops between legs and grunt strangely.

Are you worried?

Or might naughty ideas be dancing in your head?

For shame.