ISA World Surfing Game's biggest stars evacuate event amid fears the virus could turn into pneumonia, pleurisy, nephritis or empyema.

Earlier today, news that the highly fancied Team USA which included world champs John John Florence and Carissa Moore as well as tour leader Griffin Colapinto and Caroline Marks had plunged to 21st place overnight. 

Along with the withdrawal of Brazil’s Gabriel Medina and João  Chianca it had become obvious the long and confusing contest had drained the interest of the world’s best surfers whose eyes were fixed on the CT event which begins in two days and which is also in lesbian-unfriendly El Salvador.

The question we asked, therefore, was were tour surfers throwing heats through a lack of interest and making a mockery of the system by withdrawing mid-contest? 

Maybe no! 

In a statement released by the Brazilian Surf Confederation, the governing body of the competitive side of things down in that feisty joint, both Gabriel Medina and João Chianca had been withdrawn from competing on finals day due to a mysterious COVID-like virus. 

“In a joint decision between the athletes and the director of sports of CBS Paulo Moura it is with sadness that we announce that Gabriel and João will not continue competing in the ISA Games that is taking place in El Salvador.”

According to Paulo Moura,

“Gabriel had the flue two days ago and João also woke up with the flu and considering the proximity to the WSL event that counts towards the world title and the Olympic position we opted to withdraw them from competition… if the contest was not so close we would still be in the event but Gabriel Medina and João Chianca cannot risk it because they need to be one-hundred percent for the weekend.” 

A sound decision, if indeed the pair are reporting headaches, coryza (that inflammation of the nose’s mucous membrane), a temperature and great prostration, they must must rest, hydrate and so on lest the virus turn into pneumonia, pleurisy, nephritis, empyema or aught else of importance.

Prayers etc.

“Maybe we should’ve waited a week to sorta be politically correct or respectful enough to Adriano."

In the American winter of 2015, the Brazilian Adriano De Souza mounted a wonderful and brave charge to win the Pipeline Masters and the world title. When you saw his trembling little lips, it made you want to put a biscuit in his mouth and peck away the crumbs.

Did sport get any better? The unfancied and unpretty Adriano De Souza, throbbing to his own pulse, galloping to victory. But Adriano was gifted approximately 15 hours at the summit of the surfing world before the spotlight was turned off and aimed at Kelly Slater and the wave pool he, along with fluid mechanics engineer Adam Fincham, created near Fresno in California.

Chas Smith opined, “Kelly Slater is an absolute master of stealing the spotlight any time it drifts, slightly, from his handsome face. He was mad at me for having a cup of coffee and not talking about him and so he released a perfect video that is burning the Internet down.

“Worse still, though, is poor Adriano de Souza. Hours ago, literally hours, he was on top of it all. He was champion of the world, the first ever Brazilian Pipe Master too! He had etched his name into the record books and could sit back and be lauded for a hard-fought year. Except he couldn’t because when he woke up this morning the lauders were glued to computer screens not watching his year’s highlights but ogling Kelly Slater’s magnificent wave.

“I want to be frustrated but he is so good at it, so utterly masterful, that all I can do is stand, mouth agape, like everyone else. Oh, my mouth is not agape at the wave. It scares me in a way that I cannot explain. Like, really points to the end of the world somehow.”

Of course, it doesn’t matter what people call you unless they call you pigeon pie and eat you up. But did you think Adriano taking the world title determined the timing of the wave pool clip, and that it snatched a glimpse of the shadow in Kelly’s feelings towards Adriano?

Long ago history, I suppose, and a mystery never commented upon by the eleven-time world champ. Until now as Slater has finally cracked after sustained and wilting pressure from Emmy-award winning journalist and biz man Graham Bensinger.

First, says Slater, it wasn’t his fault the pool shadowed brave Adriano’s win.

“We’d filmed this on December five and I wanted to put it out right away, or two days later, and the team decided they didn’t want to interfere with the world title, distract from that,” Slater tells Bensinger. “The day after it (world title) was done they said, ‘Let’s post it now.’ And then everyone thought I was doing it to mess with the world title. Which wasn’t the case.”

In hindsight, maybe a little cruel?

“Maybe we should’ve waited a week,” says Slater, “to sorta be politically correct or respectful enough to Adriano… I don’t think any of us foresaw how viral the thing was going to be. We knew people were going to be, ‘Oh that’s super cool.’ But we didn’t know it was going to take on a life of its own.”

Slater also reveals the joint was busted after the first day and that it took six months to get it running again.

“We had a problem in our design at the time and, essentially, what we designed broke after the first day. We didn’t run another wave until May. We had to break down the whole thing and redo it.”

Italian Edoardo and Spain’s Gonzalo Gutierrez put double world champ to the sword in El Salvador…

The Olympic qualifier in El Salvador is, if anything, a lesson in relevance as highly fancied Team USA, whose team members included world champs John John Florence and Carissa Moore as well as tour leader Griffin Colapinto plunged to 21st place overnight. 

John John was put to the sword by Italian Edoardo Papa and Spain’s Gonzalo Gutierrez, Griffin, a no-show and Carissa exited courtesy of German Noah Klapp, Saffi Vette from New Zealand and Spain’s Garazi Sanchez. 

Venezuela (19), Israel (17), Germany (11), Italy (9), Canada (6), France (4), Peru (2) and Japan (1) all stand on the throat on the biggest surf nation in the world. 

Is this shift to surfing’s new world permanent or is there a little more to it, a nuance less discussed?

It ain’t easy to work out the format, endless heats, repechage loser rounds etc, but, bottom line, you can’t lose more than twice, and it would seem that, along with the withdrawal of Brazil’s Gabriel Medina and Joao Chianca, the endless format has drained the interest of the world’s best surfers whose eyes are on the CT event which begins in two days and which is also in lesbian-unfriendly El Salvador.

The question we ask therefore, is this: are tour surfers throwing heats through a lack of interest and making a mockery of the system by withdrawing mid-contest or is the diff between, say, John John from Team USA and Italy’s Edoarado Papa smaller than the surf industry might like you to think? 

I’d suggest the former although I’m open to any sorta conspiracy if it gets the click-o-meter spinning.

You?