Full retard (pictured) Photo: Simple Jack
Full retard (pictured) Photo: Simple Jack

World Surf League releases “stunningly bad” limited-edition jerseys ahead of Final’s Day

"Never go full...."

It is officially September, now, the month that the World Surf League celebrates its annual final’s day there on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stone. Opinion on former CEO Erik Logan’s attempt to drum of a false sense of excitement at the end of a long season is still mixed. The first year saw fun surf and… to be honest I can’t really remember. The second year saw an absolute robbery of Carissa Moore and Filipe Toledo proving that guts ain’t necessary.

This year?

Who knows though the World Surf League is commemorating it with the release of embarrassingly childish, ludicrously dumb limited edition fan gear.

The t-shirts, already ugly, are smeared with different random slogans.

Griffin Colapinto’s reads “Bring it home.”

Ethan Ewing’s, “Aussie Aussie Aussie.”

Joao Chianca’s, “Cold blood warm heart.”

Jack Robinson’s, “Jack’s Back.”

Filipe Toledo’s, “Caramba, estou com medo de coral.”

On the women’s side we have Tyler Wright’s, maybe the laziest, reading “#Go Tyler.”

Caroline Marks’s, “Caroline all the way” even though “Sweet Caroline” would be the obvious choice.

Molly Picklum’s even lazier than Tyler Wright’s, with a “#Go Molly.”

Caity Simmer’s, “Toast ’em.”

And poor Carissa Moore will be forced to see fans wearing “Go for Moore.”

Seriously, who came up with this?

Logan’s final gift?

Buy here.

Slater (right) and papa. Photo: YouTube
Slater (right) and papa. Photo: YouTube

Tributes pour in as Kelly Slater mourns surrogate father Jimmy Buffett dead at 76

"So sorry Kelly... never met him but was lucky enough to be in his sphere a couple of times."

The world woke to the news, this mourning, that Jimmy Buffett had died at the age of 76. The man who popularized “gulf and western” music was most famous for his one top ten hit Margaritaville, which encouraged an aimless beach lifestyle. Buffett, who turned the song into a billion dollar brand, was much loved by surfers and especially the greatest of all-time, Kelly Slater.

The 11x champion took to Instagram in the wee hours in order to pen a moving tribute.

“I grew up listening to Jimmy Buffett with my family. His music basically outlined the lives we desired… fishing, diving, dreaming about being in the tropics, playing music and just living the dream.”

Slater goes on to describe how he first met Buffett in France in 2010. After his father died, he informed the artist how much he reminded him of his dad and “from that moment on he kind of became a surrogate for me.”

Buffett, Slater said, would call and check in regularly, giving him advice, etc.

“I’m having a tough time accepting his passing, he continued, “but I do feel blessed to have some incredible memories every single time I hung out with him.

Slater ended with, “It 5 o’clock somewhere, Jimmy and I know you’d be smoking a joint with a drink in your hand and a huge smile on your face like any good pirate would.”

Tributes poured in.

Bruce Weber, famed photographer who captured Slater at his dreamiest, wrote, “It’s crazy Kelly so many friends and heroes are going off to another great island – I guess it just makes you want to keep going on until your bags are packed full of memories…”

Surf industry icon Bob Hurley said, “So sorry Kelly… never met him but was lucky enough to be in his sphere a couple of times… very well said… resonates soooo true… we are fortunate to have his work and good vibes live on.”

Songstress Jewel, “Awwww man! So sad! He was great!”

Surf stud Josh Kerr, “Great words! Such a iconic man!’

On and on it went.

Much sad but, hopefully, comfort in the Slater home tonight.

Photo: World Surf League
Photo: World Surf League

World Surf League forced to taste own medicine as prized TikTok account becomes heavily censored by Chinese overlords

"The actions in this video are performed by professionals or supervised by professionals. Do not attempt."

The only, I think, success of the last few years for our World Surf League has been its wildly popular TikTok channel. The social media application, which allows the Chinese government to spy on pre-teens, has wildly grown its fanbase since its U.S. launch in 2016. Much dancing fun with a dash of murder.

@WSL, in any case, boasts 2.1 million followers and features Peter Mel, Strider Wasilewsksi, Paul Evans and other 50+ males participating in “TikTok trends” that appeal to young girls and those presenting as young girls.

@wsl Whilst we enjoy a lay day here in South Africa, let's get to know the #CoronaOpenJBay commentators 🎤 Next call: Tomorrow, July 16 | 7:45 am SAST. @AJ | Sports Host, Reporter ♬ original sound – World Surf League



The League, which loves to censor, erase, promote a false narrative, itself, building an extremely high Wall of Positive Noise and hush hushing handsy CEOs and bootylicious broken backs, has been slapped with some censoring of its own.

Every surfing clip being disappeared underneath a ominous banner reading “The actions in this video are performed by professionals or supervised by professionals. Do not attempt.”

To TikTok’s credit, it’s true.

Surfing should not be attempted.

Thanks, China.

Also, come on, Paul Evans. TikTok trends?

The Big O en route to two tens at the 2015 Cloudbreak contest. “Owen hit that place in Fiji to a degree not ever seen. And what I loved about it is that he seemed as surprised and baffled by it as everybody else," said Matt Warshaw. | Photo: WSL

Fijian government shocks surf world after plan to review public access to world-class wave Cloudbreak!

