Premium surf blog cements surfing’s reputation as being impossibly white, straight and past its prime with un-ironic “favorite male surfers” poll results!

What's a Brazil?

Stab magazine, the premium surf publication you have known and loved for decades, is wonderful at many things but mostly wonderful at its lack of self-awareness. Writers penning passive-aggressive diatribes in the royal “we,” a modern ethos somehow centered around “if-you-ignore-it-it-goes-away,” large social media numbers with minimal behind-the-paywall engagement and, best of all, being a “voice of the youth.”


There is no youth in surfing anymore, premium or otherwise but probably especially premium as recently revealed by the august researcher Craig Sims.

That did not stop the today Oceanside, tomorrow Cocoa Beach-based surf blog from, un-ironically, posting its list of “your favorite male surfers” just hours ago.

Who are they?

You must subscribe (here) but, as a little amuse-bouche, Dane Reynolds, Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning all make the top ten.

Brazilians make an appearance at twenty.

Taj Burrow beats Italo Ferreira by a large margin.

Do you like them apples?

Oh you would.

Kelly Slater's statue (pictured) not getting Covid. Photo: Bone Broth
Kelly Slater's statue (pictured) not getting Covid. Photo: Bone Broth

Cocoa Beach erupts in bitter civil strife as mayor floats removing famous Kelly Slater statue calling it a “menace to society!”

“There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

It is written that a prophet has no honor in his own country and the unfortunate adage was, once again, proved true in Cocoa Beach, Florida. For the small town of 11,000, just east of Orlando has broken out in bitter partisan fighting over a statue honoring famous first son Robert Kelly Slater.

Per the Space Coast tourist board website:

Sculpted by Cocoa Beach artist Tasha Drazich and located at the north end of Downtown Cocoa Beach, where A1A splits, the Kelly Slater statue honors Florida’s Space Coast hometown hero. Kelly Slater grew up in Cocoa Beach and learned to surf all along the Space Coast. He has won eleven world titles and is a point of pride in the Space Coast community. Stop by and grab a selfie with the statue any time of the day or night.

Which is the problem. Too many are stopping by to grab that selfie with no safe crosswalks etc. to reach it.

During a recent-ish city commission meeting, former employee Melissa Byron stood up and declared, “The Kelly Slater statue where it is right now is dangerous. It’s plain dangerous.”

Mayor Ben Malik, stunning city commission meeting fans, agreed and said, “I don’t think they anticipated as many people wanting to take a picture. People jaywalking, scampering across the four-lane highway to get to the statue.”

He suggested that moving the sculpture to a “safer location” would reduce its menace to society and discussed building a park next to the new city hall where it could be worshiped properly.

Slater’s less/not famous brother Sean vehemently disagrees, though. “I love the statue where it is,” he raged. “I think it belongs where it is.”

Sean noted that there have been no recorded instances of someone dying while trying to venerate the 11x World Champion. “How many instances of danger have we had? Zero,” he said. “There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

The “line of people” doing “it” left unclassified.

Mayor Malik told Sean to shove his opinion where the sun don’t shine, in so many words, stating, “We know we want to be respectful of the family and the artist and see what their thoughts are, but seemed most of the commission was onboard with relocating it.”

Will you pay your respects at the new site?

I made pilgrimage some decade ago but is it like Mecca where once in a lifetime is good enough or does Kelly Slater demand more?

Next year in Cocoa Beach?

Photo: @sarahhbrady
Photo: @sarahhbrady

Wanton hyperbole reaches critical mass as international media dubs Jonah Hill’s vengeful ex Sarah Brady a “professional surfer!”

RIP, meaning. You had a good run.

Meaning, as it relates to the written language, took a fatal blow, overnight, after international media pounced upon the story of Malibu icon Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady publishing private text messages and castigating the beloved actor/director as a “misogynist” and a “narcissist.” Long on the ropes due octogenarian politicians and various chief purpose and people officers, meaning was hoping for a summer comeback as people from various sides of the cultural spectrum came together, watched the Barbie movie and agreed upon it being top notch.

