"For days like these, a functional beach wagon is an essential piece of the puzzle."

“The Inertia gonna Inertia” has long been shorthand for the law “a kook at rest remains at rest, and a kook in motion remains in motion at constant speed and in a straight line generally on a soft-topped surfboard unless acted on by an unbalanced force of local rage. The acceleration of a kook depends on the mass of the kook and the volume in the soft-topped surfboard but also the amount of gear brought to the beach which may include a changing poncho, pop tent, rinse kit, mat to stand upon whilst using rinse kit, wide-brimmed surf hat, etc.” and a fine shorthand it is.

The adult learner’s go-to website for all things involuntarily celibate was thought to have reached “Peak Inertia” some two years ago when it launched a speaker series called EVOLVE which featured “powerful short films and panels that pair thought-leaders from different spheres of surf and outdoor culture to tackle our most pressing topics to mobilize innovators as a force for good.”

Thought-leaders.

Months ago, the website re-scaled “Peak Inertia” in a gear guide which included all-important surf wax after the writer’s important discovery.

“When I first started, I was surfing my home break in Santa Monica,” he wrote, “I was having trouble staying on my board while paddling out, while sitting in the lineup, and also while trying to paddle into waves. My board felt like an ice rink. Finally, somebody decided to spare me and bestowed this tip upon me: ‘Yo — you need to wax your board.’”

Like Mt. Everest’s famous crown, it was wonderful to revisit though the look, the feel, were roughly the same.

Surf media watchers were, therefore, stunned when, hours ago, The Inertia reached heretofore uncharted territory, and entirely new and even higher “Peak Inertia” that had previously been obscured by fog and stupidity in a sweeping “beach wagon” review.

Per the piece:

When daytime hours get longer and the mercury level climbs, it can only mean one thing: extended beach days with toes in the sand and butt in a chair soaking up the sun with friends and family. These are the days we live for, but the major downside of these magical moments coming together is the schlep. That is, getting everything you need (and want) for the day into the car and down to the beach. This goes double when the cargo includes small humans. For days like these, a functional beach wagon is an essential piece of the puzzle.

Schlep.

The best all-around beach wagon was the Radio Flyer Beach and Boardwalk Wagon which had “canopy for shade, folds fairly flat and stands upright, arm for beach chair storage” though was not ideal for kids under 18-months of age.

Amazing and with the new discovery surf media watchers are wondering if there is somehow, somewhere, even a higher peak. If there is, will The Inertia’s daring staff make use of the famously dexterous schlepas with the climb or will they trust fate and the bravery of those who went before?

Exciting days.

"Not very woke of you to treat the log gals with so much disrespect in regards to pay..."

The sun rose upon the surfing landscape that looked vastly different from when it set a mere ten-ish hours ago. Florida governor Ron DeSantis has officially thrown his Ron Jon surf cap into the presidential ring vowing to “Make America Cocoa Beach.” Across the country in bleak Santa Monica, The World Surf League’s Chief Financial Officer, and multiple others, have allegedly been relieved of their duties even in a season of “unprecedented growth.” And, the world’s most decorated longboarder, living legend, Joel Tudor is, officially, once again allowed to wear the World Surf League singlet in competition and will do so at the upcoming Coastal Edge Steel Pier Classic in lovely Virginia Beach, Virginia.

The World Surf League’s Chief of Social Media shared the news in giddy post on its sub-tier lightly trafficked wsl.qs account reading, “Three-time WSL Longboard Champion @joeljitsu is back! The Coastal Edge Steel Pier Classic pres. by Katin begins May 27 – 29.”

Left out of the message is where Tudor was before coming back.

Which just so happened to be the World Surf League’s brutal and craven “Suspension Dungeon” where professional surfers are forced to not surf professionally, or at least not in any sanctioned events, and instead use their time to ponder how their negative deeds and/or thoughts have no place anywhere but especially not as they relate to the World Surf League and its performative pandering socially, environmentally, culturally, other.

The 46-year-old San Diegan was “suspended following conduct detrimental to the integrity of the WSL per the WSL Rule Book, which includes the violation of the following provisions: sportsmanlike conduct (14.02), damage to surfing’s image (14.04), and verbal assault (14.08).”

