"Isabella Settanni appears to be an avid surfer and snowboarder..."

So, and let’s just make this quick. Kelly Slater, the world’s greatest ever surfer, once dated an up and coming Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen who, afterward, married super quarterback Tom Brady. Those two had a long and seemingly happy marriage until Tom, like Kelly, refused to hang it up and kept on keeping on (allegedly).

Surf fans, feverish with fairytale, dreamed of a possible Slater x Búndchen reunion though, alas, she fell into love with her Brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor who just so happened to be Brazilian.

In a wild twist, however, Brady is making night music with other Brazilian supermodel Isabella Settanni and does that name sound familiar?

Let us turn to Whiskey Riff for clarity:

Settanni appears to be an avid surfer and snowboarder, and is reportedly the daughter of Junior and Carla Settanni, who own and operate a successful food distribution business. She’s also been linked to a few other athletes, most notably Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina and pro skateboarder Felipe Foguinho.

Et voila.

The Dark Knight’s ex.

But how wowza is the eskimo fraternity of Brady x Medina x Slater?

The term “eskimo brother,” of course, referring to different men who have bought the same woman flowers and chocolates as is the custom in Inuit Nunangat.

Brady Medina Slater a fine name for a baby boy, coincidentally.

Light candles, please.

Surf media cleared of all wrongdoing.

I’ll be quite frank. When I discovered, this morning, that the legendary big wave maven Keala Kennelly had been done wrong by the surfing industry, and mostly media, I was both sad and taken aback. The multi-hyphenate 45-year-old has been routinely celebrated at BeachGrit here, here, here, here, etc. and I only assumed she was treasured as much elsewhere.

Her specific bone, entirely justified in my opinion, was that she had been the first ever to score a perfect 10 at Teahupo’o in 2001 though her milestone was brushed under the carpet, Tati Weston-Webb’s most recent, less than a month ago, being celebrated as unique.

“I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet,” Kennelly penned to Instagram

Alas, in breaking news, the surfing media has been cleared of all wrong doing in forget-gate, all blame falling onto the World Surf League itself.

Per the presser released just after the Tahiti Pro wrapped:

Despite losing to eventual event winner Fierro, Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) made history today with the first Perfect 10 ever from a woman at the Tahiti Pro. Weston-Webb dug deep to paddle over the ledge and into a huge set wave, making it to the bottom and almost catching her rail in the critical part of the wave only to recover and put herself deep in the barrel, behind the heavy Teahupo’o curtain. Weston-Webb then navigated the foam ball and the spit to fly out of the barrel for the Perfect score. Weston-Webb’s amazing surfing continues to push surfing’s progression even more in today’s pumping conditions.

Cruel and sloppy, especially coming from the “Global Home of Surfing.”

But might it have been on purpose?

Surf fans certainly remember, seven months ago, when Kennelly took a sledgehammer to the World Surf League, accusing it of “fraud, deception and stinginess,” declaring, “The WSL calls themselves a ‘sports league.’ They are a medium company and what does a media company need? Attention.”

Ouch though true. The League, itself, responds to criticism with old-school Stalinism, simply erasing those who counter whichever narrative is the one being pushed.

Do you recall Bethany Hamilton?

Neither does anyone behind the Wall of Positive Noise as she was disappeared after challenging the WSL’s stance on trans athletes. Brave surfers wanting to honor the inspirational shark attack survivor by wearing her name told “That person doesn’t exist.”

Keala Kennelly, it appears, victim number two.

Who’s next?