EE en route to LA and plump ass that needs belting.

Ethan Ewing, owner of the “most spankable bottom in surfing” en route to Finals Day after miracle recovery from broken back!

"My pain levels have dropped significantly!"

As first reported on these pages over the previous week and despite being given no chance by fans, Ethan Ewing will be competing in the WSL Finals three weeks off busting two vertebrae in his back. 

Ewing, a baby-faced twenty-five-year-old Australian with the “plumpest and most spankable bottom in surfing”, was driven, we were told, by a desire to keep Medina out of the Final Five and to mop up the blood from last year’s failed title attempt. 

The favourite to win the contest is the small-wave wizard and reigning world champion Pip Toledo, whose daddy claimed yesterday the only reason Pip don’t charge Teahupoo is ‘cause she wants to save himself for the Finals, something that didn’t bother mad-dog Ewing.

“His focus is on the world tour final and another world title. Now is not the time to show that you throw yourself at Teahupoo,” said Ricardo Toledo. “Look what happened with Ethan Ewing… You have to know the moment to expose yourself and the time in which can expose yourself.”

(I’d suggest Pip throw this Patton quote on this wall, “Some men will get over their fright in a minute under fire, some take an hour, and for some it takes days. But the real man never lets his fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his country, and his innate manhood.”)

Now, in a stirring message to fans and foes alike, Ewing has demonstrated his fitness and strength with a series of clips from a gymnasium workout, even a  cursory glance at Ewing’s quadriceps will strike fear into the bowling pin-shaped Toledo, and concludes his posts with a photograph seated in biz class en route to Los Angeles.

Only eight days ago, the World Surf League was accused of “passive aggressively trolling Ethan Ewing” after including him in promotional material.

The one-day surf-off will run some time between September eight and sixteen at San Clemente’s Lower Trestles, likely around 14 or 15.

Brazilian hoses down Mexican drop-in.

“Game of grab-ass” at Desert Point divides internet as surfers argue finer details of surf-etiquette!

“He says he can catch every wave he wants because he is Brazilian!”

This magnificent video sketch of a Mexican surfer being attacked by a Brazilian mid-wave at Desert Point brings to light the absurdity of the once-secret wave, a wildly unforgiving left on the southern tip of Indonesia’s Lombok.

It’s a brutal lineup at Desert although once, and in the not too distant past, you and a few pals might’ve chanced upon it for a few hours, empty. Some years ago now, your ol pal DR jumped ship from a charter boat that was headed for Sumbawa for two hours of slick four-footers. Only one surfer out, a man called Jim Banks, who chewed through the drainpipes like a cornered rat.

Now, ooowee, ain’t nobody finding any sorta peace out there.

Puerto Escondido’s Alejandro Garza, pink shirt, is pictured here apparently dropping in a man before getting his comeuppance, as they say, clipped with an ass grab and tee pull.

Or so it seemed.


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“I’m the guy with the pink shirt,” writes Garza. “So this guy dropped on the wave behind me after I was already on the wave. He pushes me down and then yells at me saying he can catch every wave he wants because he is Brazilian and been surfing at Deserts for 20 years.”

And, so ensued many thousands of comments on the rights and wrongs of putting a slug into a drop-in and how surfers who snake should be violated.

And, for Rio Waida, an Indonesian tour rookie, an innocent “Ha! Ha!” led to one troll’s call for his dismissal from sponsor Quiksilver.

“Is this really the mindset of your athletes promoting violence in the surf? I mean regardless whose fault this was this could have ended up with a serious injury and you literally promoting this shit? If that’s the athletes you pick @quiksilver_indonesia then it’s for sure the last boardshort I bought from BOARDRIDERS. What an embarrassing role model u are @riowaida_”

Meanwhile the big-wave surfer Koby Abberton, a habitué of Deserts, summed up the mood well.

“No fun anymore,” he writes.


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World Surf League sale rumors boil as Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund buys $100 million minority stake in Professional Fighters League

World Saudi League.

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and its branching out into sports, is no secret. Earlier last year the oil rich state funded the billion dollar rebel golf tour LIV which, essentially, forced the longstanding PGA to sell itself to Riyadh and, just like that, the sheiks own golf. Adding to their collection, and hours ago, it was announced that the Public Investment Fund purchased a minority stake in PFL, more the Professional Fighters League to the tune of $100 million.


As part of the agreement, SRJ (the branch of Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund that deals with sport) will also be an investor in a new regional league called PFL MENA, which will launch in 2024, and will support PFL’s expansion into Saudi Arabia and the Middle East. The upcoming PFL pay-per-view Super Fight events will be held in Saudi Arabia.

SRJ’s commitment to the PFL is worth more than $100 million, sources confirmed to ESPN after a report from Sportico. One source told ESPN that the deal “could be worth substantially more” than that number in the future.


$100 million shekels.

I mean, not shekels, clams.

Imagine how much drool is flooding Dirk Ziff’s uncomfortably dry mouth at this moment.

Rumors have been boiling for months, now, that the reclusive billionaire and owner of the World Surf League has been shopping his failed asset. Even though former CEO Erik Logan promised growth and “momentum being real” he got fired after telling a boy to “take his shirt off” and those pronouncements were flat out lies.

It is neither growing nor having momentum, exciting ladder sponsorships being the best it can do, and you must imagine that Ziff is chartering the family jet and punching in coordinates as “middle” and “east.”

