Merman John Cena (pictured) waving Ron from Boardporn in.
Merman John Cena (pictured) waving Ron from Boardporn in.

East Coast surfers giddy with anticipation for “ritualistic opening of the Atlantic” by parading mermaids

"Let them SURF!"

I am currently in New York City on the brink of an intense ballet summer and it is very hot. A heat dome has descended driving temperatures up near 100 and the natives mad. Reports of men running wild with knives, warnings of rolling brownouts, general hysteria.

None of them, apparently, have visited Djibouti where the aforementioned are all daily occurrences, year ’round, except the temperatures are up past 120 also year ’round.

Well, relief is in sight for east coast surfers who can hardly wait as the “ritualistic opening of the Atlantic Ocean” occurs tomorrow all thanks to cosplay mermaids and mermen.

Per The New York Times:

It is time for an extravaganza on Coney Island that is hip, tacky and wacky. Hundreds of mermaids — sequined and finned — will splish-splash their way down Surf Avenue in the annual Mermaid Parade on Saturday.

“The Mermaid Parade is as New York as it gets,” said Adam Rinn, the artistic director of Coney Island U.S.A., the nonprofit organization that runs the parade.

Daniel Murphy, the executive director of the Alliance for Coney Island, which represents neighborhood businesses and will have a float in the parade, said the spectacle is “the most conveniently located parade for a hot June day.” It will end with the ritualistic “opening” of the Atlantic Ocean by the king and queen of the parade.

I asked: If you had to describe the Mermaid Parade to a Martian who had just landed and had no idea what it was all about, what would you say?

This was his answer: “Do you remember ‘Abbott and Costello Go to Mars’?” I didn’t, so he provided the briefest of synopses: “Abbott and Costello end up at a Mardi Gras parade. The Mermaid Parade is exactly that.”

East Coast surfers care much less about the hip, tacky and wacky than they do about actually getting to surf legally. The Rockaways are currently running 2 – 3 ft, according to Surfline, and I’d imagine the sands are filled with the waxed n’ ready just waiting for the King and Queen of the Mermaid Parade to wave their tridents over the waters and declare them open.


Saint Sid Abbruzzi. One of a kind. Photo: Water Brother
Saint Sid Abbruzzi. One of a kind. Photo: Water Brother

Surf fans weep on street corners as trailer for patron saint Sid Abbruzzi’s film “Water Brother” drops

The Package has arrived.

Sid Abbruzzi is surfing’s patron saint. The spot has been held, for the last thirty years or such, by Saint Christopher, who has long been venerated by “athletes, mariners, ferrymen, and travelers.” The amalgamation, I guess, extending to surfers but sharing a saint is not the same as having a saint and ours is now Sid.

The Water Brother should need no introduction. The fact that he might, simply testimony to his holiness. But we will get in to that later. For now, you should examine your heart. If you do not know of Sid Abbruzzi, you should deeply question your own attachment to this surfing life. If you do know of Sid Abbruzzi, well, I don’t have much to add here except for the time I met him at Surf Expo in Florida.

It was the year that the former surf personality Ashton Goggans decided the look du jour was tightly rolled yellow beanie and delicately oiled beard, in Florida, but never mind that. Sid had stopped by the Florida Surf Film Festival booth with a crew of Rhode Island heavies, all tattooed and tough. I immediately recognized him as something entirely unique. He said, “Hey, come back to our hotel room with us.”

Intimidated, but with no other option, I accepted.

Now, I had no idea what this hotel room would hold but showing weakness in the face of true ideological belief is tantamount to complete human failure. Sid had an aura. A look. A piercing seriousness and commitment that is altogether rare in our western world. I’d seen it in the eyes of Hezbollah commanders and Yemeni freedom fighters.

I saw it here.

Turns out, I was right but in ways I’d never expected.

I’ll get to that later too. For now, though, a film has been made about Saint Sid’s life. It’s not out yet but I’ve seen it. Twice. So enraptured by the first go through that I replayed, from the beginning, for the wife, immediately after.

She wept too.

The official trailer dropped seconds ago. The film, itself, out mid July.

Gird your loins.

Caroline Marks in Ralph Lauren for Paris 2024
World champ Caroline Marks in Ralph Lauren for Paris 2024.

Surf Olympian Caroline Marks reveals jaw-dropping Ralph Lauren outfits for Paris 2024

Come for the billionaire astronaut look!

Whenever I start to feel like the US has slipped its mooring for good all I gotta do is look at what it does better than anyone else to restore my faith in the great empire’s ability to invent, entertain and innovate.

And there ain’t a country on earth that turns out its Olympic athletes better than superstar Jewish designer Ralph Lauren.

Ol Ralphy-boy, who turns eighty-five this year, has again brought out the WASP fantasy for the opening ceremony outfit, navy blazer, faded denim, white bucks.

