A freaky rogue's gallery of sex-pots with
rattlesnake instincts!
Stuff happened in Hawaii that surprised… no
one.
Jack won Pipe, leaving his usual rope of dried semen on the
world’s chin, and brave little Pip, the reigning world champ
although with an asterisk, won Sunset thus completing his
transmogrification from wide-eyed lamb to beefy shouldered big-wave
stud.
A lot of dross surfed both contests.
35. Ramzi Boukhiam
: Missing both Hawaii
events, Ramzi has accrued 530 points, approximately the same amount
one might have expected him to earn had he competed anyway… that’s
not true, even the next guy on the list made it through a heat.
Whatever, still out injured for Portugal, Ramzi is looking down a
potential 2022 Liam O’Brien season, where he is cut before healthy
enough to compete.
34. Maxime Huscenot:
Since it was
established in 1635, l’Académie Française has existed as the
elitist, state-sponsored outfit responsible for the regulation of
all matters of the French language to make sure it does not become
corrupted. While it seems
stupid to have an official body whose main function is to be
responsible for maintaining the purity of a language, I think it
would be good if someone created an organisation that could
regulate which people we get to watch on Tour. Such an organization
would have snuffed Maxime a long time ago.
33. Jadson Andre:
Injured for Sunset and not
going to make Portugal, it is a little sad to see Jaddy in dead
last with Ramzi. Only yesterday he was taking to the air and
collecting Aussie and American scalps, serving as an omen, along
with ADS, of a Brazilian Anti-Style takeover of surfing. While that
didn’t happen (Pip and Gabe and Italo swooped into the light), it
is fun to reminisce about and laugh at how stupid our past selves
were.
32. K-Hole Andino:
Speaking of the
stupidity of our past selves, surfing’s collective past self was
apparently super retarded thinking K-Hole was ever a World Title
threat. Two straight losses in the Round of 32 to start the year,
K-Hole will be looking to simply stay on Tour by Margs time.
31. Michael Rodrigues:
My name is what?
30. Zeke Lau: With a game tighter than
mosquito pussy, ain’t no reason Zeke gonna languish here in
gurgling silence.
29. Jake Marshall:
Two straight 17ths sees
Jakey on the wrong side of the knife heading into Portugal. Nerve
racking for him considering Sunset represents his best chance of
success, but not something he can’t come back from. He surfed
decently in Hawaii, made a couple waves at Pipe (an improvement on
last year) and got hosed by the judges in favor of Ol’ King Jimmy
at Sunset. Long shot, but maybe.
28. Kelly Slater
: As Hawaii proved this year,
Kelly needs good waves to perform. Will be tough to watch should he
be cut after Margs, all commentary duties should be gifted to
Kelly. It will be fun to listen to him constantly relating
everything going on in the water to a random heat he had during
some contest no one remembers all while trying to one up
himself.
27. Jackson Baker:
Four sub-10 total heats in
Hawaii, one could argue that Jackson had a bad showing… well, he
did, he got two 17ths, but he did happen to put together a very
overinflated 15.00 total against Kanoa in the Round of 32 at Sunset
and lost. That, coupled with his look suggesting he’s going to
offer me a sarsaparilla at some Old West saloon, I was really
tempted to lift him a little higher, but his claims knock him down
a couple pegs. Why is everyone claiming every wave? Even wobble
fuck turns like Jackson’s were claimed. Gross.
26. Rio Waida:
After an impressive ninth at
Pipe (even after discounting his juiced 7.0 in Round of 32), I was
excited to see how he would do at Sunset. Even making one heat, his
Elimination Round one against Zeke, I was thoroughly unimpressed,
mostly due his overselling the interference.
25. Connor O’Leary
: Shit the bed in Hawaii,
leading to the concern that he could possibly not requalify for the
Tour via the Tour. If the judging criteria was head size, Connor
would be guaranteed perpetual participation.
24. Barron Mamiya
: Did you know that Barron
likes to ride smaller boards like 6’2”s out at Sunset? Oh, you did!
