"Any surfer who is evolved is going to end up foiling..."

Is there any surfer worth more salt than Laird Hamilton? I dare you to find me one. King Triton has made a home in the sea, riding a variety of crafts along the way from ski boot tow boards, Oxbow longboards, windsurfboards, mid-lengths, stand-up paddleboards and foils.

Of the latter, the surf deity just made the brazen, even controversial, claim that it is the “highest evolution of surfing.”

In a to-camera bit interlaced with moving images of the demigod riding swell on a foil, Hamilton continues, “Any surfer who is evolved is going to end up foiling. If you don’t than you’re stagnating. Because there are only two things happening in life. You are either going down or you are going up. So choose one.”

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Well?

What do you think about that?

I don’t know if I back the zero sum “either going up or going down” bit of this. I like to think of life as a long plateau where you reach stasis, sit back with a little serving of foie gras, a healthy pour of chilled Sancerre and gaze into the middle distance for a few decades, at the very least.

Yes, it’s a good life on the continent and I would like to challenge Hamilton to a lifestyle duel. It will be like John Henry versus the machine. In this version, Laird is the machine and I am John Henry. He is out there cold plunging, pool training and foiling. I’m sitting in the sun at a Parisien sidewalk bistro (2nd, 4th or 6th arr.) asking for one more healthy pour of chill Sancerre while actively helping others quitting surfing.

Who is more evolved now?

More as the story develops.

Bud Light, meanwhile, continues staggering fall.

When one thinks of Kelly Slater, the 11x world surf champion, him liking and/or drinking beer is not the first thing that pops to mind. The 54-year-old has been public about his dislike of strong drink. The great surf scribe Jamie Brisick even went so far as to call him “dangerously sober.”

Slater openly states that his position initially came from his mother, who, “…was like, ‘Look around you.’ She said, ‘I’ll be surprised if you ever see anyone who’s successful who’s an alcoholic or does drugs. It just doesn’t lead anywhere good. Put your energy into what you love.’” That stuck in Slater’s head and he’s lived his life sober. The equation is easy. If you think drugs and alcohol are going to help you get better at what you do, good luck… but it’s not going to happen.”

You can imagine, then, the shock when, six years ago, the father of almost two made a very public statement that he, in fact, likes beer. Slater can be seen paddling into the horizon with a bevy of others crooning “roll out the barrel and lend me your ears…”

Well, that beer he likes, Michelob Ultra, has slungshot off that endorsement all the way into the second most popular in the United States of America, leapfrogging the still-staggering Bud Light.

You will recall, the buzzsaw Bud Light waltzed into almost one year ago by putting the face of trans darling Dylan Mulvaney on a can which led to Kid Rock shooting up a case of suds which led to a boycott etc.

These being the culture war days of our lives.

Bud Light, in any case, is enjoyed 6.5% of the American public, Slater’s Michelob Ultra sipped by 7.3% and Mexico’s Modelo slugged the most, a whopping 9.7%.

But do you think that Rip Curl is sweating the tumble? You will also remember when the Australian wetsuit brand came under fire for celebrating trans surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson though very quickly erasing the support then apologizing. Breaths certainly being held in Torquay.

Slater, anyhow, never controversial.

A rocket to riches.

Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, likely ready to call the police.

Surf fans gathered in the public square dropped jaws in shock, hours ago, after premium surf website Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, brought the humble Album Surfboards out in stocks and openly declared that the San Clemente artisan “never stops complaining” and, thus, delivering a hearty paternalistic spank to the bottom.

Album, you see, had been left out of the lightly anticipated Electric Acid Surfboard Test, and merely informed its followers of the fact.

But Stab, Father and Sovereign over Foam Carvers, took great umbrage to the insolence and branded Album a serial grouse.

Well-advised to take the beating and scurry off, Album decided to humbly offer an explanation, declaring, “Only complained once about having to send a 7’0″ gun to the Maldives for Mick Fanning. Completely in the past. Good on you for celebrating up-and-coming shapers; we can’t wait to watch.”

Stab, Ruler and King of Passive Aggressitvity, has yet to respond to the direct challenge but will certainly come down extremely aggressively, passively.

A junior high girl, certainly, being consulted for the best way to claw back.

Or worse.

Album should consider itself lucky if the Orange County Sheriff Department isn’t at its doorstep come morning.

They have been called, by Stab, for much lesser offenses. 

It might get still worse, however.

More as the story develops.