Karma is my boyfriend.

It is summer in the northern hemisphere, that time of year when the ocean water warms, the sun shines and more people than should consider giving our surfing a go. Those amongst us who live in California, Florida, Hossegor are used to soft-topped hordes invading from June through August and generally know how to steer clear. Those living in New York have been spared the indignity mostly because it is such a pain to travel in The City with a surfboard.

The locals who are lucky enough to live on the strand have been able to enjoy that warm water, occasional pulses of swell, sauerkraut festooned hot dogs all by themselves.

Or, at least until just hours ago for, just hours ago, the universally adored congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, or AOC, took to social media to declare, “Just took a surfing lesson on Rockaway Beach in Queens. It was great. If you’re looking for something new to try, I recommend it! You can take the A train straight there.”

Nine-ish million residents from all five boroughs are now, certainly, rushing to the A train ready to taste the sweet life. Locals shrieking, sobbing, wondering what evil they committed to deserve such punishment. Were they not grateful enough for their quiet paradise?

Too cocky?

Speaking of, did I ever tell you about the time I stole a pair of trunks from Balaram Stack’s dresser? I was in New York on assignment for Surfing magazine with the wonderful then-editor Taylor Paul. We were staying in The City but made it out to Long Beach because we heard, or rather he heard, that there was a little swell in the water. I hadn’t packed any trunks but Paul told me not to worry. We went to the Stack house and nobody was home. The door was unlocked so we went upstairs into Balaram’s bedroom. I fished around and found a pair of blue trunks with a red drawstring (pictured above) that were New York Giants branded. They were a little baggy for my taste but stealers can’t be choosers and so I wore them.

The End.

What's a Brazil?

Stab magazine, the premium surf publication you have known and loved for decades, is wonderful at many things but mostly wonderful at its lack of self-awareness. Writers penning passive-aggressive diatribes in the royal “we,” a modern ethos somehow centered around “if-you-ignore-it-it-goes-away,” large social media numbers with minimal behind-the-paywall engagement and, best of all, being a “voice of the youth.”

Except.

There is no youth in surfing anymore, premium or otherwise but probably especially premium as recently revealed by the august researcher Craig Sims.

That did not stop the today Oceanside, tomorrow Cocoa Beach-based surf blog from, un-ironically, posting its list of “your favorite male surfers” just hours ago.

Who are they?

You must subscribe (here) but, as a little amuse-bouche, Dane Reynolds, Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning all make the top ten.

Brazilians make an appearance at twenty.

Taj Burrow beats Italo Ferreira by a large margin.

Do you like them apples?

Oh you would.

“There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

It is written that a prophet has no honor in his own country and the unfortunate adage was, once again, proved true in Cocoa Beach, Florida. For the small town of 11,000, just east of Orlando has broken out in bitter partisan fighting over a statue honoring famous first son Robert Kelly Slater.

Per the Space Coast tourist board website:

Sculpted by Cocoa Beach artist Tasha Drazich and located at the north end of Downtown Cocoa Beach, where A1A splits, the Kelly Slater statue honors Florida’s Space Coast hometown hero. Kelly Slater grew up in Cocoa Beach and learned to surf all along the Space Coast. He has won eleven world titles and is a point of pride in the Space Coast community. Stop by and grab a selfie with the statue any time of the day or night.

Which is the problem. Too many are stopping by to grab that selfie with no safe crosswalks etc. to reach it.

During a recent-ish city commission meeting, former employee Melissa Byron stood up and declared, “The Kelly Slater statue where it is right now is dangerous. It’s plain dangerous.”

Mayor Ben Malik, stunning city commission meeting fans, agreed and said, “I don’t think they anticipated as many people wanting to take a picture. People jaywalking, scampering across the four-lane highway to get to the statue.”

He suggested that moving the sculpture to a “safer location” would reduce its menace to society and discussed building a park next to the new city hall where it could be worshiped properly.

Slater’s less/not famous brother Sean vehemently disagrees, though. “I love the statue where it is,” he raged. “I think it belongs where it is.”

Sean noted that there have been no recorded instances of someone dying while trying to venerate the 11x World Champion. “How many instances of danger have we had? Zero,” he said. “There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

The “line of people” doing “it” left unclassified.

Mayor Malik told Sean to shove his opinion where the sun don’t shine, in so many words, stating, “We know we want to be respectful of the family and the artist and see what their thoughts are, but seemed most of the commission was onboard with relocating it.”

Will you pay your respects at the new site?

I made pilgrimage some decade ago but is it like Mecca where once in a lifetime is good enough or does Kelly Slater demand more?

Next year in Cocoa Beach?

RIP, meaning. You had a good run.

Meaning, as it relates to the written language, took a fatal blow, overnight, after international media pounced upon the story of Malibu icon Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady publishing private text messages and castigating the beloved actor/director as a “misogynist” and a “narcissist.” Long on the ropes due octogenarian politicians and various chief purpose and people officers, meaning was hoping for a summer comeback as people from various sides of the cultural spectrum came together, watched the Barbie movie and agreed upon it being top notch.

Alas, Brady’s unforeseen attack has left it all but dead, the last straw the aforementioned global press describing her as a “professional surfer.”

Per India’s favorite digital destination for the most wide-ranging entertainment and lifestyle content Pinkvilla:

Learn about Jonah Hill’s ex Sarah Brady, who is a 25-year-old professional surfer, law student, photographer, and activist.

Sarah Brady is a remarkable individual who has established herself as a force to be reckoned with in various domains. From professional surfing to pursuing a law degree, she has showcased her talents and dedication. Additionally, her passion for activism and photography further adds to her diverse skill set. Let’s delve into the life and achievements of Sarah Brady.

Professional surfing and sponsorship

As a professional surfer, Sarah Brady has been making waves since 2017. She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands, including The Sea for swimwear and Tyler Warren Surfboards. Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment to the sport, Brady has gained recognition in the surfing community.

She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands?

Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment she has gained recognition in the surfing community?

Brady seems to be ok on a longboard, though I’d imagine if she ever came up against surf feminist hero Lucy Small she’d be dispatched forthwith.

I wonder what her take on this whole unfortunate business is, now that I think about it.

In any case, RIP, meaning. You had a good run.