Nicolas Cage (pictured) in other masterpiece Raising Arizona.
Nicolas Cage (pictured) in other masterpiece Raising Arizona.

Nicolas Cage surf masterpiece sells to studios famous for American Psycho, Dear White People and John Wick!

"One of Nicolas Cage's best performances ever."

The forecast for Teahupo’o, as you now know, is little and, thus, a cavalcade of new surf enthusiasts marching into lineups around the world after being inspired by brazen performances at the “End of the Road,” likely, not to happen. A relief, certainly, though as a surf fan, I was looking forward to watching Joao Chianca, John John Florence, Vahine Fierro and Tatiana Weston-Webb putting on a show. Looking forward to Filipe Toledo trembling in the wrong spot, “missing” waves.

But, again, a sacrifice very much worth accidental inspiration. The Covid-19 surf participation pandemic was enough for a lifetime.

And more thrill, today, for those who wish for those who don’t surf to not start. The much-lauded Nicolas Cage vehicle “The Surfer” has just sold to Lionsgate Entertainment (American Psycho, John Wick franchise etc.) and Roadside Attractions (Dear White People, The Alpinist etc.) for an undisclosed sum. Premiering at Cannes, critics praised the “stunning visual experience with an incredible palette.” Cage’s acting is also being celebrated as “one of his best performances ever.”

The story, you also now know, follows a man who returns to the idyllic beach of his childhood in Australia to surf with his son. But, according to the official logline, “he is humiliated by a group of powerful locals and drawn into a conflict that rises with the punishing heat of the summer and pushes him right to his breaking point.”

Though it reads like the Erik Logan story, it is not.

Compare.

Nicolas Cage in “The Surfer.”

Erik Logan in “The ‘Surfer.'”

See?

Entirely different in both tone and style.

While you are here, though, can you tell me why Logan is spruiking wires so hard? Did he just buy stock in big wire?

Currently more questions than anwers.

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Shark Watch and Frieda Zamba.

Makers of iconic Shark watch suck bitter gall after being left off “best watches for surfing at the Olympics” list

"What does surfing even mean anymore?"

There was once a clear and easy way to identify a surfer when out on the streets or in a grocery store. By the fluorescent plastic square digital watch velcro’d to his, or her, wrist. Yes, bleached hair tips, Oakley Frogskins, Flojo sandals and Gotcha jams were all clues of a possible surf-based lifestyle but the Shark watch was the dead giveaway.

Every ripper who was any ripper rocked the Shark from Frieda Zamba to Mike Parsons to Kelly Slater to the rad kid who lived on 17th and rode a hot pink Haro.

Times change, of course, along with surfer style but the iconic timepiece held its place, recently appearing on the wrist of the aforementioned as he embraced Gabriel Medina.

Understandable, then, that the Freestyle team has a giant tummy ache this morning after sucking much bitter gall. World Tempus, you see, released its highly anticipated “best watches for surfing at the Olympic Games” guide and Shark was left completely off.

Included were the TAG Heuer Aquaracer 300 Professional Date, the IWC Schaffhausen Aquatimer Chronograph and the Ulysse Nardin Blast Moonstruck.

And, again, not included was Shark.

Do you have a Shark story that might be shared in order to soothe the belly?

How many did you wear at a time?

Zamba (pictured above) and the three stack is pretty peak.

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Special agent to protect US surf Olympians in Tahiti.
US Surf Olympians, including John John Florence and Carissa Moore, to have secret agent protection!

Surf Olympians John John Florence and Carissa Moore to have secret agent protection at Teahupoo

"It may feel like we're in paradise. But things can happen anywhere, even in paradise."

Hot on the heels of the Secret Service’s dramatic failure to stop a wild-eyed kid from blowing the head off a Trump supporter and almost killing ol blue eyes himself, a special agent has been employed to protract the US Olympic team at Teahupoo.

Wisconsin’s Mike Bjelajac, who is forty-six and from the State Department’s Diplomatic Security Service, a sister agency to the disgraced US Secret Service, will protect the US surf team, which includes John John Florence, Griffin Colapinto, Caity Simmers, reigning gold medallist Carissa Moore and the world champion Caroline Marks.

“It may feel like we’re in paradise. But things can happen anywhere, even in paradise,” Bjelajac told US Today, citing natural disasters, local pickpockets and Tahiti’s remoteness as potential problem areas.

Special attention will paid, one supposes, to Griffin Colapinto, often referred to as surfing’s Gandhi and who famously cooled Brazilian surf fans after a controversial victory at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch.

