LGBTQ+ nude sunbathers win stunning victory
in Seattle pitching surfer allies into Dionysian celebration
By Chas Smith
We are one ocean.
The unlikely pairing of nude sunbathers and
surfers, days ago, proved a glorious spark of unity in an
otherwise bleak and tribal world. Like lady and the tramp, the two
found common cause over blow-ins descending upon
Wrecks Beach, long considered the “Topless Teahupo’o”
in order to leer and perv.
Nude sunbathing enthusiasts circulated a
petition, surfers rallied to their cause and people
across the globe smiled, feeling the warm glow of harmony not felt
since 2017.
Light warming those dark recesses where the sun usually don’t
shine.
It made perfect sense, then, when surfers broke out into wild
Dionysian celebrations, yesterday, after it was announced that
Seattle’s Denny Blaine Park, long cherished by LGBTQ+ nude
sunbathers, would remain theirs.
The “Naked Nias,” as it is often called, was under threat after
a local millionaire businessman had convinced the parks and rec.
dept. to install a playground in new “zones.” Nudity is legal in
Washington except where it is likely to cause “affront and
alarm.”
Friends of Denny Blaine Park, compromising nude sunbathing
enthusiasts, was formed and forced a veto of the plan.
Co-lead Sophie Amity Debs told the Seattle
Times, “We’re glad they responded to the overwhelming
negative feedback from people that the zones are terrible.” Milo
Kusold, who enjoys sunning his buns, added, “The parks department
has not addressed at all that they’re doing deals with rich people.
[With] no statement on what the article exposed, I feel like it
would be pretty hard to work and collaborate with them.”
Dang rich people.
The victory, cheered loudly by surfers, also galvanized Friends
of Denny Blaine Park and now they are pushing for “adding handrails
to stairs, replacing invasive and thorny blackberry plants, and
alleviating parking and transportation issues.”
Ouchy invasive and thorny blackberry plants.
Surfers, of course, will be available to help if needed,
possibly even as part of the World Surf League’s much-lived One
Ocean initiate. Usually employing top level pros to plant a bush,
there is not reason they cannot be used to prune one as well.
Happy days.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Real busy at Malibu
Steve Jobs’ widow continues buy-up of
Malibu oceanfront lots; shovels $94 million at four-acre Paradise
Cove spread
By Derek Rielly
"The region’s surfers are becoming increasingly
worried that their beloved and historical surf break may finally
become overcrowded."
In a series of Malibu transactions not seen since Superbad
star Jonah Hill took a shine to the thirty-click beach strip a few
years back, Steve Jobs’ widow has bought up almost $200 million
in oceanfront real estate in the monied, and honied,
city.
Laurene Powell Jobs, who is worth fourteen billion dollars after
inheriting Stevie’s stake in Apple and Disney, busted into the
Malibu market in 2015 when she bought a double-parcel joint for $44
mill, swiftly bulldozing the existing house. Two years later, she
bought the neighbours out for $16.5 mill and, in 2021, another
neighbour for $17.5 mill.
Jobs’ latest buy is a four-acre oceanfront estate in
Paradise Cove, bought
off-market hence no photos, for $94 million.
Incredibly, the $94,000,000 buy ain’t the priciest sale in
Malibu.
That honour goes to megastar power couple Jay-Z and Beyoncé who,
last year, bought a $200 million cement bunker, designed by
architect Tadao Ando, on an eight-acre parcel right there on a
bluff overlooking the ocean.
At the time, concerns were raised that Malibu might become
overexposed due to its colonisation by the rich and famous.
“Exciting but with this new spotlight, the region’s surfers are
becoming increasingly worried that their beloved and historical
surf break may finally become overcrowded,” reported Chas Smith.
“Weekend mobs descended upon the wave as news of Jay-Z and
Beyoncé’s new address, leaving locals kerflummoxed and befuddled.
Longtime natives the Brothers Marshall posted a photo of the chaos,
wondering if it was a sign of things to come.”
Want to get into Paradise Cove but don’t got the ten-mill
minimum buy-in?
Sierra Kerr, taking bombs no one else wants, riding em
to a perfect ten.