Wave tanks in Jeddah.

Final’s Day in Haql.

Have you ever been?

I’ve only looked at Haql from a hospital in Aqaba when I was suffering from amoebic dysentery.


I’ll put all my agurot that Ziff will, anyhow, sell to, if not Saudi then Bahrain sometime next year, using the Olympics as leverage.

I mean, not agurot, simolians.

But if a minority stake in an off-brand fight league costs $100 mil what will all of professional surfing cost?

I’m going… covering debt plus free. Just like when Ziff bought it the first time!


Slater (right) informed of his fall. Photo: WSL
Slater (right) informed of his fall. Photo: WSL

Surf censor king Kelly Slater put on notice as rapper Cam’ron blocks 27,000 users on Instagram in single day!

There's a new rejector in town.

Kelly Slater, considered by many to be the world’s best ever athlete, is a magnificent specimen. Tan, handsome, talented. A history of dating supermodels including, but not limited to, Gisele Bündchen (one more candle, please), eleven surfing championship titles, homes in Oahu, Florida plus on Australia’s Gold Coast and the greatest censor seen since Stalin.

Cross the boy from Cocoa Beach and he will ruthlessly block you from his social media channels. Sometimes, the offender is notified with a direct, “And now you are blocked.” Oftentimes not and rooty-tooties are simply left out in the cold, learning of their fate when searching Kelly Slater and only finding “user no longer found.”


It happens early and happens often, many considering Slater to be the blocking GOAT.

Hakeem Olajuwon-esque.

Until this week, that is, when a new force emerged, making’s Slater’s efforts seem entirely little league.

And let us meet Cam’ron.

The 47-year-old rapper, who hails from New York City, and has sold over 2 million albums worldwide when on an absolute tear, blocking 27,000 followers in a single day.

Per Vibe:

Cam’ron has dubbed himself “Petty Murphy” after blocking thousands of people on social media for merely liking unflattering comments about him.

On Sunday (Aug. 27), the Harlem native shared a screen recording of his phone as he was in the midst of restricting nearly 12,000 users’ access to his Instagram account, which currently sits at 2.9 million followers.

“My Sunday mornings.. Blocking everyone who ‘liked’ a slick comment about me,” the 47-year-old captioned the post. “Then I block the person who made the comment last,” he added. “I’m at 11,876 people so far. And I have a flight to catch. So I’ll have more time. I’ll probably tap out at 27k today.”

This isn’t the first time the Come Home With Me rapper has revoked access to his Instagram page. In 2021, he claimed to have blocked nearly 200,000 accounts for similar reasons. “Don’t ever feel bad about blocking somebody. It’s your page. It’s your sh*t. Sometimes people are too opinionated on your sh*t,” the Dipset leader said at the time.


But do you think Slater, who is known to be extremely competitive, will try to match Cam’ron or will he quietly lay down his shield?

Also, if Cam’ron has adopted the name Petty Murphy, what might Slater be called?

Daddy of Filipe Toledo admits champ’s fear of Teahupoo in raw new interview, “He is afraid of hitting the bottom”

"The fear he has is hitting himself there and suffering an irreversible injury."

Two weeks ago, biz as usual for world champ Pip Toledo in Tahiti ladelling, as Smith described it, “shame onto World Surf league Championship trophy yet again with timid Teahupoo performance.” 

His round of sixteen heat against local wildcard Mihimana Braye, surfing in his first ever contest, featured the exact same timidity the cowardly lion has displayed in each of his trips to “The End of the Road.”

There he bobbed, holding priority, while Braye paddled, dropped, became barreled and was spat into applause. There he took off on a small closeout just to hand that priority over and not be forced into actually trying.

There he lost 15.50 to 5.73

It was a shameful display and would be semi-forgiven if Toledo finally, and for the first time, admitted that Teahupo’o terrifies him.

Well, Smith’s wish almost came true yesterday with the re-appearance of Ricardo Toledo, daddy of the champ who gained many fans years ago with his no-holds barred blood feud with the big-wave surfer Alex Gray.

“Sorry, Gray, I think you wanting suck my dick!” Ricardo posted, along with a photo of himself in a bikini brief. “Sorry but will not give. I am well settled sexually, and besides, my wife will you!! Fuck yourself…”

Now, on a Portuguese podcast Ricardo has admitted Pip’s fear of the iconic Tahitian wave is real. 

“The truth is that he is afraid of hitting the coral bottom. That is the fear he has, of hitting himself there and really hurting himself and suffering an irreversible injury. It’s something that stays in his head… He’s already surfed big Waimea and Pipeline. He doesn’t have the know-how like John John has, like Medina has or as Italo acquired over the years. It is something that we know but at no time does it detract from the quality of the athlete that he is.”

Although it doesn’t explain his zero heat in 2015, Pip’s brave act of cowardice as it were, Ricardo says his son’s timidity this year was to save himself prior to Final’s Day.

“His focus is on the world tour final and another world title. Now is not the time to show that you throw yourself at Teahupoo. Look what happened with Ethan Ewing… You have to know the moment to expose yourself and the time in which can expose yourself.”

A start yes? Acceptance etc.

Ricardo also said he’d be setting up a large tent at Lowers adjacent to the judging platform “to put pressure on” the five men charged with scoring the Final, and has told Filipe if he wins the second title he’ll do an Ironman event, forty-two k run, 180 k’s on a bike and a four-k swim to celebrate.