Raimana pin-drops off his board after securing tube ride for protege.

World’s best surf coach, described as human Viagra by supermodel Cindy Crawford. reveals miracle technique that guarantees beginner surfers as much tube time as Kelly Slater!

“He can get anyone up! Even me!”

A wealth of clips, lately, featuring absolute beginner surfers being gifted the sort of barrels others may never get even after a lifetime in the ocean.

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could imagine Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, who was raised by his grandparents and who was a bodyboarder until 1996, now earns his keep as the ultimate VAL surf coach at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch.

Raimana will surf behind the beginner, steadying them with his hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

A who’s who of surfing dived into his comments, including Shane Dorian (“Wow that’s fricken cool Mana!”) and DJ Fisher (“Epic”) to praise the Tahitian, a man who has been described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.

Crawford, whose career peaked in 1987 when she appeared alongside the other OG supermods Christy Turlington, Linda Evangalista and Naomi Campbell on British Vogue, described Raimana as “the Big Blue Pill. He can get anyone up! Even me!

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, flocked to Crawford’s comment pane, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

The stoke, as they say, is universal, as one commenter wrote.

“What an experience you and K12 have created for first time surfers, Raimana! You have created the ultimate experience for every surfer which is getting barreled and coming out of the tube. That is a priceless treasure you have created at the ranch. Every time I see these videos, I am inspired and cannot wait to get to the ranch someday! Raimana you are one of the best examples of O’hana and spreading the love of surfing!! God Bless!!”

Raimana has a long history of guiding and helping other surfers.

In an uncharacteristically generous profile for The Surfer’s Journal Chas Smith wrote,

“To the uninitiated, the professional surf life is two very disparate things at once; free and structured. It is the vast oceanic playground sans the traditional “stick and ball” rules-based ethos. It is also a business where talents are groomed according to a specific, painstakingly followed, code. This happens, of course, every winter on Oahu’s North Shore. Young charges are sent into homes owned and operated by the surf brands. There they learn where to paddle out, when to paddle out, what boardshorts to wear with what t-shirt, who to talk to and when, etc. Strict guidance is surfing’s manna. The North Shore, however grand a social experiment as it is, is not the only school. Young charges get taught at contests, photoshoots, and when they travel to the middle of the South Pacific. It is, genuinely, a wonder that eighteen year old boys can even get to a place as remote as Teahupo’o to begin with. The nearest airport is an hour plus away, there are no hotels, real restaurants or infrastructure and the language, however buttery, can be a real barrier to entry. Its remoteness necessitates a Raimana. He feeds, ferries and looks after the future of the sport. He also, quietly, provides the best education they will ever receive, as it relates to surfing one of the heaviest waves on the planet and living well. And this combination makes him invaluable.

“I watch him while sipping on a lukewarm Hinano but watching Raimana’s spark I remember that without ambition there would be no refrigeration. Or colonization. And I hoist myself up to go speak with him, which is harder than it sounds. Raimana Van Bastolear is in demand. There is Quiksilver, and all the Quiksilver surfers, in one of his houses causing trouble and dreaming up schemes. There is a crew of seventy shooting a Visa commercial in one of his other houses. It stars Kolohe Andino, apparently, ordering pizza on a cellphone in a barrel. There is the Point Break production team, somewhere. There was Giselle Bundchen and a Chanel crew who just left. And there is the Billabong Pro coming in just five days and with it badly color blocked trucker hats and Red Bull.

“Raimana runs it all and that is why this pile of French rot at the end of a two-lane road is called Raimana World.”

Load Comments

L. Ron Hubbard and his baby boy look on approvingly. Photo: @shakira
L. Ron Hubbard and his baby boy look on approvingly. Photo: @shakira

Freshly single Shakira delights fans by captioning “incredible surfing skill video” with cryptic L. Ron Hubbard quote amidst Tom Cruise romance rumors!

"If there are no waves we make them!"

Shakira is, without a doubt, surfing’s most endearing celebrity. The Colombian chanteuse, who embraced our Sport of Queens only a fear years back, wastes no opportunity to “ride the waves” whenever, wherever she can. She has included surfing in music videos, raves about new wave pool technologies and even used the cathartic properties of “shred life’ to soothe her broken heart.

That last bit of silver lining came courtesy of Spanish football stud Gerard Pique. The two had been married for nearly a decade when he apparently cheated and blew the whole business right up.

Shakira retreated to the coast and now has retreated all the way to Miami where, weeks ago, rumors began percolating that Tom Cruise was “extremely interested” in a coupling.

The 60-year-old major movie star could be just what the 3-time Grammy Award winner needs, as Pique has gone “Instagram Official” with his new gal Chia Marti in recent days.

Cruise even put some moves on at the Miami F1 stop though Shakira played coquettish and, according to The Daily Mail, “begged” the Top Gun Maverick to “stop flirting.”

Now, though, Shakira is surfing again, wowing fans with her “incredible skill” and also delighting them by captioning her shared video with a cryptic L. Ron Hubbard quote.

The Spanish “Si no hay olas se hacen!” roughly translates to “If there are no waves we make them!” in English and can be found in the Scientology founder’s 1956 classic “The Fundamentals of Thought.”

Cruise is, of course, a public adherent of the religious movement which also just so happens to have its international offices in Clearwater, Florida.