“Proud to partner with @RalphLauren, one of the official outfitters of #TeamUSA in the unveil of @PoloRalphLauren’s iconic Opening and Closing Ceremony Uniforms for the upcoming Paris 2024 Games,” writes world champ Caroline Marks.


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A post shared by Caroline Marks (@caroline_markss)

The last time Ralph brought out the blue blazers was in Tokyo 2020 when the look was ridiculed on social media for its conservative details and for the, y’know, lack of diversity etc.

A typical comment: “Ralph Lauren misses way more often than he hits with the Olympic clothing – how long must we suffer with this white person on Nantucket clothing line for our Olympics brand. Like, can we choose something that more closely represents the diversity of America and our athletes?”

This year, howevs, even the detractors couldn’t help but give a wry little nod to Ralph Lauren’s ability to mix business with party.

Paralympic swimmer Jamal Hill beautifully described Lauren’s casual uniforms of a periwinkle blue bomber jacket festooned with patches as the “billionaire astronaut” look.

What’s not to love etc.



The Inertia founder Zach Weisberg (pictured) delivering his "editor's note."
The Inertia founder Zach Weisberg (pictured) delivering his "editor's note."

Scandal prone surf website The Inertia forced to post disclaimer on story following sale to publishing giant

The death of fierce independence.

Almost one year ago, to the day, surf fans were shocked after surf adjacent website The Inertia was sold to publishing giant AllGear Digitals for a deal worth reported millions.

“Building The Inertia has been one of the most rewarding journeys I can imagine,” founder Zach Weisberg, a Virginia Beach surfer who was inspired to launch what would become the template for the vulnerable adult learner tsunami, said at the time. “Since day one, we’ve committed to forging great relationships, sharing valuable stories from unique perspectives in a culture we love, and challenging ourselves to embrace new opportunities.”

The aforementioned surf fans, though, worried if “corporate culture” would invade the fierce independence for which The Inertia was known.

It now appears those fears were justified.

Days ago, the “definitive voice of the outdoors” posted the think piece “Surf Fan Who Wanted Important Contest Held at Big Barreling Left Angry It’s Being Held at Big Barreling Left” wherein “die hard surf fan” Nick Ramos was quoted reacting to the World Surf League moving Finals Day from Lower Trestles to Cloudbreak.

“If I didn’t find a way to be unhappy with the current circumstance then I’d have to sit and enjoy them,” he said. “Sure, they met my personal demands. And I do feel entitled to having my exact view of what’s best for professional surfing validated. But what these corporate kooks don’t get is that a surf fan’s job — the job of a true core surfer — is to live in a state of discontent no matter what.”

While The Inertia’s involuntarily celibate readership enjoyed the scathing wit to which they’d become accustomed, they were left gasping for air at the end when arriving at a disclaimer.

Editor’s Note: If you didn’t figure out this was satire within the first few sentences, shoot us a note and we’ll immediately reply with a response making fun of you.

While also flashing a devil-may-care ethos, it does present a very slippery slope and might hint at AllGear’s meddling. Of course, The Inertia is scandal prone but that’s what makes it so savage.

Dark days, in any case, for a free press.

Australian surfers (pictured) doing economy.

New study rocks conventional wisdom as surfers revealed to float Australian economy

"Using data from the Australian Sports Commission, which shows there are more than 720,000 active adult Australian surfers..."

“Money can buy material things, but real happiness must be truly earned,” proto-hippe Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote back in 1750 and the sentiment has since been baked into fact. It is assumed that the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck with their multi-millions and gigantic homes are miserable and, frankly, it seems thus.

Well, in an absolute shock to grumpy locals, the largest study of its kind found that surfing increases happiness, at least in the United Kingdom.

“I’m always smiling, and the joy I feel for the rest of the day after being at The Wave has made me a much nicer person to be around according to my wife,” one Welshman told researchers. “To say (surfing) has changed my later life is an understatement,” a Scot added.

Now, in a striking Commonwealth connection, it has been revealed that Australian surfers inject wads of cash into the economy each and every year.


The researchers found surfing injects almost $3 billion into the Australian economy each year. The research is published in Marine Policy. Co-authors Asad Yusoff from ANU and Mark Lane and Katja Verreydt from Surfing WA contributed to the findings.

“We asked participants how much they spent on domestic travel and how often they’d traveled to go surfing during the last 12 months, but also how much they spent on new boards, wetsuits and other surf-related accessories,” survey lead Dr. Ana Manero, from ANU, said.

“Our research shows adult surfers spend more than $3,700 per person, each year.

“Using data from the Australian Sports Commission, which shows there are more than 720,000 active adult Australian surfers, we found that surfing injects at least $2.71 billion into the economy each year.

“This is a conversative figure at best because it doesn’t factor in overseas visitors who travel to Australia to go surfing or money generated through professional surfing.”

So, if money buys surfing and surfing equals happiness then Jean-Jacques Rousseau has finally been dubbed a hack.

Viva la revolution.