Big sad.

The saga of Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, publishing two tranches of private text messages in order to shame the beloved actor took a wild turn, hours ago, when the Committee for Equality in Women’s Surfing, or “Surf Equity,” swung into the mix in an attempt to tar the noted feminist, ally and extreme sport agent Circe Wallace while, at the same time, marginalizing and othering BeachGrit co-founder Derek Rielly.

The non-profit which claims to accept all races, cultures, sexual orientations, gender identities, national origins, abilities, socioeconomic backgrounds, gender expressions, countries of origin, ethnicities, religions and genders generally lowers its cannons and fires fusillades into the ranks of gay women and women with disabilities.

Gay big wave icon Keala Kennelly has been personally targeted as well as Bethany Hamilton, who was recently placed on the group’s “Racist Anti-Trans Wall of Shame.”

The openly left (too left, if you ask her husband) and ultra socially progressive Wallace, and one of the only female agents in extreme sports, was subjected to a most vicious smear with Surf Equity publishing, “Talent agent and former competitive snowboarder Circe Wallace is married to Chas Smith. Sadly, she pulls the stings on Chas’ misogynistic and anti-LGBTQIA+ rants.”

A picture of David Lee Scales smoking a cigarette and drinking what appears to be a Belgian beer accompanied the missive. Smith can be heard saying a vaguely positive thing about children’s author J.K. Rowling in the background.

Continuing, Surf Equity added the equally triggering and libelous, “Chas Smith and Circe Wallace write and publish misogynist trash about the surf industry on their website BeachGrit,” though Wallace has never written nor published a word and, much to her chagrin, is not included in the business documents of the biggest surf blog on earth.

Rielly, left entirely out, tears certainly streaming down weathered cheeks, has not been reached for comment.

Not finished, Surf Equity followers were asked to vote on if the lifelong Democrat and advocate was a Trump campaign contributor, a Mom’s For Liberty member or a TERF…

… before the coup de grace was delivered. A photograph of Smith and Wallace on the way to an already offensive ballet performance. Wallace further stained with the aforementioned shark attack survivor and world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater.

Big sad.

Victors, spoils etc.

Recently erected street signs directing travelers to Malibu’s gorgeous Lechuza Beach have been cut down by the city. Apparently, a little game of hide and seek for outsiders.

Malibu says welcome, you inland huddled masses, to our shores. Explore the riches of our front yards. Come and splash in deep blue forests of azure alongside our humble residents. Surf with superstar Jonah Hill or wax with reformed antisemite Kanye West.

We are one.

It’s an open invite, sans directions.

Malibu says the signs posed a threat to public safety. The Mountains Recreation and Conservation Authority—which controls Lechuza Beach—thinks otherwise.

On Monday evening, representatives from the MRCA decried the sign sacking during Monday evening’s Malibu City Council meeting.

“With the summer heat ramping up, we wanted to provide this public service, but the city chose to cut them down and confiscate them,” stated the MCRA.

“It can be very difficult to find this public access down to this hidden beach…This is why the MRCA had these public coastal signs installed on three public access ways along this road.”

The MRCA says not very inclusive, Malibu!

In a formal rebuttal issued this morning, the benevolent City Council suggested the MRCA get bent:

“On June 26, 2023, the City of Malibu removed beach access signs that were installed at three locations along Broad Beach Rd, a city-owned street, near Lechuza Beach. These signs require a City permit to be issued to the Mountains Recreation and Conservation Authority (MRCA). The City continually supports public access to beaches in Malibu, which is protected under state law for the entire coast of California. Beach access signs are important to visitors, public safety agencies, and nearby homeowners to ensure that beachgoers stay on safe, maintained beach access paths.”

“A City Encroachment permit is needed to ensure that signs are placed in a safe location using standardized equipment. The signs installed by MRCA did not have signposts designed to break away for safety when struck by a vehicle, which is required under California and federal law. They had solid 6” steel posts. The signs were removed because they were not permitted and did not conform to safety standards.”

The safety first angle is appealing. Let’s see how fast Malibu plants new signs pointing the way to their sand. In the meantime, it’s likely to be received as a bananas-in-the-ears, atonal response to shifting socio-political winds.

California’s all-powerful Coastal Commission “plans and regulates the use of land and water” along the coast, with local communities and other relevant agencies, including the MRCA.

Over the past few years, the Commission has sharpened its focus, exerting greater control of who stands on the sand and swims in the sea through prodigious grant-funded initiatives.

“Since the very beginning, we’ve been looking at providing educational and experiential learning and stewardship opportunities to pretty much the whole population of California,” said Chris Parry, the commission’s public education program manager. “But we recognize there is this lack of equity and historical exclusion to various communities for access to the coast.”

Funding includes tossing twenty grand to Paddle for Peace to hold ten events, for BIPOC to learn to surf and one of the many queer surf clubs.

Taking a hard-eyed look at what the Coastal Commission is platforming, Malibu’s hold on things looks tentative.

“Certain communities and populations have been excluded for so long, it’s absolutely essential we make extra effort to make up for that,” said Sarah Christie, the Commission’s legislative director. “I think equity demands a greater focus to ensure those communities are fully supported to have the access they’ve deserved all along.”

You think the cut signs are a simple misunderstanding, a true act of public safety? or is it a helping of Social Darwinism spooned out from Malibu’s finest, necklaced with pride?

"I was hoping it would get around the surf community and surf industry and I hoped somehow, maybe his fiancé would see one of the worst screenshots and feel validated."

The noble and ancient profession of surf instruction suffered heavy damage, overnight, when beloved actor/director Jonah Hill’s vindictive ex-girlfriend, and onetime surf instructor, Sarah Brady decided to double down on her public airing of dirty laundry under the name of “taking the power of her own story back” and “healing by relating to women that have had similar experiences.”

The second massive tranche of text messages released on her Instagram account features barely concealed rage at Hill for moving on six months after their relationship ended with a fashion maven though possibly sending mixed signals at some point during that process.

Gaslighting, DARVO, boundaries, manipulation and trust all make appearances.

Brady, who has moved to Honolulu, slips into pidgin from time to time.

Surf instructors, already dealing with millions of people sent their way by the universally adored congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will now have to convince their students that they won’t hold on to potentially embarrassing personal information for over a year then splash it out for the world to see.

Like, sharing about those who have unfortunate poo stances, pinch their nose when dismounting the surfboard, burp after swallowing saltwater, put wetsuits on backwards, mix up a shaka with the “I love you” sign, etc.

Extremely unchill.

Brady declared to a friend, “Honestly, originally in sharing all this publicly, I was hoping it would get around the surf community and surf industry and I hoped somehow, maybe his fiancé would see one of the worst screenshots and feel validated.”

Surf students in relationships currently freaking out.