Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, likely ready to call the police.

Surf fans gathered in the public square dropped jaws in shock, hours ago, after premium surf website Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, brought the humble Album Surfboards out in stocks and openly declared that the San Clemente artisan “never stops complaining” and, thus, delivering a hearty paternalistic spank to the bottom.

Album, you see, had been left out of the lightly anticipated Electric Acid Surfboard Test, and merely informed its followers of the fact.

But Stab, Father and Sovereign over Foam Carvers, took great umbrage to the insolence and branded Album a serial grouse.

Well-advised to take the beating and scurry off, Album decided to humbly offer an explanation, declaring, “Only complained once about having to send a 7’0″ gun to the Maldives for Mick Fanning. Completely in the past. Good on you for celebrating up-and-coming shapers; we can’t wait to watch.”

Stab, Ruler and King of Passive Aggressitvity, has yet to respond to the direct challenge but will certainly come down extremely aggressively, passively.

A junior high girl, certainly, being consulted for the best way to claw back.

Or worse.

Album should consider itself lucky if the Orange County Sheriff Department isn’t at its doorstep come morning.

They have been called, by Stab, for much lesser offenses. 

It might get still worse, however.

More as the story develops.

"Put you in a couple times, never stopped complaining. Thought we'd give the opportunity to someone else."

Stab Magazine, fondée 20something, has long been a innovative pioneer in the surf media space. From colorful comics to double covers (one side of the issue featuring surf, the other fashion) to coffee table books to award-winning Fred Pawle journalism to explosive Mick Fanning controversy to beloved video installments, surf fans have been wildly entertained.

Concerning the latter, Stab began its Stab in the Dark series which transformed the once-nebbish shaper into a rich and famous bon vivant. Note …Lost surfboard’s Matt Biolos before fame…

…and after fame…

Yes, the shaper has flourished madly, winning awards and even being treated to a second Stab in the Dark called The Electric Surfboard Acid Test wherein less traditional models are explored by a professional surfer of note.

And this is where our trouble begins. Stab staffers, enjoying the raw power of kingmaking,  have taken on an extremely paternal tone when it comes to shapers getting out of line. If any dare challenge the opinion of the premium subscription blog, the wooden spoon is retrieved from the proverbial drawer and the offending craftsman publicly spanked.

But let us take the case of Matt Parker and crew at Album surfboards. The San Clemente-based design genius has seen his star rise faster than maybe any other shaper in the past five years. Album boasts wildly innovative yet gorgeous boards, a stable of ridiculously talented riders and a reputation second to none. Parker is humble, hard-working and talented, though was not invited to participate in this year’s Acid Test.

Taking to Instagram Threads, the Album team simply informed his community “FYI we’re not in the Electric Acid Surfboard Test.” A curious passerby asked, “Why not?”

“We don’t make those calls,” Album responded.

Smelling the audacity of any challenge whatsoever, Stab, dressed in its most passive-aggressive dad pants, snorted, “Put you in a couple times, never stopped complaining. Thought we’d give the opportunity to someone else.”

Take that, I guess, Album.

And let any other shaper who happens to be reading learn the lesson, too, or else feel the chilly wrath of Ashton Goggans’ replacement.

"One of Nicolas Cage's best performances ever."

The forecast for Teahupo’o, as you now know, is little and, thus, a cavalcade of new surf enthusiasts marching into lineups around the world after being inspired by brazen performances at the “End of the Road,” likely, not to happen. A relief, certainly, though as a surf fan, I was looking forward to watching Joao Chianca, John John Florence, Vahine Fierro and Tatiana Weston-Webb putting on a show. Looking forward to Filipe Toledo trembling in the wrong spot, “missing” waves.

But, again, a sacrifice very much worth accidental inspiration. The Covid-19 surf participation pandemic was enough for a lifetime.

And more thrill, today, for those who wish for those who don’t surf to not start. The much-lauded Nicolas Cage vehicle “The Surfer” has just sold to Lionsgate Entertainment (American Psycho, John Wick franchise etc.) and Roadside Attractions (Dear White People, The Alpinist etc.) for an undisclosed sum. Premiering at Cannes, critics praised the “stunning visual experience with an incredible palette.” Cage’s acting is also being celebrated as “one of his best performances ever.”

The story, you also now know, follows a man who returns to the idyllic beach of his childhood in Australia to surf with his son. But, according to the official logline, “he is humiliated by a group of powerful locals and drawn into a conflict that rises with the punishing heat of the summer and pushes him right to his breaking point.”

Though it reads like the Erik Logan story, it is not.

Compare.

Nicolas Cage in “The Surfer.”

Erik Logan in “The ‘Surfer.'”

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erik Logan (@elo_eriklogan)

See?

Entirely different in both tone and style.

While you are here, though, can you tell me why Logan is spruiking wires so hard? Did he just buy stock in big wire?

Currently more questions than anwers.