Introducing President Silly Goose!

When not making people feel uncomfortable with unwanted amorous advances or telling beloved professional surfers that he would “ruin them” or berating Brazilian champions in scathing open letters, Erik Logan’s reign atop the World Surf League was marked by whimsical silly goose behavior.

From wearing a t-shirt of Filipe Toledo’s naked chest to his magical wetsuit of armor, ELo, as he self-identified, was full of goofy good-natured fun ‘n games.

After traveling to Brazil with the tour then getting fired in the most brutal of ways, one line dedicated to his “leaving the company immediately” and no lines given to accomplishments such as The Ultimate Surfer getting cancelled after one season or WSL Studios getting immediately shuttered.

Then he disappeared.

Previously robust Instagram account darkened.

Goodbye horses.

ELo fans, initially worried about his well-being, were buoyed when a report from Manhattan Beach declared he was back sweeping the ocean. Thoughts and prayers, though, soon turned to his financial health. What would the man with the poo poo touch do next after, essentially, destroying professional surfing?

What could he do?

You can image the geysers of relief, then, when his LinkedIn sparked to life, last evening, a gif featuring party poppers below a line reading, “I’m happy to share that I’m starting a new position as Living Life at Self-employed!”

While many rejoiced, those currently living life at self-employed became immediately concerned that Logan could well sink the entire industry. Applications for real jobs soaring.

Poo poo touch.

More as the story develops.

Real chill sparks.

But who would have ever guessed that Mark Zuckerberg, a college dropout who enjoyed ogling unattainable coeds back in the early aughts, would become the modern version of a renaissance man? The big wave stud, who confesses to doing “a fair amount of, like, extreme sport type stuff,” is notable for his foil exploits, spear chucking, BFFing of Kai Lenny and, now, mixed martial artistry.

Though certainly you are following along Zuckerberg and his challenging of Elon Musk to a cage fight. What, days ago, seem destined to happen

“I offered a real date. [UFC president] Dana White offered to make this a legit competition for charity,” Zuckerberg shared via his Twitter-like Threads. “Elon won’t confirm a date, then says he needs surgery, and now asks to do a practice round in my backyard instead. If Elon ever gets serious about a real date and official event, he knows how to reach me.”

The talk of a testosterone-soaked muffin. “Super cool, super fit,” to pull from the aforementioned Lenny.

And, I suppose, as is such with alphas, Zuckerberg recently slid into Lindsey Vonn’s Instagram comments, overnight, and delivered a seductive message.

The all-time leader in women’s World Cup downhill ski racing, Vonn had decided to try a little e-foiling on a placid Lake Tahoe. “Maybe not doctor approved but man I had fun! First day on a foil and knee feels great. Full steam ahead,” she wrote of the clip that featured her whizzing here and there.

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Unable to contain himself, Zuckerberg left two clapping hand emojis. Vonn, who once dated Tiger Woods, was unable to resist and responded by asking the Meta founder on a date, “Have you foiled?! Let’s go!! Or skiing lol”

As if she didn’t know The Zuck was an expert foiler already.

The muscle-bound grappler took opportunity to mansplain “Once you get the e-foil down, try towing behind a jets on a regular foil board. Then you can go in the ocean and that’s even more fun. Skiing it pretty good too…”

Sparks.

Real chill sparks.