I tried to enter, once, but was harshly rejected by a doorman then followed down the street by 20-sometimes wearing light blue polo shirts and khaki pants. They used walkie-talkies to note my movement and then glared when I drove away even though I just wanted some literature.

Candles lit, anyhow, for Cruise and Shakira. A match made in Xenu.

Load Comments

The Silver Bullet at Pipe.

Tributes pour in for Pipeline charger who popularised helmets at the deadly Hawaiian wave, “He had a silver board, a silver helmet and became the Silver Bullet!”

"He got a 10, a 9.9 and a 9.8 all in the same Pipe Masters heat. Legendary performance in big waves too.” 

The 1990 Pipeline Master Liam McNamara, along with three-time winner Tom Carroll and decorated Pipe charger Strider Wasilewski, have led tributes and shared stories of the Japanese surfer Naohisa Ogawa, who has died of cancer. 

McNamara wrote of his pal of thirty years, 

“For everyone out there to know Nao was a part of the crew of goofy foot helmet wearing Japanese chargers in the late 80s early 90s and into the 2000s! Takayuki Wakita Atsushi Imamura and Naohisa Ogawa were the 3 samurai helmet wearing kamakaze pilots for a couple decades! They pushed each other to a crazy level! All 3 would post up deep deep at my peak

“The Wakita peak!! 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Liam Mcnamara (@liam__mcnamara)

“So many crazy waves ridden no one could really tell them apart as they  all charged so hard!! Small in stature but big balls and true honor and respect for everybody! Nao had a silver board and a silver helmet and became the “Silver Bullet”Nao was the most genuine soft spoken respectful guy you would ever meet! He would also smile at you and say hi in or out of the water. He competed in the Pipeline Masters over a dozen times getting 10 point rides making a name out out that heaviest wave on the planet!” 

The Hawaiian-based Australian photographer Sean Davey recalled Ogawa’s epic heat in the Pipe Masters. 

“I recall the year that the Pipemasters was invitational. If memory serves me correctly, Naohisa got a 10, a 9.9 and a 9.8 all in the same heat. Legendary performance in big waves too.” 

Load Comments

The relatively to harmless to humans blacktip reef shark ends its days on a New Smyrna beach with a knife in its head.

“Mass-triggering” of animal lovers after shaka-throwing fishermen execute shark in front of beachgoers, “All kids in high school should have to visit a slaughter house to see how animals are processed!”

"This is a dick measuring contest to perform masculinity."

Two fisherthems, as the noted chanteuse Sam Smith would call them, have come under fire after killing a beached shark with a knife through the brain, ignoring the leas of shocked onlookers who had offered to drag the fish back into the ocean.

In the minute-long clip posted to Twitter, we see two men dragging a blacktip reef shark up the beautiful New Myrna beach sands as Mariana Sabogal, who filmed the event on her telephone, protests.

“Can you put it back?” she says.

“You put it back!” says one of the men.

“We will! I’m not a vegetarian. You should not be doing that with animals. Please do not do anything to it. Please do not do anything.”

One man picks up a knife and plunges it into the rough location of the fish’s brain, which is just behind the eyes although it doesn’t die instantly suggesting a missed shot.

“It’s legal harvest!” he says. “There’s nothing you can do!”

“Why are you doing that?” asks Mariana.

“Because it’s natural!”

“Are you fucking insane, honestly,” she says. “Are you enjoying this?”

“No, I’m taking this to eat. “

Shortly after the ruckus, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission released a statement that read in part,“It is common practice for anglers to euthanize sharks after landing for ethical and safety concerns. This video is not currently under investigation as no violation of state law regarding the method of harvest occurred.”

One man’s euthanasia is another’s execution, of course.

“There’s a lot of things that are legal, but they are not morally right,” said Mariana.

Bit of back and forthing in the comments with many readers correctly pointing out that the method of dispatching a shark ain’t no different to what is dealt to millions of delightful sea creatures every day, including the wildly intelligent octopus.

Others not thrilled.

“This is a dick measuring contest to perform masculinity.”

Where do you stand on this matter?

I swing both ways.

Load Comments

Bodyboarder feels the chilly breath of a surfboard on his neck!

Graphic: Legrope debate explodes after man almost dies at Californian big-wave hotspot The Wedge! “This surfer is lucky to be alive!”

Feel the chilly breath of the engine of slaughter upon your neck!

The ol’ leash-or-no-leash debate has exploded following the near-scalping of a bodyboarder at The Wedge, Newport Beach’s mutant cross-wave that takes a south swell hitting the rock wall and creates “a titanic slingshot that breaks with enough pounds per square inch to send Stone Cold Steve Austin to the mat.”

In a clip posted on YouTube shorts by the world’s most famous redhead Jamie O’Brien, an almost-forty-year-old vlogger from Pipeline Beach on Oahu, we see the bodyboarder going right against the prevailing traffic, before the axe of the dreaded engine of slaughter almost lands upon his neck; enough to feel its chilling breath.

Of course, the man being a bodyboarder fed into a long-held prejudice about riders of the little foam crafts.

“That’s not a surfer. Thats a boog.”

“Sponger. Not surfer. There’s a difference.”

“Less body boarders the better lol.”

“That’s not a surfer. He’s a bellyboarder.”

“That’s not a surfer, that’s a boogie boarder!”

Etc.

Which begs the question, are bodyboarders people too and are therefore endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness?

Or no?

I think yes! Some of my best friends etc.

Load Comments