Jackie and Kaipo post win in 2022 where the former lover of Madonna called Jackie John John and, inset, Jackie's tragic post from earlier today.

Dishwater blond honeypot Jack Robinson sensationally pulls out of Margaret River Pro following gruesome knee injury at Bells Beach!

Defending Margaret River Pro champ withdraws from pet event 12 months since he cooked John John Florence like a hamburger on a griddle!

Only days after the WSL judging panel opened the door for an Australian to win the world title at Lowers, conspicuously kneecapping the small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo at Bells, world number two Jack Robinson has pulled out of his hometown event, the Margaret River Pro.

Twenty-five-year-old Robinson, a former child prodigy who now stands at an impressive six feet and with 185 pounds of ballast, the musculature of his surf-honed deltoids delivering a raw sexuality generally only noted in big-dicked black guys and rarely seen in white males, injured his knee in his losing heat to Victorian wildcard Xavier Huxtable, who is no relation to Cliff Huxtable, the TV obstetrician played by BIPOC Quaalude enthusiast Bill Cosby.

You’ll remember last year, Robinson accounted for the two-time world champ and two-time winner of the Margaret River Pro, John John Florence, using airs and a three-turn combo to cook the Hawaiian like a hamburger on a griddle.

Where John John used rail to build an early lead, Jackie was an artist at his peak, kicking into gear mid-final, licking his stank fingers after each near-perfect ride, including a wild end section 540.

From Robinson’s IG.

“During my heat at Bells, I ended up injuring my meniscus (cartilage in my knee). After reviewing with a few specialists, and discussions with my team, I’ll be pulling out of the Margaret River Pro. As you all know, Margs is my home break, and I’m always looking forward to being in @westernaustralia. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to compete at Margs, but it’s what’s best for my recovery and long term goals. Next week I’ll be starting physiotherapy. I’m confident I’ll be back for the next event. It’s a long year and we are just starting! Thanks for all your support! ”


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Artist rendering of mid-season cut. Photo: France

Barbaric surf to decide fate of Kelly Slater, Kolohe Andino and others malingering below the dreaded mid-season cut line at upcoming Margaret River Pro!

Reign of Terror.

The curse, it appears, has been lifted. As a surf fan, you’ve watched through half-shuttered eyelids as the World Surf League’s 2023 Championship Tour traipsed from Pipeline to Sunset, Portugal to Bells. The wave quality at each stop, objectively hideous. The just-wrapped Rip Curl Pro was so bad as to leave even the most scientifically rational amongst us believing in hexes etc.

Well, that newly-believed-in dark hand appears to have a sense of humor for outlook of the days away Margaret River Pro is wild and wooly.


I cannot find Surfline’s official forecast anywhere, even after much searching, leading me to believe that some very naughty business happened on the World Surf League’s end of that marriage. Cheating, likely, but maybe worse. Here, for you, though is a report from Farm Online Weather.

After a mostly average and somewhat lacklustre start of the surf season for the world tour, a promising forecast is on the cards for the starting period of this year’s Margaret River Pro. The contests waiting period starts off on Thursday this week, when some generally clean 3-5-foot surf can be expected with possibly an initial round or two of contestable conditions.

A more promising outlook comes with a significant frontal feature to the south of South Africa will track east this week, maintaining a broad and persistent area of west-to-southwest winds directed towards the southwest of Australia. This will generate a large swell that should reach 4 to 5 metres, and should start to build on Saturday, peaking on Monday. Solid surf reaching the 6-foot mark is expected over the weekend and early next week, along with generally weak enough winds to make for an exciting and very contestable set of days.

And there we have it. As you know, the Margaret River Pro will feature the second annual Procession of Guillotines wherein underperforming surfers have their heads removed and blood soaked singlets sent to the underworld (Challenger Series). This year finds notable names Kolohe Andino, Kelly Slater, Ultimate Surfer Ezekiel Lau and Miguel Pupo ready to taste cold steel. Nat Young, Jackson Baker and Liam O’Brien hover just over the cut line but in real danger.

Which of them will be most helped by a girthy sea?

A quick check of the draw reveals that Nat Young will be surfing his first heat against Filipe Toledo. Relief must be flooding his heart as the li’l lion will certainly be floating a mile out the back thinking nervous thoughts. Experiencing a different reign of terror.

America for the win, I suppose.

Tom Cruise’s doomed sidekick Goose from gay classic Top Gun lists sprawling beachfront Dana Point compound for $6.5 million, “A once in lifetime offering!”

“Top Gun was a coming out movie in Blockbuster clothing!”

There is no greater tragedy in literature than the closeted homosexual struggle between Tom Cruise’s Maverick and his doomed sidekick, Anthony Edwards’ Goose, in the eighties gay classic Top Gun. 

For thirty-seven years, men have wept as they watched and rewatched the dramatic scene where Mav and Goose, whom Mav calls “honey”, eject after a failed dog fight with Iceman and Goose is killed when he gets booted straight into the aircraft canopy. 