Nepo Baby Sierra Kerr backs up surf-star
hype with near-perfect heat score!
By Shane Durian
As Daddy Josh Kerr keeps on winning heats on the
men's side!
We live in the age of nepotism.
In the NBA, current superstars Steph Curry and Jalen Brunson
stand on the shoulders of their daddys Eddy Curry and Rick Brunson;
Lebron ‘Bronny’ James Jr. gets more coverage than all his fellow
draft prospects combined, despite being a fringe round two pick at
best.
In Hollywood, nepo babies Dakota Johnson and Nicola Peltz
Beckham enjoy professional opportunities that correlate directly to
their parents’ fame and fortune, regardless of any dramatic skill
they may (in Johnson’s case) or may not (in Peltz-Beckham’s case)
possess.
In music, Miley Cyrus traded for years on the genes, upbringing
and public profile of her now less-famous father, Billy Ray.
Politics (Trudeau), business (Trump), modelling (Hadid) – you
name an industry and there, near the top, will be a scion fed with
a spoon of silver and aided by the velvet-gloved hand of
nepotism.
So too, in surfing.
The name Sierra Kerr has been on surf fans’ lips for years now,
despite her being just 17 years old and so far lacking the
competitive success enjoyed by fellow prodigies Erin Brooks (16)
and Caitlin Simmers (18).
Josh Kerr needs little introduction to the ardent surf fan, but
let’s introduce him anyway.
He came onto the scene in the mid 2000s as the World Air Champ
pushing the boundaries of the sport with such innovations as the
Club Sandwich and
clinching the last ever Airshow Series title in 2005.
Two years later he made the ‘CT and demonstrated his skill in
waves, little and monstrous.
After a decade competing at the highest level Kerr hung up his
singlet and began a new chapter as a freesurfer extraordinaire,
twin-fin advocate and shrewd entrepreneur. Shortly thereafter the
first clips of daughter Sierra started to drop and Kerrzy’s other
major role as daddy to two young groms took centre stage.
Let us set the scene for Sierra Kerr’s triumph: Day 5 of the
Nias Pro, one of the major events on the Asian/Australasian
regional Qualification Series. The preceding day was of historic
proportions, and the swell had built slightly overnight – not as
perfect or consistent perhaps, but a foot bigger on the largest
sets of the morning.
The first heat of the day saw the men resume their heroic
efforts – Cooper Davies dropped a 16.70 heat total, Made Joi
Satriawan 17.50, Shohei Kato 18.03. All threaded thick righthand
pits for well-deserved 8s and 9s.
Then the women’s round of 32 started, and the high scores
stopped.
Most of the women relied on turns, leaning their step-up boards
into the fat tapering walls that follow the barrel section. Forays
into the tube were all too brief, often limited by an inability to
knife the critical takeoff. Willow Hardy and Piper Harrison pulled
in deep, made it out and were rewarded with a 10 and a 9.70
respectively. No one else posted anything better than a 7.83 all
round.
It was clear – these were not the ferocious ladies of the CT who
made history earlier this year at Pipeline and Teahupo’o, putting
reigning Men’s World Champ Filipe Toledo to shame with their heady
mix of tenacity and skill. I wondered what barrel maestro Caity
Simmers would have authored, had she been in the water.
Then Sierra Kerr stepped up, swung hard and knocked two perfect
pitches right out of the park.
Her 10 point ride was a classic. The first wave ridden in the
heat, none of the other women wanted to go near it. As they paddled
towards the wave and over it, Sierra turned, stroked deep and
dropped hard into a thick barrel. A few mini pumps and she was out,
looking back at the shoreline.
“I paddled deep because everyone was wide, no one wanted it,”
said Kerr after.
Showing perfect composure, Kerr waited 23 minutes for her next
wave, a skillful pump-to-highline tubride followed by a solid
grabrail cuttie, netting a 6.17.
All her competitors were firmly in comboland, and Kerr had no
more work to do.
Except that she did.
With just 19 seconds left she pulled into another six-foot
drainer, pumped hard three times and came out nodding like a bobble
head on your dashboard as you go over a particularly sharp speed
bump.
