American patriots vow to silence Brazilian surf fans as San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto seeks unlikely world title victory over one-foot-and-under king Filipe Toledo!

“Don’t let the invading hordes be heard”

Finals Day, the one-day shootout for the men’s and women’s world titles, has taken a jingoistic turn following a post from the one-time CT surfer Kolohe Andino. 

Andino, whose phenomenal skill wasn’t allowed room to breathe on the world tour which led to his premature departure, posted a screed from Griffin’s shaper Matt Biolos, a literal call to arms from the Commie-hating, part Jewish millionaire. 

Along with a party where t-shirts emblazoned with “Here’s Griffin” will be sold, Andino hopes to  harness the power of American patriotism to give his BFF Griffin Colapinto a home-court advantage over his four opponents.

Yeah, Toledo lives in San Clemente, but Griff is home-grown, as much a part of San Clemente as Bear Jew Biolos and the juvenile Great Whites that prowl the lineups. 

And, while Ethan Ewing, Joao Chianca and Jack Robinson will also feature in the one-day showdown that’ll run on the best day between September eight and sixteen, Griff and Pip are the clear favs.

In a clipped staccato meter reminiscent of Hemingway after the plane crash that turned his formidable brain to weeds and channelling Jean Raspail, Biolos writes: “Are you a surfer? Living in San Clemente? Living in Southern CA? A fervent, lord even casual, follower of surfing competitions? Do you have a sense of support for your local or greater community? Do your duty in Sept, when it’s called on and the WSL Finals run,. Run from work, school and otherwise worldly responsibility to support a native son, as he defends his local turf, his local surf, against the world’s best. Get behind him. Stand in front, knee deep in cobblestones, cheering and let him know you’re here. In front. Right behind him. Don’t let the invading hordes be heard. Silence them with our local pride. With our local passion. Griffin Colapinto, of San San Clemente. Son of a school teacher. Will take on the World and battle for a World Surfing Title. At his home break. In September. The waves call the day. It’s so important to be there. Up front. Right behind him. Cheering. Cheering for Griffin. Cheering for your community. Everyone.” 

The support of surf-mad San Clemente is assured, I think, although what is less clear is how God will place his chips given Griffin’s recent swing to an ego-transcending spiritual practice from India and his new-found role as the Ghandi of Surfing. You’ll remember Kolohe Andino a believer in the Christian doctrine, issued a grave three-world theological warning to his pal writing, “No false idols.” 

Toledo, meanwhile, takes Christian dogma very seriously.

Time will tell etc.

 

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A post shared by Kolohe Andino (@koloheandino24)

 


Southern California surfer (insert) tracking storm. Photo: Fox
Southern California surfer (insert) tracking storm. Photo: Fox

Southern California surfers offer to send advisors, experts to America’s East Coast as Hurricane Franklin barrels toward Florida

Thoughts, prayers and guidance.

East coast surfers woke this morning extremely concerned as the Atlantic tropical storm Franklin had strengthened into a category one hurricane and began barreling toward-ish Florida. It is expected to strengthen further as it passes Bermuda, into a category three, before moving out to sea and fading away.

“This is not going to be a landfall for us,” Fox meteorologist Britta Merwin declared. “We have a series of troughs coming off the East Coast and that’s going to be our protector. You don’t have to worry about this making landfall on the East Coast, but we could see some rough surf conditions.”

Those rough surf conditions causing worry up and down the east coast.

What should surfers do?

How can they handle?

Southern California’s surfers, all the way across the country, are nodding, bravely, sympathetically but also offering to lend advice and expertise.

Last week, you certainly recall, Hurricane Hilary slammed into northern Baja then dragged up toward Compton, leaving terror in its wake. Puffs of wind and sprinkling rain plagued the region as school was cancelled in Los Angeles and San Diego, Catalina was ordered evacuated and dinner parties postponed.

While certainly unnerving, the response to the weather event of the century was remarkable.

Some tips:

-If Hurricane Franklin makes rain, drive 40 mph in the fast lane with hazard lights blinking.

-If a green waste bin gets blown over or a bush bow lightly bends, wait until days later to address.

-Horde early and often.

-Definitely don’t surf as these things are unpredictable.

-Don’t even look at the ocean.

-If you look at the ocean don’t expect help as you will be straining the system.

-Panic.

We are here for you, in any case, East Coast. A phone call away.

Thoughts, prayers and guidance.


Logan (left) sucking the life out of world number five Jack Robinson. Photo: Instagram

Ghost of Erik Logan dances lecherous jig as head Surfline forecaster predicts overhead waves for World Surf League Finals Day

Filipe Toledo, meanwhile, sings a dirge.

Former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan gave us many things before his untimely demise. Mostly they were laughs at him, with a hefty amount of wincing at him thrown in for good measure, but he also delivered a mid-season cut and finals day there on the cobbled stone of Lower Trestles.

The cut, I think, a necessary evil that should be increased and maybe applied twice per season.

Finals day silly in its current iteration, and at Lowers, but some version of a one-day shootout is not bad and maybe even good.

In any case, this year’s tour ender, set to run sometime between September 6 and 18, will not be like every other 2023 stop. Those were each ravaged by climate change, no waves during the waiting period thanks to big oil. Plenty of waves before and after thanks to World Surf League bush planting. Lowers, though, seems to back bucked the trend.

Kevin Wallis, chief forecaster at official wave prognosticator Surfline, took to Instagram days ago to declare:

Looking ahead to the WSL Finals at Lowers, there are decent odds for medium-size swell around the 8th-11th. This doesn’t look like a monster, but could be in the real sweet spot for Lowers on swell direction, period and size. Resulting surf could be in the head high to overhead range.

