Surfing hall-of-famer Barton Lynch calls for immediate ban on booze ads in surf, “Alcoholism is a disease, alcohol is a poison!”

"I’d like to see the books after the WSL takes out all the alcohol money and see if they can stay sustainable without alcohol."

Without blowing his trumpet immoderately, it can safely be claimed that the 1988 world champion surfer, former anarchist, butterfly collector and pro surfing commentator, Barton Lynch, is a well-matured and rounded individual.

Lynch, who is fifty-nine, was surfing’s most popular broadcaster before being dumped by the WSL for, it’s rumoured, his role in the activist group Voices4Choices, which questioned vaccine mandates and the role of government during the COVID pandemic; he was called paranoid at the time, now he, and Kelly Slater for that matter, is regarded as a visionary. 

No longer bricked in by the WSL’s Stasi-esque Wall of Positive Noise, Lynch now pours his skill and insight into a lightly popular podcast called The Stoked Bloke Show, which he operates with Peter King, the musician, pro surfer and former bandmate of the aforementioned Kelly Slater.

One year ago on the show Lynch listed four reasons why surf culture had gone to hell. 

“We have our spiritual leader selling soft-tops at Costco, the world’s best surfer choosing not to go to Teahupoo and instead go on a sailing trip with his family and friends, we have the number one surfer in the world (Stephanie Gilmore) with less points than two, three, four five and we have WSL turning its back on Pipeline as a finals venue and choosing Lowers.”

An excellent tirade with points difficult to refute.

Now, and in his latest episode, Lynch has called for an immediate ban on booze advertising within the sport labelling alcohol “a poison”. 

“I would not sell alcohol through the WSL,” says Lynch. “I would recognise that what we’re doing is promoting the sport largely to children and they’re coming up through the ranks and those kids need to be guarded from alcohol. Alcoholism is a diseases, alcohol is a poison and to be promoting it through the sport, and that’s what I said to my contact on the phone when he told me times were good and money was good and it was a sustainable biz model that they had created. I said, I’d like to see the books after you take out all the alcohol money and if you can stay sustainable without alcohol. Then I went, what about the energy drinks? How good are they for people? You’re promoting drinks to people that might not be good for people’s health.” 

Where do you stand on the matter? I think if children take up drinking ’cause they saw it on a WSL broadcast, they should be examined for mental wellness.

More importantly, do you think the WSL would survive if the rumoured five thousand dollars per year Corona stipend was removed?

Premium surf blog cements surfing’s reputation as being impossibly white, straight and past its prime with un-ironic “favorite male surfers” poll results!

What's a Brazil?

Stab magazine, the premium surf publication you have known and loved for decades, is wonderful at many things but mostly wonderful at its lack of self-awareness. Writers penning passive-aggressive diatribes in the royal “we,” a modern ethos somehow centered around “if-you-ignore-it-it-goes-away,” large social media numbers with minimal behind-the-paywall engagement and, best of all, being a “voice of the youth.”


There is no youth in surfing anymore, premium or otherwise but probably especially premium as recently revealed by the august researcher Craig Sims.

That did not stop the today Oceanside, tomorrow Cocoa Beach-based surf blog from, un-ironically, posting its list of “your favorite male surfers” just hours ago.

Who are they?

You must subscribe (here) but, as a little amuse-bouche, Dane Reynolds, Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning all make the top ten.

Brazilians make an appearance at twenty.

Taj Burrow beats Italo Ferreira by a large margin.

Do you like them apples?

Oh you would.

Kelly Slater's statue (pictured) not getting Covid. Photo: Bone Broth
Kelly Slater's statue (pictured) not getting Covid. Photo: Bone Broth

Cocoa Beach erupts in bitter civil strife as mayor floats removing famous Kelly Slater statue calling it a “menace to society!”

“There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

It is written that a prophet has no honor in his own country and the unfortunate adage was, once again, proved true in Cocoa Beach, Florida. For the small town of 11,000, just east of Orlando has broken out in bitter partisan fighting over a statue honoring famous first son Robert Kelly Slater.

Per the Space Coast tourist board website:

Sculpted by Cocoa Beach artist Tasha Drazich and located at the north end of Downtown Cocoa Beach, where A1A splits, the Kelly Slater statue honors Florida’s Space Coast hometown hero. Kelly Slater grew up in Cocoa Beach and learned to surf all along the Space Coast. He has won eleven world titles and is a point of pride in the Space Coast community. Stop by and grab a selfie with the statue any time of the day or night.

Which is the problem. Too many are stopping by to grab that selfie with no safe crosswalks etc. to reach it.

During a recent-ish city commission meeting, former employee Melissa Byron stood up and declared, “The Kelly Slater statue where it is right now is dangerous. It’s plain dangerous.”

Mayor Ben Malik, stunning city commission meeting fans, agreed and said, “I don’t think they anticipated as many people wanting to take a picture. People jaywalking, scampering across the four-lane highway to get to the statue.”

He suggested that moving the sculpture to a “safer location” would reduce its menace to society and discussed building a park next to the new city hall where it could be worshiped properly.

Slater’s less/not famous brother Sean vehemently disagrees, though. “I love the statue where it is,” he raged. “I think it belongs where it is.”

Sean noted that there have been no recorded instances of someone dying while trying to venerate the 11x World Champion. “How many instances of danger have we had? Zero,” he said. “There’s not a line of people doing it, you know.”

The “line of people” doing “it” left unclassified.

Mayor Malik told Sean to shove his opinion where the sun don’t shine, in so many words, stating, “We know we want to be respectful of the family and the artist and see what their thoughts are, but seemed most of the commission was onboard with relocating it.”

Will you pay your respects at the new site?

