Dane Reynolds (right) examines a rabid seal.
Dane Reynolds (right) examines a rabid seal.

Rabid seals replace great white sharks as main surf terror in South Africa

An Olympic-sized problem?

The surf apocalypse is well and truly flourishing what with hordes of soft-toppers swamping lineups, professional surfers forced to toil under the OnlyFans yoke and now rabid seals terrorizing South African surfers willy nilly. Yes, the hearty and healthy souls who paddle into that cold Atlantic have long had to deal with the terror of great white shark, but the seal menace is far more worrying.

“I was out surfing the other day, when this seal popped up in the lineup [of surfers] to sun itself,” Gregg Oelofse, who is in charge of coastal management for Cape Town council, told the Guardian. “Usually, surfers would enjoy the interaction. But now everyone was paddling as fast as they could to get away.”

Scientists are uncertain when, or where, the seals first contracted the virus but it is causing much fear and also damage. Last month, one seal bit several surfers in a matter of minutes leaving one with “horrific facial injuries that could only have been inflicted by a seriously aggressive animal.”

It is estimated that some two million cape fur seals live in South Africa and there is no telling how many of them are struck with the foamy flu. “We really want to know the transfer rate [of the disease],” Oelofse continued, expressing concern that rabies might become endemic in the seal population or jump to other coastal mammals such as Cape clawless otters. “We’re also super-worried about what it might mean for our seals,” says. “And we really don’t want any humans to get rabies.”

The clawless otters don’t sound too scary, tbh, but Covid didn’t either, if we’re honest.

The real worry, I suppose, is the threat posed to professional surfers who have a history of contracting exotic ailments. Australian Olympian Tyler Wright comes first to mind along with Brazil’s Filipe Toledo. He will be heading to Teahupo’o in days after taking the year off to recover from mental health. The world will, of course, be rallying in his corner. Wishing for the greatest sport story of all-time to manifest in front of our very eyes.

I’m with them and if dang rabid seals get in the way….

… ugh.

I’ll, of course, be covering all the action from Paris and will be overjoyed to entertain any and all rabid athletes here. Foie gras, I feel, a sort of dark age’d antidote.

More as the story develops.

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Developing: Paris 2024 officials force gold medal favourite to remove Christ the Redeemer graphic from surfboards

"It's very frustrating to be excluded from representing my home country... simply because of my religious identity."

In a turbo-charged example of France’s secular laws, or Laïcité as they call it, French Olympic officials have banned all explicit religious symbols from the Paris 2024 Games.

And, in the case of Brazil’s João Chianca, one of the gold medal favourites at Teahupoo, he’s been told to remove his Christ the Redeemer graphic from his quiver of Channel Islands shooters.

“I just received the news that painting is not authorized at the Olympic Games because Christ is a religious figure,” said Chianca. “And the games have strict rules and focus on total neutrality.”

Christ the Redeemer, if y’didn’t know, is that one-hundred-foot statue of Jesus Christ, with the disgraced rabbi’s arms outstretched, built atop Corcovado mountain in Rio de Janeiro.

 

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A post shared by João Chianca (@joaochumbinho)

French secularism has real long roots stretching back to the French Revolution of 1789 when the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen proclaimed the freedom of religious opinion.

A couple of hundred years later, the Law on the Separation of the Churches and State was passed, establishing the separation of church and state in France. This law has been real important in French society ever since, ensuring that the state remains neutral in matters of religion.

It means no crucifix necklaces in school and, theoretically at least, no gals in hijabs strolling into classrooms. Obviously, it’s a pretty paper thin rule.

A little aside: my kids were educated in the French system and one of ‘em had to cover his skate tee which featured a cross. But, then, one of the sub teachers got around in a pretty LVT hijab.

Go figure, as they say.

The ban has hit one of France’s star basketball players, French Muslim Diaba Konate told she couldn’t wear her hijab during the Games.

“Despite my desire and skills, I’m… not actually allowed to play for France because of discriminatory policies,” the 24-year-old told France24.

“It’s very frustrating to be excluded from representing my home country… simply because of my religious identity,” said the athlete who has played on France’s national youth team and has a career in college basketball in the United States. I strongly believe that sports should be inclusive.”

The surfing takes place over four days in a 10-day window, from 27 July to 5 August.

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City almost bombed out of existence by Goring’s Luftwaffe opens Tom Lochtefeld-designed wave pool

And Italo Ferriera, world champ, gives an unforgettable show for Dutch surf fans! Handstands! Big spins!

What a wild ol history Rotterdam has, from its role as the port hub in the Dutch slave trade, shipping 600k Africans to the Americas in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, to having the hell bombed out of it by Göring’s superb Luftwaffe in the second existential world war.

And, now, right there in the centre of the joint is a Tom Lochtefeld-tech Surf Loch wavepool, the same buttons and switches and air pumps whatever else, used in the Palm Springs Surf Club, currently broken.

 

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A post shared by Italo Ferreira (@italoferreira)

Recently, Italo Ferreira, world champ five years ago and a dark horse to steal if off John John this year, showed the Dutch what it looks like when a man who surfs thrice a day and always with the furious clang of lips being hit, attacks it.

