"They’re actually the most physically desirable thing a man can be at this particularly disorienting moment in American history."

San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto certainly has stitched together “a hell of a year,” to quote the great Matthew McConaughey. Currently sitting number three in the world, the Gandhi-like 25-year-old will be Olympic-bound in July then headed to his home break of Lowers to compete for a World Surf League championship.

A very real possibility of wins at both Teahupo’o and Trestles.

He might be inclined to hire protection at those two stops to shield him from a Beatlemania-like frenzy, young and old women throwing themselves at him, men too as he is now, officially, a sex symbol.

The New York Times is reporting that “Hot Rodent Men” is the look of the season “according to the tabloids.” The piece continues, “They’re actually the most physically desirable thing a man can be at this particularly disorienting moment in American history. Exemplified by the faces of actors like The Bear’s Jeremy Allen White and Challengers leads Mike Faist and Josh O’Connor; as well as the 1975 band member Matty Healy and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, hot ‘Rodent Men’ are a loose category that seems mostly to refer to men who look a bit like mice or rats.”

Willem Dafoe is also included in the group.

But how do you feel about this sudden revelation? When you look in the mirror are you greeted with a ratty look peering back with beady little eyes and a twitchy little nose? Pinched features and a general stink of poor morals? Count yourself lucky if the answer is “yes.”

Back to Griff, though. Colapinto has long shared his desire to be interesting, telling Olympics.com, “It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and just show my true self.”

A fortuitous turn as “his true self” is now lust material.

Hubba hubba.

Drumroll, please.

The 2024 World Surf League Championship Tour only has two events remaining, three if one counts the ill-conceived Lower Trestles Finals Day, and it has certainly been almost exciting at times. The Tahiti Pro and the El Salvador Pro especially. The women, of course, have thus far stolen the year but the men ain’t doing too shabbily either. On that side of the draw, eight, maybe nine, surfers are battling for a spot to take on John John Florence in soft Southern California right handers for the crown.

Again, almost exciting.

But it is time to power rank our guides for the year, the broadcast team who has coalesced into the best in World Surf League history since 1976 circa 2015?

I’d argue yes and without further ado:

1. Strider Wasilewski: Raspberry, and his role floating in various channels and lineups, has officially transcended surfing and should now be considered alongside broadcasting greats the likes of Greg Olsen and Vincent Edward Scully. Wasilewski is perpetually thrilled and can get barreled with the best of them making his annoyance at unridden gems priceless.

2. Kaipo Guerrero: While certainly polarizing, Guerrero’s highwire linguistic act is quickly becoming “must-see-tv.” The former model spools out metaphor after metaphor, folk etymology after folk etymology, spinning them into such a heady web that surf fans, at home, have zero idea how he will be able to find his way out. He does, though, inevitably leaving the aforementioned surf fans breathless and happy.

3. Chris Cote: Equal parts play-by-play and color, Cote has rounded into a treat. While calling professional surfing might look easy, trust me. It is. I’m sure I’ve told you about the time that I called a one-star women’s event in France alongside Paul Evans? In any case, Cote makes the easy look easy, which is difficult. He makes no apology for being toxically positive nor for being a fan and as his opinion presents more and more, the hater watching at home actually gets to chew some meat on a bone.

4. Felicity Palmateer: As the lone woman in various reclaimed pallet studios, Flick has a load to carry and, in her first full season, is doing admirably. Oh sure, she becomes too emotional from time to time but what woman doesn’t? Just kidding. A little throwback humor for you now that cancel culture has, itself, been cancelled. She almost gets critical, from time to time, and if she let her jerk flag fly more often might reach Raspberry levels of excellence.

6. Ronald Blakey: As the handsomest on the team, and brother of Vaughn, he should be by far the best and yet he rolls into “narrating history” voice too often. There is no reason that Blakey should not be in the booth at every event except laziness and so we must blame him for more than we should.

5. Jesse Mendes: Well who saw this coming? Mendes’ cardboard persona, generally pointless, was the exact balm epic Teahupo’o needed. The Brazilian’s insights into barrel wrangling proved interesting and valuable. While one event does not a broadcaster make, Mendes showed potential in Tahiti and that, in and of itself, is shocking.

6. AJ McCord: Completely serviceable, McCord brings a sense of professionalism to an otherwise largely…. non-professional group. She asks the questions in her post heat interviews quick and isn’t cloying. The only real downside is her lack of usage during long lully events. Not her fault, but suggests she doesn’t know all that much about surfing and will soon climb to bigger sports.

7. The Bonsoy Brew Break.

8. Bailey Ladders Leaderboard.

9. The “Stay Tuned” screen.

10. Greenwashing.

11. Madonna since she once dated Kaipo.

12. Joe Turpel: The “voice of professional surfing,” Turpel’s buttery drone has become synonymous with the World Surf League. While his encyclopedic heat knowledge flashes every so often, he seems overly-content to blather on and on and on and on filling the air with empty. If Hollywood ever remakes The NeverEnding Story, Turpel will certainly be considered as The Nothing. There is, likely, no redemption for the man and he can thank his stars for Mitch Salazar.

13. Unisex Shiseido models.

14. Mitchell Salazar: I have to assume he isn’t getting paid but still.

"Truly, all I want to do is provide stoke to the world."

The United States of America was pitched into heated polarized fighting, yesterday, after former first daughter Ivanka Trump posted an ode to the world’s oceans featuring herself sliding on a wake behind a boat. The leggy 42-year-old blonde captioned the tribute, “Individually we are one drop, together we are an ocean – Ryunosuke Satoro” and hashtagged it #happyoceanday.

The “Wake Sliding is Not Surfing” and “Wake Surfing is Surfing” camps immediately rallied and began taunting each other online.

Leelee5__ smashed in for Not Surfing and sneered, “Neither her or her step mom are real women. They are not role models and does any one care to see this one water skiing?”

Djmano_com, bashed in for Is Surfing, hitting with, “This is the epitome of WOKE! (If you know the real meaning) You Go Surf Gurl!”

Back and forth the two sides went even declaring the other should be locked up in federal prison.

Trump, for her part, attempted to stay above the fray, abiding by an earlier statement in which she declared, “I love my father very much. This time around, I’m choosing to prioritize my young children and the private life we are creating as a family. While I will always love and support my father, going forward I will do so outside the political arena.”

Culture watchers attempted to contact Ben Gravy, hoping the New Jersey novelty wave maestro could definitively declare if wake sliding is or is not surfing but he only responded cryptically, via Instagram, “After being out of the water with a torn bicep for almost 5 months I’ve had a lot of time to reevaluate & think about what I truly want to give to this world. There’s ups & downs in life, but if you pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell you all the answers will make themselves abundantly clear. This past week is one of those obvious reminders of how I ended up doing what I do for a living. Truly, all I want to do is provide stoke to the world.”

Troubled times.