"We believe that no one is born into happiness. You have to work and earn money, and then buy it. In a complicated world full of stress and doubt, we’re here to show you how much simpler things can really be when you allow us to take Complete Unrelenting Control.
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Hollywood funnyman-turned-surfer Jonah Hill skewers profiteers in $1.5 trillion “wellness” industry with breakout clothing brand Meaningful Existence, “We have one simple goal: to spread joy throughout the universe by Monetizing Happiness”

Derek Rielly

By

"Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets."

Jonah Hill, whom you used to read about most days here until a very sweet phone call from the director, funnyman and surf inspiration made me sit back on my haunches and lick the indent where my balls used to be, is behind a new clothing label that skewers goons profiteering off the world’s $1.5 trillion wellness biz.

Alongside a photo of what appears to be the noted thirty-nine-year-old actor, although his surfer’s flaxen couronne has been replaced by a waterfall of brunette curls, is the company’s manifesto.

Meaningful Existence is the lifestyle and wellness COMMUNITY founded, run, and ruled by Prophet Ezekiel Profit.

Based on the teachings of Profit, WE HAVE one simple goal: to spread joy throughout the universe by Monetizing Happiness.

Here at Meaningful Existence, we believe that no one is born into happiness. You have to work and earn money, and then buy it.

In a complicated world full of stress and doubt, we’re here to show you how much simpler things can really be when you allow us to take Complete Unrelenting Control.

 So welcome, we’re happy you found us. We will be the shirt on your back, the sweatshirt on top of the shirt, the slides on your feet, the blanket that tucks you in at night and, most importantly, the smile on your face. 

Meaningful Existence is everything, everything except a cult. PURCHASE our products and see for yourself.

To quote our leader, Prophet Ezekiel Profit: “Meaningful Existence is definitely not a cult.
 Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets™

Although Hill denies being the front for the brand, if you were to switch on tonight’s Lakers v Suns game at Crypto, you’d see the prophet enjoying ringside seats.

Now, Jesus Harvey Goddamn Christ can’t get ringside Lakers seats, but Hill sure can.

Believers at the Lakers v Suns game.
Ringside!

The prophet Ezekiel Profit’s bio reads,

Prophet Ezekiel Profit is a renowned spiritual guru, master of finance, and world-class conch blower.

He’s the author of twelve books, including the LIFE-CHANGING, “Meaningful Existence: Monetizing Happiness”.
 
He resides at the Meaningful Existence headquarters, a 20,000 square foot beachside compound where he instructs his followers on how to live a better life through monetizing happiness.

Hill has skin in the mental health game. Grew up with money, good neighbourhood, schools etc, but a nebbish Jewish kid called Feldstein don’t get the bitch or the glitz, if you’ll excuse the uncharacteristic lapse into obscenity. 

Whatevs, the meek sometimes do inherit the earth.

Just tees right now, forty bucks etc, only shipping domestically US and you gotta pre-order.

Happy Easter.

"You're safe, Kelly." Photo: WSL
"You're safe, Kelly." Photo: WSL

World Surf League changes rules under cover of night allowing “former champions named Kelly Slater” to earn points as wildcard post mid-season cut!

Chas Smith

By

THE MOMENTUM IS... never mind.

I’ll tell you what. If the World Surf League don’t just get more ludicrous with each and every sunrise then my name ain’t Charles Smith. The 2023 Championship Tour has been an absolute comedy of errors, thus far, beginning with the rollout of the much-celebrated Apple Watch that doesn’t work but keeps getting celebrated, and carrying right through to… whatever is happening in Torquay at Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer’s Airbnb on yet another lay day.

The surf has been garbage, the little spike of personality (Leonardo Fioravanti criticizing the aforementioned Apple Watch for not working) getting quickly fined into dull kowtowing and the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater ready to become victim of the much ballyhooed mid-season cut thereby erasing 90% of the elusive non-surfing surf fans’ reason to watch.

A trash fire by any other name would smell just as shitty.

Thankfully, though, Santa Monica has sorted out a way to save Kelly Slater from ever being mid-season cut, allowing him to surf forevermore. For under the cover of night, the rules regulating wildcards, and the points they are allowed for competing in championship tour events, have been changed.

Previously, and before Slater made proper suck, those wildcards gifted post cull would equal zero points even if that wildcard won the entire event.

Now, and after Slater made proper suck, those wildcards gifted post cull will equal zero points even if that wildcard wins the entire event.

Unless.

That wildcards is a “former champion or top five.”

i.e. Kelly Slater.

Or Conner Coffin, except he ain’t sniffing another wildcard until the World Surf League collapses and Rincon emerges out of the ashes as a specialty event on the reimagined California Bud Tour.

THE MOMENTUM IS REAL.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discuss the absurdity of the World Surf League and many other things related to the absurdity of the World Surf League.

The momentum is real.

Acevedo (left) and ex-girlfriend. Photo: Instagram
Acevedo (left) and ex-girlfriend. Photo: Instagram

Brazilian surfer who beat hell out of female pro in Bali accused of sending ex-girlfriend to hospital after brutal attack: “I ended up isolating myself for almost 3 months until the physical marks come out but those of the heart…”

Chas Smith

By

Persona non grata.

Surfer JP Azevedo is, certainly and deservedly, sitting right in the middle of a shit storm that shows zero sign of lightening any time soon. Days ago, the otherwise unremarkable Brazilian regular foot became infamous for beating the hell out of talented pro surfer Sara Taylor in Bali.

