Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, likely ready to call the police.
Surf fans gathered in the public square dropped jaws in shock, hours ago, after premium surf website Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, brought the humble Album Surfboards out in stocks and openly declared that the San Clemente artisan “never stops complaining” and, thus, delivering a hearty paternalistic spank to the bottom.
Album, you see, had been left out of the lightly anticipated Electric Acid Surfboard Test, and merely informed its followers of the fact.
But Stab, Father and Sovereign over Foam Carvers, took great umbrage to the insolence and branded Album a serial grouse.
Well-advised to take the beating and scurry off, Album decided to humbly offer an explanation, declaring, “Only complained once about having to send a 7’0” gun to the Maldives for Mick Fanning. Completely in the past. Good on you for celebrating up-and-coming shapers; we can’t wait to watch.”
Stab, Ruler and King of Passive Aggressitvity, has yet to respond to the direct challenge but will certainly come down extremely aggressively, passively.
A junior high girl, certainly, being consulted for the best way to claw back.
Or worse.
Album should consider itself lucky if the Orange County Sheriff Department isn’t at its doorstep come morning.
They have been called, by Stab, for much lesser offenses.
It might get still worse, however.
More as the story develops.
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Josh Kerr left and copied. Sales are slow in Australia with calls of “Too expensive”.
Hipsters gotta pay 💰
Don’t know what’s worse; Stab or Beach Grit 🤣
Depends on your taste! Do you like the flavor of surfer dic…. Oh never mind.
I watched the Dane one and he looked so sad trying to ride a fleet of bad surfboards.
Any minute now Maurice is going to come in a tell his story about shaping a board for JBay and having it surfed in mush!
Album shmalbum
I’m sticking with Tigers
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Anthony Burgess knew his shit…
Does this mean we all get discounted Albums? Special BG ‘we’re not Stab’ morning price?
We all remember that first time Chas taught Ashton how to throw journalistic hand grenades
https://youtu.be/x10eF7JrDic?si=kIlTyLzE7lomHZ_t
Album surfboards occupy the same space as hypto cryptos. I’ve seen footage of pros ripping on them but every time I see one in person they can’t surf.
Same with Chris Christenson. Kinda funny because Eric is clearly not as successful as his brother but I actually see guys who can surf that are on Eric’s boards.
It’s the Indian, not the arrow
Yeah for sure.
I’ve never bought a board from Channel Islands but I’ve had 5 or so Mayhems over the years. I still have a subdriver that I like a lot. But as someone who mostly surfs between Malibu and Lowers I see a lot more no name guys ripping on CI’s than losts.
I have yet to see a person rip on a Firewire in real life
Best board I ever owned was a 1970s’ Donald Takayama fish. My dad got while living in Hawaii during that era.
Anyway, my newly driver licensed twat friend in HS accidentally backed his mom’s Grand Cherokee over it (the tail & fins) while backing out of my driveway after dropping me off after a surf. I sometimes weep when I think about how much it might be worth now.
The golf industry thrives on people’s willful ignorance of this fact. Every year millions of easy marks and slow adults run to their local Golf Galaxy for the exciting opportunity to shell out $799.99 (again) to TaylorMade/Titleist/etc for the new version of the very same driver they bought last year. And almost none of them will ever realize that it’s the abortion they call a swing that’s causing their 185 yard banana slice into the jungle drive.
Need to change your name to Golf Coach!
I used to jump around to lots of different surfboard models partly bc of the marketing. For the last few years I’ve stuck with two boards and ridden the hell out of them. It’s way more predictable and my surfing has improved. Refine one or two models and F the marketing.
Yup. Been there too. And I know it’s cynical to declare it all a marketing gimmick, but it all mostly is. That doesn’t mean there isn’t some truly great innovation still happening, there is. But the larger issue is that many people would rather attempt to buy skills rather than refine them through learning how to properly swing a club or surf a wave. We’re all guilty of it to one degree or another. And the market caters to our foolish desire. But the fact remains: give a pro golfer a set of Walmart clubs and he’ll make them look top tier. And give Josh Kerr an 8 fin carbon fiber ironing board and he’ll make it look fun and rippable.
Groveller, shortboard, step up. Stick with the shaper and keep tweeking it.
Exactly
It can be both. If the indian tries to shoot a spear from his bow, it isn’t going to work.
Never watched an episode of electric acid but I do like a slab or 2
Allbummed
Feels very on brand for Stab to call out a shaper such as Album from behind the thin veil of an internet keyboard.
Album started it with his “I’ve been getting many DMs about
my skincare routinethe Electric Acid Surfboard Test”Fire it up Jenny boo! 🔥
love the “can’t wait to watch” slap at the end of his retort.
album may take the throne and become the new “King of Passive Aggressitvity”.
I didn’t get through that one either
I saw some of the Mick and some of the Manners but yeah too many variables
Maybe Chas and Ashole can video a circle jerk together, put it on Only Fans, make about $.50 in side change. That way we can stop reading about said circle jerks.
Hey leave the Circle Jerks outta this! Also Bad Brains, Minor Threat, Adolescents, etc shirts him and Biolis always want to be seen in.
Please note that I did use capitalization excluding them from the shitshow. Nor do I plan to bring, Black Flag, DI, Buzzcocks, Descendents, DK, or Vandals into it.
Duly noted my good Barrelled.
I couldn’t even get through the last EAST with Manners and didn’t understand those longer boards on Mick’s. No chance those would win or fit the waves he was surfing.
Its time Charles De Smith stands up to those overlording Stab Magazine guys. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
what about Inspector Clouseau?
We haven’t reached the opening ceremony, more to come.
need to paintshop that dick onto his neck, or whatever it is.
jump the shark in the dark
Album doesn’t need Stab, more like the other way around. How big does Album want to be? How many ghost shaped USD$1,500 hipster fishes does it need to sell to ‘succeed’? The Asher Margo Bernardo team is the most watchable in surfing. Isn’t that enough?
I miss Margo on a white HP blade.
I just want a used one.
I dunno. I’d rather see Margo on a beefed up thruster.
I’d watch him surf anything
and you left out the gnarliest of them all… Clay Marzo the freakiest of wave freaks on the planet.
Stab in the ‘bum.
Xox
Stab like that collection of pompous jocks in high school. Occasionally do some decent stuff on the field but otherwise insufferable.
They taught me how to dry out my wetsuit.
I learned to set mine on fire from Transworld Surf…
Sounds like a Fire Sale
When Quiksilver dumped Parrish as their Hawaii rep and brought in Moncata, one of their team riders loaded up garbage bags full of quickies, flew to California, went to Quik Corporate, poured the bags out in the middle of the parking lot and set them on fire, then waited for Bob to look out the window, gave him double barrel middle fingers and walked away.
so the story goes.
BG taught me how to piss in it hungover after two long blacks and throw it in the wetty bucket for further marinating.
Xox
…and at all times easily disregarded.