Well, of course you did, because the commentators wouldn’t button
up about the dudes riding smaller boards at those vague
specifications (6’2”s) during the comp. Speaking of, it’s always
funny to hear old has beens talk about modern competitors riding
the wrong equipment, like them using the old farts’ boards of
yesteryear would allow them to hack the waves to pieces like they
never did.
23. Ryan Callinan:
Seems to exist only
for the elite guys to devour and/or trip up against.
22. Kanoa Igarashi
: Sometimes I feel bad for
disliking particular people. And, in some instances, I feel so bad
that I end up somewhat liking them just to troll myself. When it
comes to the case of disliking Kanoa, I haven’t decided whether
that should apply. Perhaps it his complete lack of charm or his
self-aware insistence on making being annoying his whole
personality as a mechanism to mute any real criticism of his
persona/antics by saying claiming it’s just who he is that rubs me
the wrong way. Expect him to be a standout in Portugal, but Hawaii
kind of sucked for him.
21. Liam O’Brien
: To steal a Derek Riellyism,
ooooooweeee, Liam blew up in Hawaii! He didn’t really, but he did
make the QF at Pipe, which should bolster his requalification
chances enough to where he won’t have to surf the Challenger
Series. Would be a cool turnaround for Mr. Physics to stick after
having his leg amputated last year.
20. Callum Robson
: Last year’s winner of the
Morgan Cibilic Award for Inexplicable Aussie Tour success, Callum
did not surf well in Hawaii, never cracking 10-point combined heat
total (peaking at 8.33 in the Round of 32 at Sunset). Not entirely
his fault that his scores sucked, as the waves were garbage when he
surfed.
19. Samuel Pupo:
I would like to take this
opportunity to apologize to Sammy boy, not for anything I have
written about him directly, but in that in my last installment, I
referred to Callum as having won Rookie-of-the-Year last year, when
it was in fact Samuelsan.
18. Ian Gentil
: Watching midgets all day, it
can be a little disorienting seeing a comparatively taller, lanky
dude ride the same waves, especially someone like Ian, whose arms
sometimes look like he’s practicing taekwondo blocks, specifically
the olgul makki technique. I’m looking forward to seeing Gentil
take on the fat, slopey rights of Bells, which should provide
enough of an open canvas to see him in all his potentially gawky
glory.
17. Matthew McGillivray:
A last-place
finish at Pipe and a quarterfinal finish at Sunset has Matty all by
his lonesome in the number 15 spot on Tour. Spicy stuff.
16. Miguel Pupo
: Miggy’s rated eighth on the
WSL rankings, but only 16th here? Yeah, but only because like
having a crush on someone you see often but who you’re unsure about
whether they’d share in those same feelings, I must protect myself
and keep my distance/keep playing things too subtly, so as to avoid
looking like a fool should everything go sideways.
15. Jordan Michael Smith
: Almost no matter
what the result is that comes from his performances, Jordan manages
to simultaneously surprise and be predictable. He makes a
quarterfinals at Pipe? Well, he certainly has the talent, but he
also generally underperforms. He gets a 17th at Sunset, a place
where he should dominate? Well, he’s a bit of bonehead when it
comes to competing, but surfs too well for that to happen.
14. Nat Young:
Hate to do this, but I am just
going to say that I like Natty’s surfing on his backhand. Powerful,
horizontal, and repetitive in the vein of Occy, it is strangely
compelling. Did I just compare another goofyfooter’s backside to
Occy? Put me in the booth.
13. Seth Moniz
: Another great start in
Hawaii for Set…. Wait, he got two ninths but is rated eighth?
Motherfucker.
12. Caio Ibelli: As well as being
sneaky good at surfing, much better than you ever remember him
being, he must have a top-notch personality or undisclosed personal
wealth.
11. Leonardo Fioravanti: After failing to
make the cut last year, he’s already requalified for next year this
year. Motherfucker in the Seth Moniz sense.