9.87+10 = one of the highest ever heat totals by a female
competitive surfer, a landmark effort that backs up her fans who
claim she is the future of women’s surfing.
Daddy Josh was, of course, sitting in the channel about to start
his next heat.
Both Kerrs made it through the rest of their matches for the day
and have the chance to make the first ever father-daughter event
win pairing in any sport when finals day unfolds.
The lesson?
Don’t hate on nepotism just because the silver spoon isn’t in
your mouth. Enjoy it. Revel in it.
Parenthood is a beautiful thing, and so is prodigous
excellence.
So much the better when one is entwined with the other.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Kite surfer (pictured) with his word.
Literate kite surfer saves self by
correctly spelling “HELP” on sand
By Chas Smith
The power of the pen.
Surfers and kite surfers generally have no
beef, or at least not in Southern California. When the wind whips
hard enough to billow their sheets, surfers are generally long
gone, enjoying an afternoon cocktail, perhaps a fat washed mezcal
that uses the drippings from a rack of slow-cooked pork ribs and an
equal amount of mezcal that sits in the freezer overnight and
includes a spicy habanero-tincture garnish. Or perhaps not. In any
case, a kite surfer became in trouble up Santa Cruz way and leaned
upon literacy in order to save himself.
The unnamed man, described as a “veteran windsurfer” by local
news but also a “kite surfer” by national news and simply “surfer”
by international news, became stuck on a beach surrounded by cliffs
with a rising tide threatening. Not the good sort of “Rising Tide”
produced by the World Surf League wherein younger girls learn to
charge but the drowning sort.
Thinking quickly, our intelligent hero spelled the word H E L P
out of rocks on the sand and was spotted by a passing helicopter
which, in turn, alerted authorities.
“It was actually very windy out as well, probably 25-plus MPH
wind,” Cal Fire Capt. Sean Ketchum told NBC’s Bay Area
affiliate.
“It is an extremely beautiful place to work and live,” added Cal
Fire Capt. Skylar Merritt. “That being said, it can lull people
into a false sense of security around those cliffs. Those beaches
are notorious for strong winds, rip tides and cold water.”
It was too dangerous to rescue the logophile from sea and so a
helicopter came in and hoisted him to safety.
“It was a good feeling being there and being able to help just
get him out of there,” rescuer Jesus Acosta declared, also sharing
that the whole business felt like a scene from a movie.
Very cool.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Griffin Colapinto (insert) alongside the Rodent Men
hunks du jour. Photo: Instagram
Surfer Griffin Colapinto now sex symbol
alongside actor Jeremy Allen White, musician Matt Healy as “Hot
Rodent Men” trends
By Chas Smith
"They’re actually the most physically desirable
thing a man can be at this particularly disorienting moment in
American history."
San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto certainly has
stitched together “a hell of a year,” to quote the great Matthew
McConaughey. Currently sitting number three in the world, the Gandhi-like
25-year-old will be Olympic-bound in July then headed
to his home break of Lowers to compete for a World Surf League
championship.
A very real possibility of wins at both Teahupo’o and
Trestles.
He might be inclined to hire protection at those two stops to
shield him from a Beatlemania-like frenzy, young and old women
throwing themselves at him, men too as he is now, officially, a sex
symbol.
The New York Times is
reporting that “Hot Rodent Men” is the look of the
season “according to the tabloids.” The piece continues, “They’re
actually the most physically desirable thing a man can be at this
particularly disorienting moment in American history. Exemplified
by the faces of actors like The Bear’s Jeremy Allen White and
Challengers leads Mike Faist and Josh O’Connor; as well as the 1975
band member Matty Healy and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, hot
‘Rodent Men’ are a loose category that seems mostly to refer to men
who look a bit like mice or rats.”
Willem Dafoe is also included in the group.
But how do you feel about this sudden revelation? When you look
in the mirror are you greeted with a ratty look peering back with
beady little eyes and a twitchy little nose? Pinched features and a
general stink of poor morals? Count yourself lucky if the answer is
“yes.”
Back to Griff, though. Colapinto has long shared his desire to
be interesting, telling Olympics.com,
“It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s
always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring
guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an
opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and
just show my true self.”
A fortuitous turn as “his true self” is now lust material.