“Likely the best surfing that will ever be done in this pool,” Noa Flegel correctly points out.

If you’re in Rotterdam, click here to book a session.

It’s summer so the water ain’t so bad, 57 degrees or so, 14 degrees if you’re European, Australian etc.

 

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Billy Kemper (pictured) as handsome as he is brave. Photo: Futures Fins
Billy Kemper (pictured) as handsome as he is brave. Photo: Futures Fins

Thirsty surf fans rejoice as big wave champ Billy Kemper joins OnlyFans!

"Like delicately seasoned steak tartar..."

There is good news, there is great news and then there is the news that big wave champion Billy Kemper is joining OnlyFans. That sort of news that tilts the world on its very axis. The Maui raised Kemper, thirty-four, is known for his epic Jaws performances as well as his smoldering good looks and will certainly be a welcome addition to the popular internet subscription service.

Per the PR inquiry, Kemper “plans to use his platform on OnlyFans to share exclusive content around his training and also share his thoughts on the US Open competition.”

As thirsty surf fans know, the annual Huntington Beach bacchanal officially gets underway on August 5th. Long Beach’s Sublime will be headlining the musical portion of the show leading many to imagine another glorious riot to add to a long-ish list of glorious riots.

Fun.

Back to Kemper, though, as a four-time Jaws winner, his insight into the competitive nuts and bolts of Huntington Beach, its bathymetry etc. will be more than welcome. Do you have a horse in that race or will you be mainly focused on the Olympics, which just so happen to be running concurrently?

I am in Paris covering the Games, as you know, just down the street from the USA House, as it happens. I heard a rumor that victorious surfers will be flown the 10,000 from Tahiti to the City of Light and I very much look forward to showing them around. I’ve already discovered a favorite bistro that Vahine Fierro and Joao Chianca will undoubtedly enjoy. Those are my picks for gold, by the way. Silvers will go to John John Florence and Brisa Hennessy. Bronzes to Jack Robinson and Molly Picklum.

Back to the bistro, though, I had the most delicate steak tartar of my life and foie gras that, truly, inspired. Any of the above Olympians will relish twice as much as they will have been eating poisson cru, only, for the past two weeks.

Like wandering through the maze of OnlyFans and stumbling upon Billy Kemper.

Inspired.

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Australian photographer rescued at Teahupoo, Tahiti
Photographers Angelo Faraire and Ryan Craig rescue fellow shooter Byron Mcloughlin at Teahupoo. | Photo: @timmckenna

Tragedy strikes Teahupoo ahead of Paris 2024 games after Australian surf photographer pulled unconscious from water

"As soon as you think you have Mother Ocean all figured out, she will quickly humble you and remind you that you are at her mercy entirely.”

Dramatic scenes from Teahupoo yesterday afternoon after a teenage Australian surf photographer was pulled from the water unconscious in heavy eight-foot surf. 

The Santa Cruz photographer Ryan Craig and local bodyboarder Angelo Fararie dragged Australian Byron Mcloughlin from the water after he floated by the pair face down.

Nineeten-year-old Mclouhglin, who was shooting the action from an inflatable bodyboard, had been sucked over the falls on an earlier set and had ended up in the lagoon. The former tour surfer Michel Bourez went in to pick him up and brought him back to the channel. 

He went back into the lineup to shoot and thirty minutes later was found face down during a lull. When Mcloughlin was flipped over his lips were blue and he was foaming at the mouth. 

He was rushed to hospital where he was put into an induced coma.

It isn’t the Australian’s first brush with disaster in the surf.

Two years ago, Mcloughlin describes nearly drowning at Padang Padang in Bali after a marathon six-hour shoot.

“I knew I was in trouble I still had no local knowledge of this place as it was my first time here. It was getting darker and darker and I decided to scream out for help,” he told The Inertia.

The story continues:

Two South African surfers came to his aid,  paddling while he held onto their surfboard leashes. But with no fins on his feet to help with kicking and a heavy camera housing, McLoughlin felt like he was making them tow dead weight. He was tired, it was dark, and two strangers were risking their lives to make sure he wouldn’t be in danger. McLoughlin admits at this point he thought the worst might happen and he considered dropping his camera, but the group came up with another plan instead. One surfer paddled in to get help while the other waited with him. Almost an hour later they saw lights and heard whistles.

“We just waited for the tide to go back up a bit and then with quick thinking the guy decided to take my camera, give me his board to lie down on, and catch a wave in while he left his board leash on his leg,” he describes. “It was basically a tandem wave.”

He adds, “I remember panicking a lot, telling them both, we need to call for proper help — police, ambulance etc. But they kept reminding me where I was — Padang Padang — everything is on a cliff here. No one can get a boat or a jet ski down here.”

They finally made it back with a battered camera, a handful of reef cuts, and some valuable reminders for McLoughlin.

“Your mindset in that situation and your ability to stay calm and collected as the beatings and hold-downs keep coming and coming…that will determine whether or not you become a statistic or simply have a harrowing story to tell the guys later on,” he says. “As soon as you think you have Mother Ocean all figured out, she will quickly humble you and remind you that you are at her mercy entirely.”

 

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