We’re still more than a week from the South Pacific storm forming, but there is good general agreement on the pattern developing across the various models (GFS and Euro), ensembles, etc. We’ll see how things play out in the next few days – and quality of surf will obviously be dependent on local wind and if/how much local NW windswell might get into the mix – but a promising sign roughly two weeks from the start of the event window.

While good news for surf fans, what do you imagine the feeling is in Filipe Toledo’s camp? The world number one, who will surf last and get another chance to redeem himself in case he loses, is a small wave maestro but his knees go weak in the bigger stuff. Do you think a little PTSD might kick in? Him, swinging, paddling, seeing those aforementioned cobbled stones and getting flash backs to Teahupo’o?

Yikes!

Stay tuned.


"Wong made comments questioning the competitive prowess of cisgender women in professional surfing, suggesting that they were inadequate in comparison to a trans woman."

Hawaii’s Queen of Pipe Moana Jones Wong latest high-profile surfer to be slammed for transphobic comments in new fusillade by Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing

Wong joins Bethany Hamilton, Jesse Miley-Dyer, Keala Kennelly and Circe Wallace on Surf Equity's “Racist Anti-Trans Wall of Shame.”

After a wildly dominant performance against the best surfers in the world at Pipe two years back, Hawaiian Moana Jones Wong was the toast of surfing.

The baseball-bat swinging, send-the-king-of-the-Hui to jail hell-raiser Ian “Kanga” Cairns said, “She has singlehandedly put the WSL Women’s CT on her back and she’ll make Margaret River, Grajagan, Teahupoo and even Super Tubos electric.”

Now, the twenty four year old whose skills at Pipe tower over even the men’s world champion, has been slammed for wrong-think by Surf Equity, a “non-profit, which accepts all races, cultures, sexual orientations, gender identities, national origins, abilities, socioeconomic backgrounds, gender expressions, countries of origin, ethnicities, religions and genders”.

Surf Equity were made very sad after Water People, the podcast from off-the-grid living liberals Dave Rastovich and Lauren Hill featured an interview with Wong.

A little irony here. Hill made noise last year when she claimed The Surfer’s Journal “blatantly excludes female surfers, writers and photographers from the pages of TSJ”

(JP Currie wrote about that episode here.)

“What was the rationale behind Water People’s decision to feature a conversation with a prominent surfer, Moana Jones Wong, who was been associated with controversial statements?” Surf Equity posted.

“In 2023, Wong aligned herself with Bethany Hamilton in expressing views that were perceived as anti-trans and targeted towards LGBTQIA+ surfers. Additionally, Wong made comments questioning the competitive prowess of cisgender women in professional surfing, suggesting that they were inadequate in comparison to a trans woman. These incidents contribute to the rise of anti-trans sentiments within the pro surfing community, involving numerous athletes.”

You’ll remember when Surf Equity marched on Circe Wallace, wife of Chas Smith, a couple of months back, shortly after attacks on Bethany Hamilton, Keala Kennelly and Jesse Miley-Dyer.

As Smith reported,

“The openly left (too left, if you ask her husband) and ultra socially progressive Wallace, and one of the only female agents in extreme sports, was subjected to a most vicious smear with Surf Equity publishing, ‘Talent agent and former competitive snowboarder Circe Wallace is married to Chas Smith. Sadly, she pulls the strings on Chas’ misogynistic and anti-LGBTQIA+ rants.’

“Surf Equity added the equally triggering and libelous, ‘Chas Smith and Circe Wallace write and publish misogynist trash about the surf industry on their website BeachGrit,’ though Wallace has never written nor published a word and, much to her chagrin, is not included in the business documents of the biggest surf blog on earth.

“Rielly, left entirely out, tears certainly streaming down weathered cheeks, has not been reached for comment.”

Are you:

Pro-Wong or pro-Surf Equity in this latest stoush?

And, the eternal question:

Jock pussy or She Dick?

I lean towards the latter, as you know, but am open to strange fruit.


The way things should be. Photo: Mad Men
The way things should be. Photo: Mad Men

Hostilities explode into open as shrimp and pork announced as new “surf and turf” over longtime favorite lobster and steak

Pure sacrilege.

We surfers share our moniker with various others in the cultural sphere: The internet (surfing the web), television (channel surfing) and concert goers (crowd surfing), for example, but the longtime favorite has been dinner (surf and turf). Lobster and steak, on the same plate, has been a staple rich flex for generations. Each expensive on their own, the combination let other patrons of fine establishments know the orderer of the surf and turf menu item likely also drove a Rolls-Royce and lived in a stately manor.

Very Grey Poupon.

Alas, in a shock turn few saw coming, shrimp and pork is said to have taken the mantle as “peak surf and turf.”

Per foodie website TastingTable:

The allure of pork and shrimp in surf and turf lies in their ability to bridge culinary traditions, crafting memorable experiences that defy convention. In a world of endless gastronomic possibilities, this pairing of land and sea reminds us to reimagine the flavors gracing our plates and not simply accept convention.

Are there pork steaks? Sure, but we generally call them chops. If you’ve noticed how pork chops and ribeyes look somewhat similar, keen eye; they are somewhat analogous, anatomically speaking. Filet mignon, cut from the beef tenderloin, isn’t that different from a pork tenderloin filet.

As far as the shrimp is concerned, you can go with classic steakhouse flavors. Sautéing the shrimp with loads of garlic, butter, lemon, and chopped fresh herbs would make for a delightful pork pairing. You can also throw out the rulebook and follow your own tastes.

Sacrilege.

Pure sacrilege.

But where does this slippery slope lead? Chicken and clams? Turkey and tilapia?

Please write letters to your favorite local fancy restaurants declaring, as a surfer, you prefer lobster and steak.

I’m writing to Chart House now.

Shrimp and pork.

My goodness.