Alas, Brady’s unforeseen attack has left it all but dead, the last straw the aforementioned global press describing her as a “professional surfer.”

Per India’s favorite digital destination for the most wide-ranging entertainment and lifestyle content Pinkvilla:

Learn about Jonah Hill’s ex Sarah Brady, who is a 25-year-old professional surfer, law student, photographer, and activist.

Sarah Brady is a remarkable individual who has established herself as a force to be reckoned with in various domains. From professional surfing to pursuing a law degree, she has showcased her talents and dedication. Additionally, her passion for activism and photography further adds to her diverse skill set. Let’s delve into the life and achievements of Sarah Brady.

Professional surfing and sponsorship

As a professional surfer, Sarah Brady has been making waves since 2017. She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands, including The Sea for swimwear and Tyler Warren Surfboards. Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment to the sport, Brady has gained recognition in the surfing community.

She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands?

Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment she has gained recognition in the surfing community?

Brady seems to be ok on a longboard, though I’d imagine if she ever came up against surf feminist hero Lucy Small she’d be dispatched forthwith.

I wonder what her take on this whole unfortunate business is, now that I think about it.

In any case, RIP, meaning. You had a good run.

Daughter of Mikala Jones pens moving tribute to her father, killed in Mentawai surfing accident

“I wish I could give you one last hug. I wish I could tell you again how much I love you and thank you for being the best dad…”

The surfing world is in shock, understandably, after the premature death of tuberiding maestro Mikala Jones, whose POV images from inside impossibly perfect caverns, have captivated surfers and photo editors for years. 

His daughter Isabella Lokelani Jones paid tribute to her Dad in a moving post on Instagram. 

“I’m in so much disbelief right now, this doesn’t feel real. I love you so much dad and i wish i could give you one last hug. I wish i could tell you again how much i love you and thank you for being the best dad. I wish you were still here with us, you weren’t supposed to leave yet. This is too soon. I know you are in a good place now with nana vi, and your friends. I wish this never happened and we could just wake up and go surf together tomorrow morning. 

“I’m not sure how to put this in words, but my dad got into a bad surfing accident and didn’t make it. Im happy he was doing what he loved the most. Life will never be the same without you. I miss you so much, i would do anything to get one more moment, even if it was us arguing and then laughing our asses off. Thank you for teaching me so many life lessons, and always being there for me. I wish you were still here with us right now. I will always be think about you dad ❤️ i love you so much, thank you for everything ❤️ fly high 🕊️ ur a fucking legend.”

A roll call of surfing luminaries including Mark Healey, Kamalei Alexander, Taylor Steele, Tia Blanco, Griffin Colapinto, Shane Dorian, Laura Enever and Lyndie Irons paid tribute below the line. 

“A truly special and amazing human,” wrote Healey. 

Mikala, who was forty-four, was no stranger to putting himself in danger as he charged waves across the Indonesian archipelago.

In a 2012 interview with Nathan Myers, Mikala recounted his near-death experience at a remote reef. 

“I got sucked over the falls and landed on my board…I may have gotten knocked out for a moment, because the next thing I remember is touching the bottom with my feet. I don’t know…all that happened pretty fast.

“With my feet on the bottom, I got a push straight up. I still hadn’t opened my eyes yet, so when I reached the surface I looked around and everything was just going in circles. I barely got my head up for air and I saw the next ten-footer barreling down on me. I managed to scream ‘help’ and then Boom, the lip landed right on me. Underwater everything was going in circles. I grabbed my leash and started to shimmy myself up. I don’t know how long I was under, but I got up just before the next wave hit. Again, everything was going in circles. I yell out again, ‘Help!’ and then the third wave hits me. This was about a 6-foot double-up, and this was the gnarly one.

“I’m underwater doing summersaults and I can’t figure out which way is up. I try to find my leash and I can’t do it… I’m underwater, looking for my leash, looking for the bottom, but everything I see is just spinning in circles. And by this time, I actually felt the fifth wave pass over me. And at that point, I was like, ‘Are you kidding me. I’m going to drown.’

