Haves (left) and have nots. Photo: Princes of Malibu
Haves (left) and have nots. Photo: Princes of Malibu

Socially progressive surf paradise Malibu thumbs sculpted nose at visiting inland rabble, rips down signs pointing the way to beach!

Victors, spoils etc.

Recently erected street signs directing travelers to Malibu’s gorgeous Lechuza Beach have been cut down by the city. Apparently, a little game of hide and seek for outsiders.

Malibu says welcome, you inland huddled masses, to our shores. Explore the riches of our front yards. Come and splash in deep blue forests of azure alongside our humble residents. Surf with superstar Jonah Hill or wax with reformed antisemite Kanye West.

We are one.

It’s an open invite, sans directions.

Malibu says the signs posed a threat to public safety. The Mountains Recreation and Conservation Authority—which controls Lechuza Beach—thinks otherwise.

On Monday evening, representatives from the MRCA decried the sign sacking during Monday evening’s Malibu City Council meeting.

“With the summer heat ramping up, we wanted to provide this public service, but the city chose to cut them down and confiscate them,” stated the MCRA.

“It can be very difficult to find this public access down to this hidden beach…This is why the MRCA had these public coastal signs installed on three public access ways along this road.”

The MRCA says not very inclusive, Malibu!

In a formal rebuttal issued this morning, the benevolent City Council suggested the MRCA get bent:

“On June 26, 2023, the City of Malibu removed beach access signs that were installed at three locations along Broad Beach Rd, a city-owned street, near Lechuza Beach. These signs require a City permit to be issued to the Mountains Recreation and Conservation Authority (MRCA). The City continually supports public access to beaches in Malibu, which is protected under state law for the entire coast of California. Beach access signs are important to visitors, public safety agencies, and nearby homeowners to ensure that beachgoers stay on safe, maintained beach access paths.”

“A City Encroachment permit is needed to ensure that signs are placed in a safe location using standardized equipment. The signs installed by MRCA did not have signposts designed to break away for safety when struck by a vehicle, which is required under California and federal law. They had solid 6” steel posts. The signs were removed because they were not permitted and did not conform to safety standards.”

The safety first angle is appealing. Let’s see how fast Malibu plants new signs pointing the way to their sand. In the meantime, it’s likely to be received as a bananas-in-the-ears, atonal response to shifting socio-political winds.

California’s all-powerful Coastal Commission “plans and regulates the use of land and water” along the coast, with local communities and other relevant agencies, including the MRCA.

Over the past few years, the Commission has sharpened its focus, exerting greater control of who stands on the sand and swims in the sea through prodigious grant-funded initiatives.

“Since the very beginning, we’ve been looking at providing educational and experiential learning and stewardship opportunities to pretty much the whole population of California,” said Chris Parry, the commission’s public education program manager. “But we recognize there is this lack of equity and historical exclusion to various communities for access to the coast.”

Funding includes tossing twenty grand to Paddle for Peace to hold ten events, for BIPOC to learn to surf and one of the many queer surf clubs.

Taking a hard-eyed look at what the Coastal Commission is platforming, Malibu’s hold on things looks tentative.

“Certain communities and populations have been excluded for so long, it’s absolutely essential we make extra effort to make up for that,” said Sarah Christie, the Commission’s legislative director. “I think equity demands a greater focus to ensure those communities are fully supported to have the access they’ve deserved all along.”

You think the cut signs are a simple misunderstanding, a true act of public safety? or is it a helping of Social Darwinism spooned out from Malibu’s finest, necklaced with pride?

Surfer Gwyneth Paltrow compared to crocodile handbag after inadvertently revealing “horrific” sun-damaged skin!

"Wow you aged pretty badly. Use sunscreen."

It ain’t news that a human’s skin don’t respond real well if you put it under the hammer of the sun’s rayons over the course of a few decades.

And the most vulnerable are the fair of skin and hair. Revisit the cute blond beach bunny twenty years hence and that flawless brown epidermis is now a patch-work of dry scaly patches rendered a horror show by the long-term effects of solar keratoses.

Your old pal, DR, who prefers the occasional surgery to sunscreen was once compared to a crocodile handbag by the wife of a prime minister, although I missed the point of the comparison and figured it was because I was an object of rare beauty that only the most elite could afford. (Hubris!)