10. Carlos Muñoz:
Placed here only to keep
Leonardo from making it into the Top 10. Had to do it… on second
thought…
9. Italo Ferreira:
Shitty start for everyone’s
favorite TV DEA agent, Ike will pick up steam in Portugal where
anything less than a semi would be truly shocking.
8. Yago Dora:
Unlucky to meet a rampaging Baby
Chumbo at Sunset, Yago didn’t start the year as anyone expected. Do
I care? Fuck no, Reincarnated-But-More-Electric-Gerry-Lopez is
awesome.
7. Ethan Ewing
: A disappointing result at
Pipe, followed by a to-be expected performance at Sunset (a
quarterfinal finish), I have nothing to other to offer about
Ethan’s surfing outside saying he’s well rounded enough to get
results anywhere except T’poo, held among the favorites at Bells,
Margs, El Salvador, and J-Bey.
6. John John Florence
: When John John is on,
like during his Round of 16 heat against Miguel Pupo at Pipe, it
seems hardly fathomable that anyone else could win a World Title.
The problem is that sometimes his talent can be so overwhelming
(just bask in it) and his ability to make the impossible look so
thoroughly easy that when he’s surfing more pedestrianly, he’ll be
underscored. In his OF with Jack, he was underscored, while Jack,
due to his innate ability to make both hard and easy things look
hard and radical (ala early-aughts Andy Irons), surfed no better
but won with almost a point to spare.
5. Gabriel Medina:
Two ninths ain’t so great,
but he’ll make the cut, win at the Kook Pond or at Chopes, and
snatch the number one seed for Lowers.
4. Joao Chianca:
Picking up where he left off
at Pipe last year, Joao surfed as if fizzing with electricity, this
time making it to the semis before losing to Golden Boy. He
followed that up with a semi at Sunset, a mixture of Filipe Toledo
and Tyler Wright (too many laybacks). With these performances,
especially at Sunset, he’s already requalified for next year.
Without the stress of possibly being cut, it’ll be fun to see him
pack barrels at Teahupoo and put it on rail everywhere else to try
to push into Finals Day.
3. Griffin Colapinto
: I admire Griffin.
Watching him interact in post-heat interviews and video clips, I
always had the sense that Griffin felt uncomfortable in his own
skin, which he admitted to in Episode 6 of the latest season of
Make or Break. What’s interestingt and what I kind of admire, is
how he decided to deal with those feelings, by acting sincerely,
which is almost completely opposite to how I’ve dealt with my own
issues of inadequacy and self-doubt. Sure, I probably am reading
way too much even into that supposed revelation via Griff… anyway,
after a poor result at Pipe, he got back on track at Sunset,
surfing like the mega talent he is.
2. Jack Robinson:
Fantastic performances
from Robbo in Hawaii, with a win at Pipe and semi at Sunset, has
him sitting in the top slot with the yellow jersey heading to
Europe and looking “ominous,” as Aussie commentators would say (to
quote Inigo Montoya, “I don’t think that word means what you think
it means”). The most amazing part of his Hawaiian contest adventure
was his record-breaking feat of
riding-the-most-waves-on-Tour-without-being-underscored-on-a-single-one-to-start-a-career
at Sunset. Through Sunset, across all competitions since 2013, Jack
has now ridden 461 consecutive waves without once being
underscored. Miraculous, especially since it is the longest to
start a career and has only been eclipsed by one Mick Fanning, who
owns the overall consecutive record at 601, put together in the
late-aughts/2010s using just three turns. Will he ever catch Mick?
If Pritamo has anything to say about it, he will.
1. Filipe Toledo
: Pippy’s transient
helplessness reminds us of his little boy charm and sweet
vulnerability. Winning at Sunset, Pippy proved once again that he
is the best surfer on-rail on Tour. In second position with Pipe
gone, look for him to seal up a spot for Trestles by El Salvador on
his way to becoming a two-time defending champ.
