Chas Smith says Jaden Smith is everything surfing needs right now.

Jaden Smith is the future of professional surfing!

Derek Rielly

By

Candy haired son of cuck Will Smith new face of surf!

In the latest episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing, the author of Cocaine and Surfing and Welcome to Paradise, Now Beat it Haole Kook, posits on the new-look world of professional surfing, which includes candy haired minstrel Jaden Smith.

(Despite same last name and similarity in appearance, no relation.)

In a story published over the weekend on BeachGrit, and featuring footage of Jaden Smith, Chas Smith wrote:

There was once a time, and not long ago, when parents who observed a flash of water talent in their young charges could easily imagine a gilded future just over the horizon. Watching, say, their little seven or eight year snag a pocket barrel, maybe even little air revo, and boom. A straight path to sponsorship riches. Incentives. Film and travel budgets.

Alas, that time not long ago but, also, an entirely different era. The surf fan has observed top-level World Surf League Championship Tour talent showing up to events with sticker-less noses. She has watched as the last remaining mega-brand, Authentic Brands Group x Bluestar Alliance, flexed its monopoly muscles and shredded contracts.

Things are, indeed, as bleak as they appear for our heroes and heroines. An industry insider with direct working knowledge of such matters informed me, yesterday, “I am seeing good money is now 25% of what it was for the elite of elite. Everyone else it’s zero.”

Bleak? No!

Jaden Smith, the progeny of fist-swinging cuck Will Smith, will save pro surfing!

Watch, listen, agree!

Boatload of new Americans arrive at La Jolla
The newly arrived Americans-to-be landed at La Jolla, quickly scattering into the gorgeous and very privileged town.

Billionaire enclave La Jolla welcomes beach arrival of Illegal immigrants near Alicia Keys’ $21 mill Razor House!

Derek Rielly

By

In a bold and inspiring daytime landing, the new Americans beached their panga boat and swiftly headed for the hills and new lives in the USA.

Pretty La Jolla, that surf-rich jewel a dozen miles north of downtown San Diego, was privileged to welcome a boatload of new Americans a couple of nights back.

In what has become the new norm in a country that has swung open its golden door to the huddled masses, the wretched refuse, the new Americans made their beach landing near the $21 mill La Jolla home of Alice Keys, the chanteuse famous for Empire State of Mind.

Designed by the noted American architect Wallace E. Cunningham, the La Jolla Razor House, as it is called, was the inspiration for Tony Stark’s cliffside joint in the Iron Man franchise.

“Every wall in this house, every bit of it, is sculpture,” Cunningham told AD. “These beautiful S shapes, these chevrons going down the hillside, curvatures flying in space over your head. It’s more akin to sculpture than architecture.  It is incredibly important to me. It’s dearest to my heart.”

Anyway, in a bold daytime landing, the new Americans beached their panga boat and swiftly headed for the hills and their new lives in the United States. Very inspiring.

You’ll recall a few months back when Malibu was put into a state of euphoria after a boat filled with twenty-five New Americans disembarked on its privileged shores.

The twenty-five new Americans scattered once they hit the golden sands of what used to be Chumash lands, and just under the $100-million clifftop compound of chanteuse Barbara Streisand.

The location of the Malibu landing was significant.

In 2019, Streisand, who is a long-time donor to the now-disgraced Democratic Party, criticised the ghastly Donald Trump for his plans to build a border wall.

“Trump only cares about this ‘wall’ in order to build a monument to himself. Just like the bankrupt ‘Trump’ buildings, the nation cannot afford to pay for his ego – not financially, not morally,” Streisand wrote on X.

And to Vogue magazine,

“Unless you’re an American Indian, you know, you’re a child or grandchild or great-grandchild of immigrants, even the president,,” she said.

Streisand’s house at 6838 Zumirez Drive in Malibu ain’t that far from Paradise Cove, the upscale trailer park famous for its celebrity residents including iconic surf writer Sam George.

(Built in the nineteen-fifties on eighty-five acres of classic Californian beachfront land, the park became the go-to for ocean-lovers who wanted affordable seclusion amid the craziness of Los Angeles.)

American readers, particularly those from La Jolla and Malibu, does this golden new era of unfettered immigration fill you with pride or do you find a little off-putting?

And, non-American readers, what is your view from afar?

Satanic fish farm threatens Ensenada surf gem

Chas Smith

By

"Worrisome for everyone."

It is a rare day, and a rarer cause, that brings BeachGrit and The Inertia together but here we are. The tanned hand of “ultra hard surf candy” clutching the pale and soft paw of “the definitive voice of surfing and the outdoors” and marching south, to Mexico, where an evil fish farm, Satanic by the very definition, is threatening the historically important Ensenada break Tres Emes.

The project, already underway, will house striped bass, a non-native species, for growing and feeding until they are stuffed with enough microplastics to be served, as dinner, to American children. Their pen, on a bluff above Tres Emes, will pump brackish water right into the break though, also, block access to surfers.

