Rude.

I trust your weekend was a good one filled with enjoyable food, drink and service. Mine certainly was as I advised and assisted New Englanders in navigating Hurricane Lee with much success. Locals were extremely pleased as I taught them how to lightly horde and shame those who were not taking breezes seriously.

The weekend was, unfortunately, not so wonderful for Higor Fiuza, whom you certainly remember. The Brazilian (?) who splashed into the collective conscious two weeks ago by taking his pet python surfing on Australia’s Gold Coast. While some accused him of “bringing sand to the beach,” hundreds of others were moved by the whimsicality of the act alongside Mr. Fiuza’s ability to understand snakes.

“Usually when she doesn’t like something she starts hissing but she doesn’t hiss [in the water], she is always chill,” he told Channel 9 News.

Parseltongue.

The animal would cling to Mr. Fiuza’s neck while he ripped a longboard all chill and styley.

Very cool.

But leave it to Australia, land of draconian “no fun,” to squash the smiles

According to the BBC:

Queensland’s Department of Environment and Science says it began investigating the surfing duo after Mr Fiuza appeared in local media, and this week issued him a fine of A$2,322 (£1,207; $1,495).

Taking native pets out in public can cause them “unnecessary stress” and could make them “behave in an unpredictable way”, wildlife officer Jonathan McDonald said in a statement.

“Snakes are obviously cold-blooded animals, and while they can swim, reptiles generally avoid water,” he said.

“The python would have found the water to be extremely cold, and the only snakes that should be in the ocean are sea snakes.”

I wish there was a GoFundMe where we could all share in Mr. Fiuza’s fine but alas, I could not find one.

In any case, what do you feel, in general, about surfing animals? Ducks, dogs, cats, chickens etc. have each made headlines during the past year surfing it up. Does it make you giggle or angry?

GOATs only?

"Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair without beach waves."

Appropriation, man. The biggest problem of our day. People wandering around “culture” like it is a giant buffet just picking and choosing what they dig, trying it, seeing if it is “tasty” or not all while completely ignoring the pain and suffering associated with various items or styles. Take designer Marc Jacobs trotting his all-white models down the runway sporting dreadlocks, Avatar: Way of Water wherein actors employed “blueface” to cosplay people of color, Coldplay turning the country of India in a “white person’s fevered dream.”

Or Surf Spray 2.0 from Surf Cosmetic.

“Surf Spray 2.0…” according to the website ” …is the perfect product for those who want beach waves without the beach. Our improved formula helps create natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair. With just a few sprays, you’ll have more volume and texture that lasts the whole day.”

Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair without beach waves.

Without getting pounded by an errant Wavestorm rolling though the lineup, having to yell at an errant Barney missing his Wavestorm, missing the section because of a hand slip during take-off and having it haunt the rest of your day, stepping in tar on the beach then grinding into your wax, accidentally grabbing a 4/3 instead of a 3/2 and being way to hot while bobbing so unzipping the shoulder zip but then getting flushed and being really cold etc.

Appropriation, man.

Sucks.

Surfline code red.

I am currently sitting in the dining room of a classic New England bed and breakfast, the remains of a croque madam resting near an empty coffee mug on a fine china plate on an old farmhouse table, watching gusty winds lightly tickle the still-green leaves of maple trees outside the window.

Terror clawing at all those around.

Hurricane Lee, which has transitioned to Post-Tropical Cyclone Lee, is brushing past the coast, somewhere over the green mountains, leaving uncertainty and potential rain showers in its wake. The power is out in parts of Maine and Rhode Island was hammered with the exceedingly rare Surfline red designation.

I have only ever seen yellow (poor) and green (good).

Red, apparently, is “epic.”

Last evening, at party in an art gallery, a surfer showed me video clips of a lesser-known wave somewhere New England-ish. “Epic” seemed like an understatement. Perfect lines reeled both left and right, making barrel in either direction. I wish I could have been there in order to help those locals deal with fear and anxiety, as I am here to advise and assist after surviving Hurricane Hilary off the coast of California some three weeks ago, but alas, my advising and assistance was required elsewhere.

The sun is almost poking through clouds, now, sending shivers up spines though I swing into action, telling the guests its ok. I spotted enough local aged cheddar and maple syrup on a refurbished ice box near the front desk to last until at least 11 o’clock am. After that, I would be able to lead a recon mission to the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream factory where there may or may not be free samples.

The Ben and Jerry’s ice cream factory is whimsical and silly with an expressive color palate plus three very cute holsteins grazing in a patch of green grass near the road, or that’s what I saw yesterday afternoon while driving by on the way to a bespoke coffee roaster housed in a red barn.

Through my hurricane survival experience, I have come to understand that treating people like babies is essential to hurricane survival.

“I wish there was a vaccine for climate-induced stress,” someone at a neighboring farmhouse table mutters.

“There basically is,” I respond stoically. “Ben and Jerry’s.”