"For that comment I'm gonna drop in on you again."

Surf nobility has descended upon Coolangatta, Australia and its famed Snapper Rocks. The Gold Coast hamlet was once a crown jewel in professional surfing’s crown. For many years it hosted the championship tour season opener and a gilded soiree celebrating the past year’s winners. Now, it has been relegated to the minor leagues, hosting a challenger series event but at least it is the first one after the dreaded mid-season cut thereby guaranteeing A-list attendance.

The Boost Mobile Pro, which opens its window on May 6th, has not announced the draw, yet, but Snapper has been firing and the aforementioned who’s who has been in the lineup, sampling.

Well, just yesterday videographer Simon “Shagga” Saffigna captured a wonderful clip not of a surfing prince or princess but rather a hefty gent on a longboard experiencing the monster ride of his young life.

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A post shared by Simon "Shagga" Saffigna (@shaggamang)

While he missed the barrel, praise for his panache was near universal.

Notable surf journalist Tim Baker declared, “World champ if the best surfer really is the one having the most fun.”

Gold Coast legend Dean Morrison added, “The feel and real effect.”

Captain America Taylor Knox listed many laughing until crying emojis.

Of course there was light ribbing and then a backlash to that light ribbing, people angry that fun making was happening at the expense of a good-natured fellow, which brings us to Kelly Slater.

The world’s greatest surfer, never shy in sharing his opinion, penning, “Some people getting real triggered over a joke here. I’m happy the guy is stoked but it is pretty funny.”

Now, students of the game know that the 11x world champion is also the world’s most sensitive surfer, blocking anyone on social media who dare giggle his way. Slater’s delicateness is renowned. His thin skin legendary. But do you think he sniffs that whiff of hypocrisy, his pot calling other kettles’ black, or do you think he fancies himself an unflappable tough guy?

Very funny if the latter.

In any case, Slater was told to “eat a bag of dicks” for dropping in on someone. He then vowed vengeance.

“For that comment I’m gonna drop in on you again. Deal with it.”

Meow.

Introducing Rescue: HI-Surf!

There has been no official announcement, of yet, that Apple Television’s Make or Break has been cancelled though those on the ground in Margaret River have declared there appears to be no cameras or crew filming our World Surf League heroes and heroines.

For his part, World Surf League Chief of Executives Erik Logan continues to be extremely bullish on the “entertainment” side of the business even after shuttering WSL Studios, having Ultimate Surfer ranked “most embarrassing show ever” and getting canceled after one season and now allegedly losing Make or Break.

In a recent sit down with the West Australian in which Logan spoke of “bringing the razzle-dazzle” back to surfing and said, “The real key for us is keeping in mind that the media part of this is the vehicle by which we connect the fans to the sport. That for me is what really excites me.”

“E-Lo,” as he must have insisted on being called for the piece, then hints at a disturbing sensual relationship with Kelly Slater before ending with, “I’m an energy guy and I love just being in the presence of people so I feel the energy of what’s going on. Just walking through the town, listening to the conversation or how people walk around the IGA it’s so fun. It is a surfing community.”

Cool for Logan, but what about the rest of us? Those “non-energy guys” who require surf-based television programing?

Thankfully, we have Fox television.

The network, it is being reported, has sent a straight-to-series order for Rescue: HI-Surf.

According to Deadline:

“Rescue: HI-Surf brings an edge-of-your-seat style to the North Shore of Hawaii, where lifeguards and surfers collide with visceral rescues, great character drama and all-around fun,” said Michael Thorn, President of Scripted Programming, Fox Entertainment. “This new franchise is pure beachfront property for Fox, especially with the powerful auspices of John, Matt and our incredible partners at Warner Bros.”

No mention of the World Surf League.

Thrilling news, in any case, and I do hope producers and writers spend time with Mick O’Brien. Jamie’s father worked for many years as a North Shore lifeguard and has enjoyable stories. Back when I was working on the hit film Who is JOB? I had the pleasure of living with Mick in that famous Pipeline-front house. Mick would wake me up at 3:30 in the morning and make me go fishing with him. We’d drive circles in his boat and drink light beer while he regaled me with tales. If we caught any fish, he’d make me drive with him to Honolulu to sell it at the market. We’d come back home very late and start again the next morning.

An honest life and probably good for at least one episode.

Energy guy.

"...after Kelly Slater wins a heat and walks up and pinches me, it’s pretty cool."

The dust is now fully settled in Margaret River where Gabriel Medina and Carissa Moore hoisted the trophies at the end of that eponymous championship tour stop and the rankings are set heading into the back half of the season. As you know, underperforming surfers were chopped in Western Australia leaving the twenty-two best-thus-far and one Kelly Slater.

Oh, the world’s greatest surfer, fifty-one, needs no introduction but did not have a good 2023, competitively, and was left sprawled out, neck under guillotine blade alongside Kolohe Andino, Jackson Baker, Zeke Lau, Nat Young and many others.

It was to be the first time the 11x champion would fall off tour and surf fans wondered if he would retire. If he could retire.

Well, the World Surf League tipped its hand, weeks ago, when, under cover of darkness, the rule book was quietly changed to allow wildcard surfers to receive points for performances in championship tour events if they just so happened to be past world champions.

Sneaky.

The path was greased for Slater to re-qualify with two average showings and then all but guaranteed when he was gifted a season-long wildcard.

Important for a few reasons. Not only will Florida’s finest remain on tour for the foreseeable future but, instantly, he is much closer to Olympic glory.

The mid-season cut, you see, was extra harsh to Americans, decapitating most. Griffin Colapinto is certainly in the driver’s seat, currently fourth, and John John Florence also looking sharp, hovering at sixth. Below him, and in the qualification chase, Barron Mamiya, Seth Moniz and Ian Gentil. Fine surfers all, but in no way dominant.

With the rules changed allowing Slater to continue, might a few more be changed allowing him to realize his Olympic dream?

Slippery slope etc.

But why all this bending over for the GOAT?

Certainly he is a great draw, historically meaningful etc. but more disturbing reasons may be in play.

Sensual reasons.

For in a just-released interview with the West Australian, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan let a small cat out of a smaller bag.

“Every event I go to, I’ll be in the locker room, I’ll be at the stairs, in Tahiti I was in the channel,” the Oklahoman told the broadsheet. “To be on the stairs after Kelly Slater wins a heat and walks up and pinches me, it’s pretty cool. I love being around it and I’m a fan, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

To be on the stairs after Kelly Slater wins a heat and walks up and pinches me, it’s pretty cool?

Pinches me?

Pretty cool?

Locker room?

Yikes.

Read the rest of how Logan is bringing the “razzle-dazzle” to surfing here.