An Olympic-sized problem?

The surf apocalypse is well and truly flourishing what with hordes of soft-toppers swamping lineups, professional surfers forced to toil under the OnlyFans yoke and now rabid seals terrorizing South African surfers willy nilly. Yes, the hearty and healthy souls who paddle into that cold Atlantic have long had to deal with the terror of great white shark, but the seal menace is far more worrying.

“I was out surfing the other day, when this seal popped up in the lineup [of surfers] to sun itself,” Gregg Oelofse, who is in charge of coastal management for Cape Town council, told the Guardian. “Usually, surfers would enjoy the interaction. But now everyone was paddling as fast as they could to get away.”

Scientists are uncertain when, or where, the seals first contracted the virus but it is causing much fear and also damage. Last month, one seal bit several surfers in a matter of minutes leaving one with “horrific facial injuries that could only have been inflicted by a seriously aggressive animal.”

It is estimated that some two million cape fur seals live in South Africa and there is no telling how many of them are struck with the foamy flu. “We really want to know the transfer rate [of the disease],” Oelofse continued, expressing concern that rabies might become endemic in the seal population or jump to other coastal mammals such as Cape clawless otters. “We’re also super-worried about what it might mean for our seals,” says. “And we really don’t want any humans to get rabies.”

The clawless otters don’t sound too scary, tbh, but Covid didn’t either, if we’re honest.

The real worry, I suppose, is the threat posed to professional surfers who have a history of contracting exotic ailments. Australian Olympian Tyler Wright comes first to mind along with Brazil’s Filipe Toledo. He will be heading to Teahupo’o in days after taking the year off to recover from mental health. The world will, of course, be rallying in his corner. Wishing for the greatest sport story of all-time to manifest in front of our very eyes.

I’m with them and if dang rabid seals get in the way….

… ugh.

I’ll, of course, be covering all the action from Paris and will be overjoyed to entertain any and all rabid athletes here. Foie gras, I feel, a sort of dark age’d antidote.

More as the story develops.

"Like delicately seasoned steak tartar..."

There is good news, there is great news and then there is the news that big wave champion Billy Kemper is joining OnlyFans. That sort of news that tilts the world on its very axis. The Maui raised Kemper, thirty-four, is known for his epic Jaws performances as well as his smoldering good looks and will certainly be a welcome addition to the popular internet subscription service.

Per the PR inquiry, Kemper “plans to use his platform on OnlyFans to share exclusive content around his training and also share his thoughts on the US Open competition.”

As thirsty surf fans know, the annual Huntington Beach bacchanal officially gets underway on August 5th. Long Beach’s Sublime will be headlining the musical portion of the show leading many to imagine another glorious riot to add to a long-ish list of glorious riots.

Fun.

Back to Kemper, though, as a four-time Jaws winner, his insight into the competitive nuts and bolts of Huntington Beach, its bathymetry etc. will be more than welcome. Do you have a horse in that race or will you be mainly focused on the Olympics, which just so happen to be running concurrently?

I am in Paris covering the Games, as you know, just down the street from the USA House, as it happens. I heard a rumor that victorious surfers will be flown the 10,000 from Tahiti to the City of Light and I very much look forward to showing them around. I’ve already discovered a favorite bistro that Vahine Fierro and Joao Chianca will undoubtedly enjoy. Those are my picks for gold, by the way. Silvers will go to John John Florence and Brisa Hennessy. Bronzes to Jack Robinson and Molly Picklum.

Back to the bistro, though, I had the most delicate steak tartar of my life and foie gras that, truly, inspired. Any of the above Olympians will relish twice as much as they will have been eating poisson cru, only, for the past two weeks.

Like wandering through the maze of OnlyFans and stumbling upon Billy Kemper.

Inspired.