I made pilgrimage some decade ago but is it like Mecca where once in a lifetime is good enough or does Kelly Slater demand more?

Next year in Cocoa Beach?

Photo: @sarahhbrady
Photo: @sarahhbrady

Wanton hyperbole reaches critical mass as international media dubs Jonah Hill’s vengeful ex Sarah Brady a “professional surfer!”

RIP, meaning. You had a good run.

Meaning, as it relates to the written language, took a fatal blow, overnight, after international media pounced upon the story of Malibu icon Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady publishing private text messages and castigating the beloved actor/director as a “misogynist” and a “narcissist.” Long on the ropes due octogenarian politicians and various chief purpose and people officers, meaning was hoping for a summer comeback as people from various sides of the cultural spectrum came together, watched the Barbie movie and agreed upon it being top notch.

Alas, Brady’s unforeseen attack has left it all but dead, the last straw the aforementioned global press describing her as a “professional surfer.”

Per India’s favorite digital destination for the most wide-ranging entertainment and lifestyle content Pinkvilla:

Learn about Jonah Hill’s ex Sarah Brady, who is a 25-year-old professional surfer, law student, photographer, and activist.

Sarah Brady is a remarkable individual who has established herself as a force to be reckoned with in various domains. From professional surfing to pursuing a law degree, she has showcased her talents and dedication. Additionally, her passion for activism and photography further adds to her diverse skill set. Let’s delve into the life and achievements of Sarah Brady.

Professional surfing and sponsorship

As a professional surfer, Sarah Brady has been making waves since 2017. She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands, including The Sea for swimwear and Tyler Warren Surfboards. Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment to the sport, Brady has gained recognition in the surfing community.

She competes in prestigious competitions and is sponsored by esteemed brands?

Through her exceptional skills and unwavering commitment she has gained recognition in the surfing community?

Brady seems to be ok on a longboard, though I’d imagine if she ever came up against surf feminist hero Lucy Small she’d be dispatched forthwith.

I wonder what her take on this whole unfortunate business is, now that I think about it.

In any case, RIP, meaning. You had a good run.

Daughter of Mikala Jones pens moving tribute to her father, killed in Mentawai surfing accident

“I wish I could give you one last hug. I wish I could tell you again how much I love you and thank you for being the best dad…”

The surfing world is in shock, understandably, after the premature death of tuberiding maestro Mikala Jones, whose POV images from inside impossibly perfect caverns, have captivated surfers and photo editors for years. 

His daughter Isabella Lokelani Jones paid tribute to her Dad in a moving post on Instagram. 

“I’m in so much disbelief right now, this doesn’t feel real. I love you so much dad and i wish i could give you one last hug. I wish i could tell you again how much i love you and thank you for being the best dad. I wish you were still here with us, you weren’t supposed to leave yet. This is too soon. I know you are in a good place now with nana vi, and your friends. I wish this never happened and we could just wake up and go surf together tomorrow morning. 

“I’m not sure how to put this in words, but my dad got into a bad surfing accident and didn’t make it. Im happy he was doing what he loved the most. Life will never be the same without you. I miss you so much, i would do anything to get one more moment, even if it was us arguing and then laughing our asses off. Thank you for teaching me so many life lessons, and always being there for me. I wish you were still here with us right now. I will always be think about you dad ❤️ i love you so much, thank you for everything ❤️ fly high 🕊️ ur a fucking legend.”

A roll call of surfing luminaries including Mark Healey, Kamalei Alexander, Taylor Steele, Tia Blanco, Griffin Colapinto, Shane Dorian, Laura Enever and Lyndie Irons paid tribute below the line. 

“A truly special and amazing human,” wrote Healey. 

Mikala, who was forty-four, was no stranger to putting himself in danger as he charged waves across the Indonesian archipelago.

In a 2012 interview with Nathan Myers, Mikala recounted his near-death experience at a remote reef. 

“I got sucked over the falls and landed on my board…I may have gotten knocked out for a moment, because the next thing I remember is touching the bottom with my feet. I don’t know…all that happened pretty fast.

“With my feet on the bottom, I got a push straight up. I still hadn’t opened my eyes yet, so when I reached the surface I looked around and everything was just going in circles. I barely got my head up for air and I saw the next ten-footer barreling down on me. I managed to scream ‘help’ and then Boom, the lip landed right on me. Underwater everything was going in circles. I grabbed my leash and started to shimmy myself up. I don’t know how long I was under, but I got up just before the next wave hit. Again, everything was going in circles. I yell out again, ‘Help!’ and then the third wave hits me. This was about a 6-foot double-up, and this was the gnarly one.

“I’m underwater doing summersaults and I can’t figure out which way is up. I try to find my leash and I can’t do it… I’m underwater, looking for my leash, looking for the bottom, but everything I see is just spinning in circles. And by this time, I actually felt the fifth wave pass over me. And at that point, I was like, ‘Are you kidding me. I’m going to drown.’

“And then suddenly I’m out of my body. I’m actually looking down at myself. The surface of the water is only two feet above me, but I couldn’t figure it out.I hear my daughter’s voice, ‘Daddy, come home.  

“And then I came to. I don’t know how, but suddenly I’m out of the water. I went from watching myself drown — literally going ‘glug, glug, glug’ — to suddenly standing on the reef, like angels pulled me out of the water. Next thing I know, the sixth wave hits me and I just bear hug my board. Everything is still spinning and I just go summersaulting along the reef hanging onto my board as tight as I can.

“I was literally seconds away from drowning. After that I just layed on the beach coughing up water, with bubbles coming out of my ear. And the waves were just pumping. I was bummed to miss the rest of the swell, but I guess that’s better than going home in a bodybag.”