“After being dropped in on on my first wave, the guy’s friend punched me in the head and then after being confronted about hitting me, he attacked Charlie on the beach for filming him,” Taylor wrote on Instagram after posting video of the violence. “This is insane, does anyone know who they are?”

After surf luminaries such as Kelly Slater and skateboarding legend Ed Templeton demanded an unveiling, Azevado was identified and marked.

He, himself, took to social media in order to declare that it was all a misunderstanding due these topsy turvy times.

“This girl looked like a man, I didn’t know she was a woman. She surfed like a man, dressed like a man,” he stated. “She was riding everyone’s wave, she wasn’t respecting anyone. She went with my friend’s wave and pushed my friend out of the loop. I went to ask why she had done that to my friend. She went by and threw water in my face, cursed me. And then I lost my mind due to momentary stress and ended up attacking her. I lost my reason. After I attacked her I saw that it was a woman. She was wearing a T-shirt and I couldn’t see her bra. Soon after I apologized, a friend of mine came paddling up and I said, ‘Calm down, it’s a woman’”.

Well. It appears that Taylor’s being a woman would have made no actual difference as, hours ago, Acevedo’s ex-girlfriend Carol Braga revealed that he put her in the hospital after a brutal attack five-ish years ago.

“I dated JP Azevedo in 2018 and 2019. We ended it when he assaulted me hard,” she wrote. “Ended up in hospital with head trauma I was so ashamed of everything and especially of my daughter who I love so much. (… ) Anyway, I ended up isolating myself for almost 3 months in an inn in Rio, until the physical marks come out. But those of the heart… those still hold on Very difficult all of this.. even bc I loved him… Today, after such news (of the Bali attack), I decided to speak out and expose myself. Dont know if I’m doing it right. Forgive me daughter if you don’t like it. I wish for more peace in the world.”

Support was universal from pro surfing’s stars. Gabriel Medina commented, “Sorry for all that has happened! God knows all things. I wish love and strength in your life. Stay strong, Carol!” Lucas Chumbo encouraged, “it will pay off.” Tati Weston-Webb added three hearts etc.

All in some 2000 plus people commended Braga for her bravery. Acevedo, it seems, a proper persona non grata.

"She threw water in my face, cursed me. I lost my reason. After I attacked her I saw that it was a woman," says JP Azevedo.

Brazilian surfer who beat hell out of talented pro Sara Taylor in Bali blames gender binary confusion for attack, “This girl looked like a man, I didn’t know she was a woman. She surfed like a man, dressed like a man!”

Derek Rielly

By

"After I attacked her I saw that it was a woman."

The Brazilian surfer João Paulo Azevedo, aka JP Azevedo, achieved the worst sort of notoriety yesterday when video emerged of him beating hell out of the American surfer Sara Taylor in Bali. 

“After being dropped in on on my first wave, the guy’s friend punched me in the head and then after being confronted about hitting me, he attacked Charlie on the beach for filming him,” wrote Taylor, along with video of the attack. “This is insane, does anyone know who they are?”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by sara taylor (@salad_tray)

A who’s who from the surf and skate world, including world champion surfers Gabriel Medina and Mick Fanning, as well as skate icons Ed Templeton, Tony Alva, weighed in on the stoush. 

The greatest surfer ever, Kelly Slater, doxxed Azebvedo writing, “Get this guy sent home where he belongs.”

Azevedo, who’s been living in Bali since 2019, has since blamed the fluidity of the modern gender binary for belting Taylor.

“This girl looked like a man, I didn’t know she was a woman. She surfed like a man, dressed like a man,” he said. “She was riding everyone’s wave, she wasn’t respecting anyone. She went with my friend’s wave and pushed my friend out of the loop.

“I went to ask why she had done that to my friend. She went by and threw water in my face, cursed me. And then I lost my mind due to momentary stress and ended up attacking her. I lost my reason. After I attacked her I saw that it was a woman. She was wearing a T-shirt and I couldn’t see her bra. Soon after I apologized, a friend of mine came paddling up and I said, ‘Calm down, it’s a woman’”.

Taylor, a shredder of sorts, not tour level but good enough to land the occasional air-rev, ain’t no stranger to conflict in the water.

Two minutes into the edit, below, Taylor appears to get a little punchy after a drop in, although maybe they’re pals etc.

 

"Shrub it, kook." Photo: Narcissism
"Shrub it, kook." Photo: Narcissism

Environmentalists stand and applaud as World Surf League redesigns logo for purely performative conservationist arm!

Chas Smith

By

"As a global sports league, the ocean is our playground, it's our office."

Environmentalists both near and far took time away from saving the planet, hours ago, in order to properly stand and applaud the World Surf League’s bold decision to change the logo for its purely performative conservationist wing. Chief of Executives Erik Logan made the exciting pivot known via inspiring missive.

Super excited to share with everyone the new re-branding for WSL One Ocean. Same vision, same work, all focused on protecting our ONE ocean.

As a global sports league, the ocean is our playground, it’s our office. With WSL One Ocean, we hope that you can join us in protecting our ONE ocean, not only for this generation of surfers, but the surfers to come.

One Ocean is known, and respected, for its important work of taking pictures of professional surfers planting small shrubs in places they aren’t needed for likes and shares on social media.

Praise was quick and near universal.

Prishumate wrote, “Huge!”

Carlos_vargasurf added, “Wow a new logo, that is so exited.”

Gordosurfcam concluded with, “As well as looking after the ocean try looking after your staff. I have been treated horribly by your toxic people.”

Small shrub, currently, being mailed to Gordosurfcam’s door with Connor O’Leary on the next flight after his elimination round heat bringing a trowel.

More as the story develops.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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