Now, Gwyneth Paltrow, mommy blogger, surfer, Nepo Baby, and vendor of candles that smell like the very same pussy where Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Chris Martin deposited their rancid genetic code, has inadvertently revealed her own croc-bag skin in a post to her eight million followers.

The photograph shows Paltrow and boyfriend Brad Falchuk blissful beneath a Provencal sun, with additional photos including an old villa and a gorgeous swimming pool.

Paltrow, who is fifty, doesn’t hide her skin behind filters and the damage, if you look hard enough, is clear.

But what price a good life, no?

It sure did infuriate some fans unaccustomed to seeing flaws in their idols.

Look at all the sun damage on your skin. What goop product will fix that.

Wow you aged pretty badly. Use sunscreen

Your sun damage is HORRIFIC

Your skin looks severely Sun damaged! Not a good look or advertisement for your products!

Also, she was/is a smoker. At one point, 2 packs a day. That’s sun damage and smoker’s skin. That’s not just normal aging for a 50 year old.

It doesn’t add up to me. The poster queen for a health and wellness empire having skin that badly sun damaged.

You’ll remember, or maybe not, last year when Paltrow “approached cancellation for providing inappropriate sunscreen advice.”

“Dermatologists were horrified, calling for a severe retraction,” wrote Chas Smith.

Barry D. Goldman, M.D., a clinical instructor at Cornell NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital said, “I do think it’s a bad message. 80-90% of all skin cancers are on the face and neck. I’ve seen many tumors on the eyelids or around the eyes, the forehead. Basically, the whole face should be covered… We think of the whole face as a high-risk area for skin cancer.”

Fans were outraged, calling for an execution.

Some lady on Twitter wrote, “Gwyenth Paltrow really made a video telling people to apply SPF like a highlighter to your face… That’s literally not how it works. It goes on the entire face, neck, & the back of hands.”

(Editor’s note: This story is an attempt to hit the lucrative clickbait market and is, therefore, not aimed at regular habitués of this site and we ask, therefore, that you refrain from cruel and triggering messaging below the line.)



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RFK Jr concedes to triple world champ Tudor.

“Supernaturally graceful” world surfing champ schools presidential hopeful RFK in wild online exchange over “racist” food!

“Ridiculous that you are acting like this is a one-sided problem…..it’s a nation wide problem that attacks the non wealthy!

The three-time world surfing champion and black-belt grappler Joel Tudor, described by Matt Warshaw as “supernaturally graceful”, has taken down presidential hopeful Robert F Kennedy Jr in a wild online exchange over “racist” food.

Kennedy, the jacked-to-hell sixty-nine-year-old former junkie son of murdered attorney general Bobby Kennedy and nephew of murdered president John Fitz Kennedy, has been eating up the news as he chases the Democratic presidential nomination, although his vaccines-cause-autism rhetoric has given him more play on the right than the left.

Now, following an online post by RFK where he visits a black-run organic farm and claims “Urban African-American communities have become food deserts where you cannot find healthy food”, or redlining and racism is hoarding all the good food for da whites, Tudor has come out swinging.

“Awwwww it ain’t just black people who eat like this …it’s all of poor america! Ridiculous that you are acting like this is a one sided problem…..it’s a nation wide problem that attacks the non wealthy! Take a trip to any trailer park in America and you’ll find this scenario has no color!”

Tudor, who is forty-seven, found support even among RFK’s followers.

“it’s not a racial problem it’s an American problem.”

“Maybe call it proper instead of making it a black issue. It is an American issue. Every grocery store across the country has this issue.”

“Color color color… complete nonsense, every single demographic in the US has this issue. Even upper-class families eat garbage because it is damn near impossible to find farms like @whiteoakpastures.”

“I’ve made this point about a dozen times in this thread already. Bulk chicken is leaps and bounds healthier than eating McDonalds, doritos and mt dew every day. I’m not suggesting that a poor family can afford small farm organic meats regularly. I’m saying that if they just used the money they spend on junk food on bulk cheap options like rice, beans, chicken, pork, etc, they would be way healthier than eating KFC.”

“I second this motion. Come down to North Carolina and I’ll show you the same thing @robertfkennedyjr Its not a race thing. It’s just a system to keep poor people poor and more importantly sick. The drug company Bayer owns the seeds and fertilizers and bug killers that go into the crops which is designed to yet again get people sick so we can then go to their hospitals and pay for their drugs. It an evil circle that we won’t get out of until all the Lobbying stops and all the Politicians aren’t bought. Maybe if the politicians weren’t making millions from insider trading, they’d have time to actually fight for America.”

