Smoke = fire.

Professional surfing, at the very highest level, has decided that it is best, most prudent, to take an entire month off between events in the middle of the season. The Margaret River Pro, as you may recall, wrapped its business on April 28. The Surf Ranch Pro will not kick off until May 29. A bizarre and needless long break which leaves fans of professional surfing adrift and otherwise troubled.

To what should attention be paid?

Oh certainly we have the NBA playoffs, dog day baseball, Miami’s F1 and the absolute best of all AFL (Go Pies) but, at the unfortunate end, we are fans of professional surfing and need storylines that World Surf League Chief of Executives Erik Logan can’t/won’t provide.

He’s a real bummer.

Well, Gisele Bündchen gracing the Met Gala solo can be applauded. The Brazilian supermodel, of course, attended the world’s most important fashion event, this year honoring Karl Lagerfeld whom The New York Times describes as “a firehose of offense.”

Gorgeously borrowing BeachGrit’s other tagline.

Hours ago, anyhow, Bündchen strutted in front of the camera wearing vintage Chanel. A feathered piece from 2007, wedding-style, right when she was dating Kelly Slater.

Without ex-husband Tom Brady nor the dashing jiu-jitsu instructor she has been allegedly seeing.

A certain sign.

The two reigniting their flame and, thus, ushering in a new surf shangri-la.

Slater, you may know, attended the Met Gala in 2015 and looked quite sharp in a classic tuxedo.

You must see the significance.

Must recognize this all as a sign.

27 days and counting to the Surf Ranch Pro.

26 days and counting tomorrow.

Light a candle in the meantime.

"What Bethany does even today is incredible, riding waves with just one hand!"

It has been nearly three months since the World Surf League declared war on the inspirational one-armed surfer Bethany Hamilton. The shocking row began after the Santa Monica-based “home of professional surfing” adopted liberal new rules allowing transgender surfers with low testosterone, revealed through self-testing, to compete against women. While many cheered the progressive stance others were not so happy. Surf great Kelly Slater called for the creation of a trans division while Kauai’s Hamilton discussed issues of fairness.

Retribution was swift.

Surfers were not allowed to choose “Hamilton” for their jerseys celebrating International Women’s Day and commentators were not allowed to mention her name.

A brutal erasure.

Well, the World Surf League’s forecasting partner Surfline has decided to break ranks with WSL chiefs Erik Logan, Jessi Miley-Dyer etc. and spoke glowingly about the thirty-three-year-old mother of three during yesterday’s live broadcast of the XL Teahupo’o swell. Her unique ability to paddle, spin and pop up all with only one arm, her tenacity, highlighted.

There is no word, as of yet, how the World Surf League will respond to such provocation. Will Surfline be scrubbed entirely? Told to apologize and beg for forgiveness?

Sent to the gulag (Challenger Series)?

Currently more questions than answers.

"For that comment I'm gonna drop in on you again."

Surf nobility has descended upon Coolangatta, Australia and its famed Snapper Rocks. The Gold Coast hamlet was once a crown jewel in professional surfing’s crown. For many years it hosted the championship tour season opener and a gilded soiree celebrating the past year’s winners. Now, it has been relegated to the minor leagues, hosting a challenger series event but at least it is the first one after the dreaded mid-season cut thereby guaranteeing A-list attendance.

The Boost Mobile Pro, which opens its window on May 6th, has not announced the draw, yet, but Snapper has been firing and the aforementioned who’s who has been in the lineup, sampling.

Well, just yesterday videographer Simon “Shagga” Saffigna captured a wonderful clip not of a surfing prince or princess but rather a hefty gent on a longboard experiencing the monster ride of his young life.

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A post shared by Simon "Shagga" Saffigna (@shaggamang)

While he missed the barrel, praise for his panache was near universal.

Notable surf journalist Tim Baker declared, “World champ if the best surfer really is the one having the most fun.”

Gold Coast legend Dean Morrison added, “The feel and real effect.”

Captain America Taylor Knox listed many laughing until crying emojis.

Of course there was light ribbing and then a backlash to that light ribbing, people angry that fun making was happening at the expense of a good-natured fellow, which brings us to Kelly Slater.

The world’s greatest surfer, never shy in sharing his opinion, penning, “Some people getting real triggered over a joke here. I’m happy the guy is stoked but it is pretty funny.”

Now, students of the game know that the 11x world champion is also the world’s most sensitive surfer, blocking anyone on social media who dare giggle his way. Slater’s delicateness is renowned. His thin skin legendary. But do you think he sniffs that whiff of hypocrisy, his pot calling other kettles’ black, or do you think he fancies himself an unflappable tough guy?

Very funny if the latter.

In any case, Slater was told to “eat a bag of dicks” for dropping in on someone. He then vowed vengeance.

“For that comment I’m gonna drop in on you again. Deal with it.”

Meow.