Per the environmental group Nosotros y el Mar, “This project began to develop despite displacing surfers and Ensenadian citizens from the last remnant beach with free access to one of the most precious waves in Mexico. We mourn our loss and hope this report will help governments, businesses and citizens realize the social and environmental importance of beaches and fight to preserve them.”

And per The ‘Nertia:

Among the concerned local surfers is Gino Passalacqua, a Ph.D. in Oceanography who is the scientific advisor for Save the Waves. He’s worried that the pipe could be dangerous for surfers and permanently alter the wave.

“We still don’t know the exact location of the pipe and the construction methodologies that they’ll use,” said Passalacqua. “That’s really worrisome for everyone. That amount of water is definitely going to create changes in density. That could affect the dynamics of the sediment flow that creates the break. On a good day (Tres Emes) is better than Lower Trestles. Having those pipes is a risk.”

What can be done?

Tough to say but maybe hit up responsible parties Pacifico Aquaculture and Billund Aquaculture and let them feel the sharpness of your fingers.

Heaven knows fiery missives from Zach Weisberg and co. will cause little, if any, damage.

Kelly Slater Lexus Pipe Pro
Kelly Slater, two weeks from turning fifty-two, will attempt to win the lightly prestigious Lexus Pipe Pro.

Last chance to join world’s richest surf fantasy league as Lexus Pipe Pro roars to life!

Derek Rielly

By

Turn a twenty into $7k and 3 PANDA surfboards…

What are we, thirty-six hours from the start of the wildly reliable and aesthetically invisible Lexus car-sponsored Lexus Pipe Pro and the beginning of what may be the last ever season of professional surfing as we know it?

(You really think old man Ziff will shovel twenty-five mill into a 2025 tour?)

Which means, if you want to have a swing at seven gees and a fleet of three PANDA surfboards, for maybe the last time ever, you gotta get in now before the hooter starts the Lexus Pipe Pro.

Things to consider: what’s the surf gonna be like? If it’s game of finding a corner at three-foot Backdoor, maybe Slater, who turns fifty-two in two weeks, ain’t the best choice. If it’s six-foot, ain’t nobody better.

Miss the cut-off for the Lexus Pipe Pro, this Monday 7 am PST, and you miss the season.

Rules:

Twenty bucks to join.

It’s not a game of chance. It’s simple but it requires a deft hand. All you gotta do is pick one surfer to make it past the Round of 32.

If they advance, you advance.

You can’t pick the same surfer twice.

If you can do this better than everyone else over the course of the season, you’ll win seven thousand American dollars and three PANDA surfboards.

Compare that to what Lakey Peterson’s man Thomas Allen won when he smashed a field of 115,00 competitors (how many of ’em were active no one knows) in the WSL’s fantasy league. When I asked Allen about the prize he said he’d heard that someone, some year, won a trip to Indonesia although “I might have to buy myself a trophy”.

Five years ago, the staggering lack of any prizes was brought into the spotlight when Berlin-based Australian surfer Shane Starling aka Zmonde, picked ten of the eleven event winners, although his victory came and went unacknowledged by the owners of the game. 

Throw your twenty into the mix here. 

Surf fan (pictured) watching clips of Jaden Smith.
Surf fan (pictured) watching clips of Jaden Smith.

Surf industry insider reveals pay “down 75% for elite, 100% for everyone else”

Chas Smith

By

Sad surfing.

There was once a time, and not long ago, when parents who observed a flash of water talent in their young charges could easily imagine a gilded future just over the horizon. Watching, say, their little seven or eight year snag a pocket barrel, maybe even little air revo, and boom. A straight path to sponsorship riches. Incentives. Film and travel budgets.

Alas, that time not long ago but, also, an entirely different era. The surf fan has observed top-level World Surf League Championship Tour talent showing up to events with sticker-less noses. She has watched as the last remaining mega-brand, Authentic Brands Group x Bluestar Alliance, flexed its monopoly muscles and shredded contracts.

Things are, indeed, as bleak as they appear for our heroes and heroines. An industry insider with direct working knowledge of such matters informed me, yesterday, “I am seeing good money is now 25% of what it was for the elite of elite. Everyone else it’s zero.”

A whopping nothing.

How, then, can a World Surf League survive? It takes years of an expensive Qualifying Series campaign for any hopeful to reach the top. Will parents open up wallets for a hobby that maybe with extreme luck and talent and connections earns their budding surf star 75% less than Bede Durbidge once earned?

How will professional surfing, in general, endure? It is, also, costly to chase swell around the globe in order to produce fine YouTube shorts.

Will this sport of kings, thus, revert to just that? Only royalty being gifted the luxury of surfing for a “living?”

Will we, the long-suffering surf fan, only have footage of Will Smith’s surfing son Jaden to enjoy?

Can the exploding trans-women swimwear market save us all?

Thoughts?

Sad surfing, indeed.

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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