"Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets."
Jonah Hill, whom you used to read about most days here until a very sweet phone call from the director, funnyman and surf inspiration made me sit back on my haunches and lick the indent where my balls used to be, is behind a new clothing label that skewers goons profiteering off the world’s $1.5 trillion wellness biz.
Alongside a photo of what appears to be the noted thirty-nine-year-old actor, although his surfer’s flaxen couronne has been replaced by a waterfall of brunette curls, is the company’s manifesto.
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Meaningful Existence is the lifestyle and wellness COMMUNITY founded, run, and ruled by Prophet Ezekiel Profit.
Based on the teachings of Profit, WE HAVE one simple goal: to spread joy throughout the universe by Monetizing Happiness. Here at Meaningful Existence, we believe that no one is born into happiness. You have to work and earn money, and then buy it.
In a complicated world full of stress and doubt, we’re here to show you how much simpler things can really be when you allow us to take Complete Unrelenting Control. So welcome, we’re happy you found us. We will be the shirt on your back, the sweatshirt on top of the shirt, the slides on your feet, the blanket that tucks you in at night and, most importantly, the smile on your face. Meaningful Existence is everything, everything except a cult. PURCHASE our products and see for yourself.
To quote our leader, Prophet Ezekiel Profit: “Meaningful Existence is definitely not a cult. Welcome to the future. The more you pay, the better everything gets™
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Although Hill denies being the front for the brand, if you were to switch on tonight’s Lakers v Suns game at Crypto, you’d see the prophet enjoying ringside seats.
Now, Jesus Harvey Goddamn Christ can’t get ringside Lakers seats, but Hill sure can.
The prophet Ezekiel Profit’s bio reads,
Prophet Ezekiel Profit is a renowned spiritual guru, master of finance, and world-class conch blower.
He’s the author of twelve books, including the LIFE-CHANGING, “Meaningful Existence: Monetizing Happiness”. He resides at the Meaningful Existence headquarters, a 20,000 square foot beachside compound where he instructs his followers on how to live a better life through monetizing happiness.
Hill has skin in the mental health game. Grew up with money, good neighbourhood, schools etc, but a nebbish Jewish kid called Feldstein don’t get the bitch or the glitz, if you’ll excuse the uncharacteristic lapse into obscenity.
Whatevs, the meek sometimes do inherit the earth.
Just tees right now, forty bucks etc, only shipping domestically US and you gotta pre-order.
Happy Easter.
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today’s sound tract
That’s a Who reference? At Catholic School, I got out of altar boy duty by claiming orthodox baptism, which meant i shot hoops during that open period.
Decade later, my sister wrote her doctoral thesis on 4 of my classmates that had been “fiddled” in the rectory. The name of that building always fascinated me, rectory.
Always hated the Who. Too.
But I’m about to go Postal dear friend LGR. The waves have fucking sucked for 9 weeks straight. Water is bitch cold. Did I mention wind? I should have, there, fixed it. Wind, cold AF. Sand is gone too, should add that. Like gone gone deep trench here and there.
Yup, things are getting eggy. And edgy.
Hope all is well and your Easter services inspiring.
Go play “Picklecall”!
I won’t surf for a few more weeks for the reasons you’ve pointed out, save for the rectory biz. The itch to get back in the water sooner was real until I saw the tape worms on my oldest kid’s arm after the last round of storms…
uncharacteristic lapse into obscenity…..
That is so fucking funny and I’m sober now too. Much more discerning about humor sober. Still fucking funny.
What was the phone call?
Wait! What? Jonah transformed The Bitchy Crab into a Philly?
Like Jesus, Profit’s face is behind a thin veil. And like Jonah, sure as hell wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a crowd. In a surf line-up thou, a lack of grace & style he/they/it would be in a spotlight!
Pretty sure they were selling those shirts at urban outfitters 15 years ago.
I paid a little more for the ecstatic model. The front has the slogan underneath the iconic image of Che Guevara. The rear has the signature of the freshly ordained not quite the Dalai Lama’s reincarnation signature underneath a Ying Yang symbol that has dollar signs within the inner circles that have become Star of David’s.Fully sick & spiritually woke all in one quality sacred garment!
From $40 ?
Meh
If you want something more aligned to an ‘unexplained experience’, FTL brings to you the newest, hottest brand out
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
No-one in the FTL boardroom is sure what it means, though after being mysteriously found this afternoon on a year old pizza box while searching for some aged cheese, it’s surely the next big thing.
From $39…
Chas Smith (left) and Derek O’Reilly celebrate being #1.
Chris Cote declares: “BeachGrit is the Fox News of surf media and Chas Smith is Tucker Carlson!”
Chas Smith
By Chas Smith
2 months ago
“The Most Trusted Name in News.”
Tucker Carlson? Are you serious? Tucker Carlson
“are we men or our we devo?”
Tim…come write for us…
Here’s a spic!
I was hoping covid would had one positive.
The destruction of basketball.
You , know, baseball has just started.
not sure i like the new rules. but just like surf contests the announcing volume is zero. no need to explain anything. the eyes have it!
Hang on … let me pivot this conversation back to where it’s supposed to be and highlight Derek’s recent transition with having his balls removed.
Otto, Raw Unfiltered … as you were …
i’m standin a tateention
1. Become a top 10 surfer
2. Invest earnings into a lamely named clothing company
3. Over estimate the demand for said products
4. Clothing company goes bankrupt
5. Send unpurchased clothing stock (90%+) to African villages to salvage a tax write off.
Upstart Jonah jumping straight to #2 on the list.
Spot on as this happens to so many athletes across all sports. BUT few part their sport with an Apple watch…
Prophet Profit – nice !!! At least they are upfront about their goals!!
Load of pungent crap.
Complete and unrelenting control already describes the Republican party.
I get mass marketing.
Dude, just move to San Francisco and get yourself a heaping knife full of progressive goodness
where you can either ride cable or lay cable while takin it to the streets!