That “conduct” began after rumors floated of a major slash to the longboarding world tour to which Tudor replied specifically to World Surf League Chief Executive Erik Logan and its Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer, “Yo @wsl @jessmileydyer @elo_eriklogan can y’all explain this kind of equality? Not very woke of you to treat the log gals with so much disrespect in regards to pay? It’s kinda clear on your own Instagram which style is more favored by your audience! Urging all log gals , parents & friends to write the @wsl asking why this is still happening….also they are planning on canceling the longboard tour to a one event stop! Hit em up , post about it & make some noise to make things right!! Awoooooooooo!”

Miley-Dyer clapped back with, “Hello everyone. I wanted to address a post that our 2021 Men’s Longboard champion made on his IG account yesterday that was both inaccurate and misleading related to the WSL’s approach to equality. Joel created confusion and called into question whether female athletes competing on the Longboard Tour receive equal prize money. It is important that you know, and that you hear directly from me, that we take great pride in the fact that our male and female longboard athletes all receive equal prize money.”

To which Tudor, not backing down, responded, “(They) want to run this fake shit about equality and inclusiveness. Don’t be a bunch of fucking phonies.”

And down he went for reprogramming.

But will you tune in and cheer the champ’s return or will you, instead, continue to worry about the jiu-jitsu blackbelt? Like, has he been broken by his dungeon time? Will he only say positive happy things about the World Surf League and its various chiefs (save the chief financial officer) or will he use the Coastal Edge Steel Pier Classic to bash away once more and carry professional longboarding to the lofty heights it so richly deserves?

More, certainly, as the story develops.

The momentum of the Championship Tour, the World Surf League and professional surfing is... uh oh.

Shockwaves are currently reverberating throughout the surf universe this evening, stunned faces, stuttering mouths dribbling the creamed corn they were trying to enjoy for dinner, as, moments ago, a rumor surfaced suggesting the World Surf League has laid off its Chief Financial Officer and multiple others mere hours away from the Surf Ranch Pro kickoff.

Sources close to the levers of power in the World Surf League’s Santa Monica offices have shared that the devastating job destructions were entirely unexpected and ruthlessly executed though the Chief Executive Erik Logan and the Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer remain safe.

For now.

But the Chief Financial Officer, and multiple others, are through. Entirely surprising seeing as just months ago, Logan stood before a vast audience of hundreds and declared, “We have not even had the biggest day in pro surfing yet and we’ve already eclipsed some of the most amazing milestones we’ve seen in the history of the sport. Already this has been the most consumed live digital audience in the history of professional surfing before this day has ever happened. We’re up 13.4%, precisely, we like precise numbers. We’re ahead of that before the biggest day in professional surfing. The momentum of the Championship Tour, the World Surf League and professional surfing is real.”

He later declared, “This year will be a record-breaking revenue year for the history of professional surfing on a couple of different vectors. Not only in terms of revenue, but equally as important, in terms of a record number of partners that are on and how we’re seeing the renewals going down the road in terms of the partners re-signing. This is truly exciting.”

One of those partners was, of course, a regional Australian ladder company who signed on for the 2023 and 2024 seasons and very much looked forward to the continuation of the successful onsite activation. The “Bailey Ladders Leaderboard” was also greenlit for the live broadcast and across WSL’s social media channels.

“The WSL is happy to have Bailey Ladders increase their involvement to include the CT events in Australia for the next two years,” the World Surf League’s Australia-Pacific President Andrew Stark stated. “We had incredible feedback from fans onsite and watching from home on the Bailey Ladders Leaderboard. We look forward to continuing this activation across four events in 2023 and 24, both onsite and online. We’d like to thank them for their ongoing support and for seeing the value in professional surfing.”

Alas.

Neither vectors nor ladders were enough to stave off the hounds and the CFO, and multiple others, are now, allegedly, finished making dreams come true. But does this bit of quality gossip force you to pause and consider the overall health of professional surfing? The fortitude of its billionaire owner Dirk Ziff? The shared abilities/competence of Logan and Miley-Dyer?

Or does the bloodletting make you feel that sound business minds are prevailing? That Lee Iacocca has been reincarnated and doing painful but smart stuff that will allow professional surfing to soar like baby boomer years Ford?

Ahhh Lee Iacocca.

Did you ever read Talking Straight by Lee Iacocca?

Maybe now is the time.

Candles, anyhow, for the World Surf League’s ex Chief Financial Officer.