The Fijian Cabinet is set to review—and possibly end— 2010's Surfing Decree, a law which gave public access to Cloudbreak and Restaurants.

Fiji is paradise, yes? Floating sense drunk all day in the perfection of Tavarua or Namotu, it’s the goofy-footer’s Eden.

For the traveler it’s as fantastic as it is fleeting, like paint in a paper bag. And there’s always the itch to come back by hell or high water. But the means might narrow if some in the Fijian government have their way.

Next week, the Fijian Cabinet is set to review—and possibly end— the 2010 Surfing Decree, a law which gave public access to private spots such as Cloudbreak and Restaurants. Prior to 2010, if ya’ wanted to scratch your itch, you’d have to stay at privately-owned Tavarua.

You wanna surf Cloudbreak? You come through us.

Fijian politics is storied. There’s a history of conflicts on the pacific island chain with two universal hungers to blame: greed and ethnic tensions. In-fighting between the indigenous Fijians, or iTaukei, and Indo-Fijians, those brought over by colonial

England in the late nineteenth century to work the cane plantations. When the British coughed up its imperial rule in 1970, animosity between the two groups festered as property rights and usage issues proved too difficult to solve amicably. As a result came finger pointing, name calling, hair pulling, and a couple a coups.

In 2006, military boss Frank Bainimarama seized power from the elected government in a bloodless take-over motivated by these ethnic tensions and general corruption. In an attempt to boost the flow of foreign dollars into the hands of both groups, Bainimarama spearheaded the 2010 Surfers Decree by giving a shot to the surf-tourism industry, ending exclusivity rights to the few, thereby allowing any charter boat within a wave’s range to bring as many surfers as possible into the water. Cloudbreak and Restaurants, and similar waves were no longer private oases.

Power to the people! The many, oh, so many people.

Surf-tourism is bigger than ever on the Fijian Islands. Because the wave-front resorts no longer control access to the famous waves, stay anywhere you can find, rent a square on a boat, and chance the time of your stupid life. And you can do it cheaper than staying at one of the premiere hotels so guys and dolls like you and me can sport the bill without selling our children. It also spreads bucks into the hands of more native Fijians, indigenous and Indo.

On the negative, this open-door policy (no political discussions in the comments, please) has led to dangerous overcrowding.

Like Wade Carmichael in boardshorts.

Maybe more revealing is the perceived disrespect of the hoteliers shown to indigenous groups. Before the 2010 Decree, hotels were required to pay 5% earnings tribute to the Fijians. This was dropped in the Decree. Guess how much is reported to be given back now? Surprise! You guessed it.

So, who knows where the Cabinet’s review will lead. Maybe we’ll be forced to tunnel through a select few hotels again. Either way, bet that we’ll all be paying out the nose. (Of course, there are heaps of other breaks less advertised to check out.)

Writer and money bags William Finnegan, who surfed the islands decades before many, shared his waffling. “I really did think it [closed access] was kind of politically indefensible,” Billy said. “But I wanted to surf it so much that I eventually went back there as a paying guest and surfed there for a number of years—as an embarrassed but happy paying guest.”

Whether the cost is a half-a-year rent payment or a forgettable card swipe for ya’, those waves furnish a lifetime of daydreams.

What about you?

Would you rather spend big money for a crowd-controlled wave like Cloudbreak or save some cash and wade around in the overcrowded sea of foam?

Kelly Slater Wave Co. sales person (insert) sad.
Kelly Slater Wave Co. sales person (insert) sad.

“Surf-anchored development” begins to trend as two new wave tank communities in Dallas and Nashville announced

We live in the future.

Did you every dream that you would live to see the day when whole inland communities would be built around surfing? Single-family homes, cut-de-sacs, two-car garages and mechanical lefts and rights? But here we are and it’s true. The future. Every day, it seems, another project is announced and now the lexicon is catching up, dubbing them “surf-anchored developments.”

One builder is so excited that it has snatched up exclusive rights to nine markets including Dallas and Nashville. Let’s read about it together.

Aventuur revealed Tuesday that it has plans to roll out Wavegarden’s Cove offering across the United States and Baja California Sur within mixed-use surf, leisure and wellbeing destinations.

Those destinations would be anchored by 5.5-acre surfing lagoons within broader mixed-use developments expected to consist of hospitality, retail and residential components. Amenities could incorporate cafes, restaurants, beach clubs, fitness and well studios, and creative offices, among other neighborhood services.

Each spot requires about $50 million to $100 million in development capital, the company said, and it has already raised $12 million from high net-worth individuals, family offices, and private investment firms to aid in its North American rollout.

I’ve wondered before, here, how sad the Kelly Slater Wave Co. sales team must be on most days. Everyone one of these surf-anchored developments is anchored by a Wavegarden or an American Wave Machine or a Rusty Plunger. Not one, yet, anchored by a Big Blue Sled.

Do you think they have weekly pep talks, gentle in tone, or does “the boss” get on the horn and really lay into them?

Aventuur, in any case, and according to its website, “was founded to provide transformational experiences that enhance wellbeing. Our vision is to curate a global network of deeply connected communities, bound by a love of surfing.”

Ace Buchan is the director of surf and sustainability.

Who knew?