With Goose’s succulent dick off the menu, Mav turns to Kelly McGillis’ Charlie Blackwood, although Blackwood’s empty hole is no match for Mav’s fantasy of Goose’s Herculean eggs and noble shaft hanging from the fork of his muscular legs. 

As Quentin Tarantino once opined, 

“You’ve got Maverick, all right? He’s on the edge, man…And you’ve got Iceman, and all his crew. They’re gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they’re saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways. Kelly McGillis,v she’s heterosexuality. She’s saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They’re saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what’s going on throughout that whole movie.”

Anyway, Anthony Edwards, who played Goose and who is now sixty years old can y’believe, is selling his spectacular Doheny house right there at 35145 Beach Road, Dana Point, in the guard-gated Capistrano Beach community. 

Edwards bought the joint for one-and-a-half mill in 1998 and used it as vacay house with his fam.

You got 2100 square-feet of living space, five beds, five bathrooms, beamed ceilings, arched gateways and gorgeous French sorta doors, above, looking straight into the Pacific. 

On a good day you might even see Pat O’Connell, a former sparring partner of Kelly Slater, a Chicago-born honey blonde with a little vibrating laugh and wrinkles on his face like cat whiskers, roaming the nearby Salt Creek lineup. 

Examine the finer points of Goose’s joint here. 

Do the right thing. Photo: TJ Maxx
Do the right thing. Photo: TJ Maxx

Filipe Toledo sponsor Hurley adds speedy fast bodyboards to ever-expanding offering of beard oil, fingernail clippers and inflatable pool toys!

But redemption for the bravest li'l coward?

Hurley, man. Like, wow. The brand, named after founder and core lord Bob Hurley in 1999 was, for years, the pinnacle of surf cool. Everything from its sleek logo to its best-in-class trunks to its design ethos to its d-suite to its star-studded team to its Costa Mesa office was the envy of the industry. Quiksilvers and Rip Curls and Mambos only able to gawk and dream.

Hot Tunas weeping silently in the corner.

The eponymous chief sold to Nike in 2002, for an undisclosed sum, making it all even cooler but then Nike pulled out the rug, in 2019, and sold to Bluestar Alliance and I just now realized that your favorite anti-depressive website is officially included in the Wikipedia.

“On December 28, 2019, surf publication Beach Grit reported that Hurley would not renew the contracts of professional surfers it sponsors.[9]”

Very cool.

That bit of hot intel was mostly true, save Kai Lenny and Filipe Toledo who continue to rip the )( to this very day.

Bluestar, anyhow, sensing greater opportunity than merely being cool and maybe even sensing the death of cool, began producing all manner of branded Chinese goods from beard oil to fingernail clippers to inflatable pool toys with neither .

And, just in, a pivot to bodyboards.

A TJ Maxx in Salt Lake City, Utah, is currently offering a great deal on boogies that appear to go very fast (top photo).

Zoomy bottoms etc.

At least Mach 3.

While some may chuckle, I’d beg for the aforementioned Toledo to kick one out at the upcoming Margaret River Pro, point toward The Box and prove that he was actually born with a spine.

The forecast is looking solid.

P.S. I just tried to go snag a nice picture from Toledo’s Instagram account because there appears to be a real cute one of him hugging his knees but realized he, like Michael Rodrigues before him, has blocked me. Is Kelly Slater Brazilian? Currently more questions than answers.

The new and improved surf industry. Photo: SKIMS
The new and improved surf industry. Photo: SKIMS

Sponsor-less professional surfers dream fevered dreams as ultra-influencer Kim Kardashian’s popular body positivity brand SKIMS releases new “surf-inspired” collection!

A heroine has risen.

These days have not been kind to professional surfers. What was once a career path that led to much wealth and wellness, home ownership, generational prosperity, has shriveled into a parent-funded pursuit for oh so many. Quiksilver, Billabong, Volcom, RVCA etc. used to dish out millions to local heroes, qualifying series mainstays and championship tour bottom dwellers alike. Now, they are all part of the same company and have re-evaluated cost to benefit.

You can imagine, then, the buzz of excitement rippling through the ranks when, hours ago, ultra-influencer Kim Kardashian announced that her popular body positivity brand SKIMS was releasing a “surf inspired” collection.

According to Good Morning America, “The latest collection features a mock-neck top, a high-neck top, a cheeky swim bottom, a swim long pant, a full-length catsuit” and comes in sizes all the way up to XXXXL.

But which of our bereft heroes would give the “Surf’s Up” drop the credibility it needs?

Liam O’Brien?

Matthew McGillivray?

Maxime Huscenot?

Making it all even more enticing, the pieces come in a shade of pink that is ideal seeing that Barbiecore is continuing to trend.

Micheal Rodrigues?

I just went and tried to look at the Brazilian regular foot’s Instagram to see if he needs a sponsor but realized that I am still blocked from the Açaí-gate coverage four years ago.

The blood feud that just won’t die.