And RFK, who enjoys being everything to everyone, quickly conceded Tudor’s stunning coup de grace, although, you’ll notice, he conspicuously capitalises Native American and Latino while giving whites the short shrift I suppose the bleached devils deserve.

“You are right, the lack of access to healthy food is a widespread problem. Six percent of Americans live in a food desert today, including one in five black households…good apartheid exists all over this nation, from Native American Reservations, to white and Latino communities.”

Question: is the choice really that binary, McDonalds and Mountain Dew vs wildly expensive organic food, or can the average citizen subsist, happily and healthily on industrially farmed fruit, meat and vegetables thus nullifying the racism angle?

Sarah Brady (insert) haunting surf instructors. Photo: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Surf instructors around the world recoil in horror as Jonah Hill’s vindictive ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady tarnishes once noble profession!

"I was hoping it would get around the surf community and surf industry and I hoped somehow, maybe his fiancé would see one of the worst screenshots and feel validated."

The noble and ancient profession of surf instruction suffered heavy damage, overnight, when beloved actor/director Jonah Hill’s vindictive ex-girlfriend, and onetime surf instructor, Sarah Brady decided to double down on her public airing of dirty laundry under the name of “taking the power of her own story back” and “healing by relating to women that have had similar experiences.”

The second massive tranche of text messages released on her Instagram account features barely concealed rage at Hill for moving on six months after their relationship ended with a fashion maven though possibly sending mixed signals at some point during that process.

Gaslighting, DARVO, boundaries, manipulation and trust all make appearances.

Brady, who has moved to Honolulu, slips into pidgin from time to time.

Surf instructors, already dealing with millions of people sent their way by the universally adored congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will now have to convince their students that they won’t hold on to potentially embarrassing personal information for over a year then splash it out for the world to see.

Like, sharing about those who have unfortunate poo stances, pinch their nose when dismounting the surfboard, burp after swallowing saltwater, put wetsuits on backwards, mix up a shaka with the “I love you” sign, etc.

Extremely unchill.

Brady declared to a friend, “Honestly, originally in sharing all this publicly, I was hoping it would get around the surf community and surf industry and I hoped somehow, maybe his fiancé would see one of the worst screenshots and feel validated.”

Surf students in relationships currently freaking out.

Surfers in New York (pictured) made sad by AOC.

Local New York surfers shriek, wonder what evil they committed to deserve such punishment as universally adored congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez encourages nine million residents to take up “Sport of Queens!”

Karma is my boyfriend.

It is summer in the northern hemisphere, that time of year when the ocean water warms, the sun shines and more people than should consider giving our surfing a go. Those amongst us who live in California, Florida, Hossegor are used to soft-topped hordes invading from June through August and generally know how to steer clear. Those living in New York have been spared the indignity mostly because it is such a pain to travel in The City with a surfboard.

The locals who are lucky enough to live on the strand have been able to enjoy that warm water, occasional pulses of swell, sauerkraut festooned hot dogs all by themselves.

Or, at least until just hours ago for, just hours ago, the universally adored congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, or AOC, took to social media to declare, “Just took a surfing lesson on Rockaway Beach in Queens. It was great. If you’re looking for something new to try, I recommend it! You can take the A train straight there.”

Nine-ish million residents from all five boroughs are now, certainly, rushing to the A train ready to taste the sweet life. Locals shrieking, sobbing, wondering what evil they committed to deserve such punishment. Were they not grateful enough for their quiet paradise?

Too cocky?

Speaking of, did I ever tell you about the time I stole a pair of trunks from Balaram Stack’s dresser? I was in New York on assignment for Surfing magazine with the wonderful then-editor Taylor Paul. We were staying in The City but made it out to Long Beach because we heard, or rather he heard, that there was a little swell in the water. I hadn’t packed any trunks but Paul told me not to worry. We went to the Stack house and nobody was home. The door was unlocked so we went upstairs into Balaram’s bedroom. I fished around and found a pair of blue trunks with a red drawstring (pictured above) that were New York Giants branded. They were a little baggy for my taste but stealers can’t be choosers and so I wore them.

The End.