Who is number 1?

We are underway, the scale has been set and it’s time to power rank our dear commentators after their opening Pro Pipeline salvo. There was good, there was bad, and let us, without further ado, scientifically place them in order.

6) Joe Turpel: Mr. Plastic Fantastic does certainly have his moments. There are times and places where the breezy lilt of his voice fits both mood and action but those times and places are rare and the rest of it is spent completely out of tune with what is happening. The best anecdote happened on final’s day when Strider got caught by a rogue set and drilled to the reef. He explained his ordeal in a cool manner but it would certainly not have felt good, laden with microphone backpack etc. but the best Joe could offer in response was “gotta love it,” all happy like. Same as “he gets back on the ski and resets” after witnessing a shark attack. Turpel needs to find one other speed in order to move out of the basement.

5) Megan Abubo: It must be difficult to have to show up as a commentator rookie, having to jibber-jabber about professional surfing in very rotten conditions for hours and, with that being the case, Megan did not do horribly. She added some important Pipe insight and competitive secrets. The one real problem was when she fell upon the word “spicy” and could not stop saying it. Spicy turns, spicy boards, spicy paddling, spicy snaps, spicy meat-a-balls.

4) Ross Williams: There was once a day when Ross was the gold standard of World Surf League commentating. Low key, professional, intelligent, able to poke little holes in the Wall of Positive Noise without getting canned. He’s still good but hasn’t changed, isn’t bringing anything different to the dance and, thus, feels tired.

3) Strider Wasilewski: Strider in the channel is the one bit of professional surf commentating that might someday be boxed up and preserved in a museum. He is the perfect man for that job, sitting for hours in the drink, providing a different point of view, keeping the energy high. That might be his only chink, really, keeping the energy high when he should just flat out say that it sucks. Like when the women were out for their quarters. A dash of honesty is all he needs to soar.

2) Kaipo Guerrero: JP Currie is wrong on this one. Kaipo is aging like fine wine. His exaggerated pronunciations of any non-english word, his slow enunciation at critical moments, his rubber expressions when the camera heads into the booth. Kaipo knows his surfing, knows the game and also, especially late in the day after conditions grow trash, is not afraid to wink and nod at the beleaguered fan at home. This man is going places.

1) Laura Enever: The top of the pops, though, is without doubt Laura. Her effortless confidence, being cooler than any surfer she interviews, braver than current men’s world champion, smart, witty, wry. She is the whole package and the World Surf League is beyond lucky to have her. The real worry for the fan, I suppose, is that the League takes for granted and some other professional sport or E! TV swoops in a steals her away leaving us bereft.

The exact same LBGTQ+ flag that proudly adorns the shoulder of Pro Pipeline runner-up Tyler Wright's jersey.

The World Surf League has officially wrapped up its very first event of the 2023 championship tour season and under an absolute culture war bombardment. Oh sure, things at the Billabong Pro Pipeline went as they went, Carissa Moore and Jack Robinson winning at the end but the attention, from the mainstream, was focused squarely on Bethany Hamilton who took to social media declaring a boycott over a new, progressively inclusive transgender policy.

Headlines around the globe focused on Hamilton’s stance, but you wouldn’t know any of it whilst watching the broadcast. No mention from Kaipo, Joe, Laura or Megan.

Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer keeping her talking points focused on the morning call.

Chief of Executives Erik Logan giving cheeky little behind-the-scenes peeks.

Nothing more.

Now, it could be thought that the powers’ that be would have considered the rule change and believe in it. It might be imagined that someone would have challenged Hamilton’s take, declaring the World Surf League to be a place of liberal idealism where all, regardless of gender identity, are welcome.

But all quiet.

Well, another chance for the World Surf League to brandish its progressive bonafides has just presented itself. Huntington Beach, home to the WSL sanctioned U.S. Open of Surfing has just voted 4 – 3 to ban the LBGTQ+ rainbow flag from flying on any city property.

The exact same LBGTQ+ flag that proudly adorns the shoulder of Pro Pipeline runner-up Tyler Wright’s jersey.

Aaron McCall, who hails from nearby Costa Mesa, is gay and vice chair of the Orange County Young Democrats declared, after the vote, “Those four members of the City Council are trying to give speech that LGBT people are not welcomed, they’re not celebrated and they’re not included. That’s crazy, because Huntington Beach is the people’s beach, Orange County’s beach. That’s where we all go, that’s where we all celebrate our birthdays, celebrate the U.S. Open [of Surfing] and they’re trying for the Olympics. But their stance is saying that their bigotry and their hatred toward the community is more important than the rest of the visitors and residents of Huntington Beach.”

Which brings us right back to the World Surf League. Will it boycott Huntington Beach for upcoming surf contests or abide by the no rainbow policy?

More as the story develops.

Low, high, low.

Surf legend Kelly Slater has certainly been riding a rollercoaster this past few weeks. Low then high then low once again and you, certainly by now, have either seen Pamela Anderson’s documentary Pamela, A Love Story or read her memoir Love, Pamela. The pinup-turned-television-star has opened up about her life and loves, the aforementioned 11x world champion all over both.

Slater and Anderson dated for a few years, as you know, during the Baywatch years and formed quite a pair. Alas, Mötley Crüe dummer Tommy Lee slipped the notorious love drug ecstasy into the blonde bombshell’s drink right before she was supposed to meet the Pipe Master’s mother and the rest was history.

Lee and Anderson married on the beach after a whirlwind four days, had a personal video tape stolen from a safe, Lee domestic violenced Anderson and they became divorced.

Water under the bridge, though, as Anderson told People magazine that he was the only man she had ever truly loved, in a lead up to publication, leaving Slater out in the cold.

Well, Anderson had a change of heart, as these things go, and then called Slater “her big love, actually,” sending the Floridian’s heart soaring.

Top of the world.

Slater responded by commenting on Anderson’s son’s Instagram that he “looks forward to watching” the documentary in a bit thumb directed at Lee, who had stated he “could care less” about it.

Alas, it appears that rock n roll has beat surfing once more, though, as today we have learned that Anderson has texted Lee that he is, in fact, her one true love as TMZ has obtained screen shots of the exchange.

In the pits.

But do you feel bad for the surf great? Defeated by both Yago Dora and multiple times by Tommy Lee in the same week?

Bad enough to light a candle?

Let’s do it together.