“And then suddenly I’m out of my body. I’m actually looking down at myself. The surface of the water is only two feet above me, but I couldn’t figure it out.I hear my daughter’s voice, ‘Daddy, come home.  

“And then I came to. I don’t know how, but suddenly I’m out of the water. I went from watching myself drown — literally going ‘glug, glug, glug’ — to suddenly standing on the reef, like angels pulled me out of the water. Next thing I know, the sixth wave hits me and I just bear hug my board. Everything is still spinning and I just go summersaulting along the reef hanging onto my board as tight as I can.

“I was literally seconds away from drowning. After that I just layed on the beach coughing up water, with bubbles coming out of my ear. And the waves were just pumping. I was bummed to miss the rest of the swell, but I guess that’s better than going home in a bodybag.”

Conservative firebrand Candace Owens savages Jonah Hill’s surf instructor ex Sarah Brady following public dump of damning text messages!

“Basic respect for your partner is now being labeled as ‘misogynistic’ from insecure women”

The Malibu-based director and actor Jonah Hill was comprehensively lashed in the public square yesterday when his surf instructor ex Sarah Brady dumped screenshots of what she claimed were private text messages between the pair on her instagram account. 

Brady split from Hill almost two years ago whereupon Hill found love with fashion maven Olivia Millar who is now the mother of his new kid. 

Sharp-eyed paparazzi first photographed Hill and Millar, the co-founder of the online vintage shopping site Chasseresse, in a passionate clutch near Malibu; Hill in scarlet surf trunks pushing his hot hollow against the port thigh of Miller in a green and gold bikini.

Perhaps related to Hill becoming a daddy and finding joy with another gal, Brady lit a very public bonfire with the fusilldade of unflattering texts claiming it was for the benefit of her mental health. Response was mostly on the side of Brady, you go girl, smash the patriarchy and so on, although support for Hill has started to come from the most unlikely source… conservatives. 

Right-wing firebrand Candace Owens, a black author and talk show host who once appeared alongside Kanye West in a White Lives Matter tee and who says she “broke Black Lives Matter” with her documentary The Greatest Lie Ever Sold, has savaged Brady in a series of tweets to her almost four million followers. 

“Women say there are no good men,” writes Owens. “The truth is there are plenty of good men but many women don’t want to rise to the level of being good women. Basic respect for yourself and your partner isn’t a tall ask. Again, there is nothing wrong with Jonah Hill’s leaked text messages.”

Response, as expected from her followers, mostly agreed. 

Nothing wrong with the above.  He was respectful and stated clearly what he wanted to take the relationship to the next level.  We should all strive to be this forthcoming in our relationships.

You can CLEARLY see she crossed boundaries based on his comment. 

My guess:

Her friends hyped her up and told her she could do better, she posted thirst traps, a man messaged her using surfing as bait and something happened.

Him: If your self-worth comes from being half naked, sexualizing yourself, and throwing yourself at men that have no respect for you; I support you. While this brings you happiness it makes me un-happy so I think it’s best we part ways.

Her: You’re misogynistic and a narcissist.

Agreed. This isn’t abuse, it’s defining the parameters of a relationship before two parties become deeply involved. This woman needs to visit a domestic abuse shelter for a wake-up call. Abusers don’t negotiate. They use manipulation and power control tactics to FORCEFULLY make you bend to their will.

Abusers don’t give checklists of behaviors that turn them off and then ask if you’re willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship

I agree. I’m a Latina woman, and although I’m no fan of Hollywood, I don’t see anything wrong with Mr. Hills requests.

She was in a relationship. He wanted her around people who were grounded and not hanging out with “male friends.” He asked for nothing unreasonable.

I don’t know what Jonah Hill is like, but that one text was pretty great. I read it and was like “wow, he actually has standards!”. It’s a green flag in my books.

Revenge is never pretty, of course, mud and blood and cum covers everyone including the supposed brave victim.

Hill, meanwhile, has maintained a dignified silence.