The original Gandhi, as BeachGrit’s erudite readers know, was assassinated by a Romanian Army M1934-wielding Hindu nationalist Nathuram Godse.

Gandhi, who was 78 years old at the time but looked one hundred years older, was shot three times at point-blank range as he was walking to a prayer meeting at Birla House in New Delhi. Godse, was a member of the Hindu Mahasabha, a right-wing Hindu nationalist political party, and he held Gandhi responsible for the partition of India and the subsequent violence between Hindus and Muslims.

The exact death toll from the 1947 Partition of India is a little shaky, low-ballers say 200,00, the easily excited claim two mill. Most scholars accept a figure around 1 million.

Gandhi’s assassination was a shocking event that sent shockwaves throughout India and the world. Gandhi had been a leading figure in the Indian independence movement, advocating for nonviolent resistance to British rule.

His assassination was seen as a betrayal of his principles and a tragic end to his life’s work.

Thoughts and prayers with Griff and co.

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Filipe Toledo at Teahupoo
Filipe Toledo, rightly considered among the gold medal favourites at Teahupoo.

Betting odds for Filipe Toledo to win Olympic gold shorten dramatically after small surf forecast for Teahupoo revealed

"It's unlikely we'll see a real banger of a swell…"

Following a shock small-surf forecast for Teahupoo, bookmakers have slashed betting odds for Brazilian small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo, despite his well-document struggle with the wave.

Toledo, a twenty-nine-year-old daddy of two as well as the holder of two world crowns, has long had a difficult relationship with the Tahitian lefthander, as has this writer, five campaigns, zero tubes. 

You’ll recall, one month ago, when the king of surf journalists himself, Surfline’s Nick Carroll, openly declared that Filipe Toledo should give his Olympic spot to Italo Ferreira. 

In an ironic twist, it was against Ferreira in 2015 where Toledo suffered the ignominy of becoming one of only two surfers in pro surfing history to paddle in from a heat without a wave being caught. 

“Fail-wise, it was just beyond epic,” the surfing historian Matt Warshaw told BeachGrit. “And so very public… Filipe’s deal is un-spinnable. He isn’t ready for prime time at Teahupoo… I’m his biggest north-of-50 fan, and I feel sort of crushed by what I saw.” 

Now, howevs, with Surfline predicting “small but rideable/kinda fun and quite westerly south-west swell inn the head high-ish range” and revealing “it’s unlikely we’ll see a real banger of a swell” the odds that Filipe Toledo will win gold have dropped from 26-1 to a very sharp 17-1. 

Tour observers have also noted his recent Instagram posts where the preternaturally talented natural footer demonstrates remarkable calm in small, barrelling Teahupoo. 

Gabriele Medina, John John Florence, Jack Robinson remain the ultra-favourites, however. 

Medina pays 3.45, John John 4.80 and Jackie Robinson 5.75. 

In the women, local Vahine Fierro and Caroline Marks tie for shortest odds, 4.40-1. 

The Paris 2024 Olympic surfing competition at Teahupoo in Tahiti is scheduled to take place between July 27 and August 4, 2024.

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Kyle Glass (left) and Jack Black of Tenacious D maybe no longer friends.
Kyle Glass (left) and Jack Black of Tenacious D maybe no longer friends.

Australian surfers weep after Jack Black fronted Tenacious D cancels tour over misfired Trump assassination joke!

"I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form."

Let’s be honest here. Surf rock and surfing go together like… oysters and fussy accoutrement. I was at a Danish restaurant, recently, and the waiter asked if we wanted our oysters raw or with garnish. I immediately said “raw.” Others at the table looked at me and said “with garnish.” I shrugged, they won, the oysters came out weird and everyone knew it was a less than perfect pairing.

Do you love Dick Dale?

Exactly.

In any case, Australian surfers thrilled, earlier, when the very funny actor Jack Black announced his band Tenacious D was visiting the proverbial down under. Tickets were sold in bulk, Australian surfers girded their loins, and then…

… a lone gunman took a shot at former US President, and current US Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

You certainly know the story, thanks the Queen of Pipeline, and tragic etc. though Jack Black’s Tenacious D bandmate Kyle Glass apparently misread the room.

At the Sydney stop of the tour, and directly after the assassination attempt, Glass was presented with a birthday cake, as it was his birthday. When asked for his wish, he responded, “Don’t miss Trump next time.”

Black, a paragon of virtue, immediately took to social media, afterwards, to declare, “I was blindsided by what was said at the show on Sunday. I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form,” and forthwith canceled the rest of the tour, stating, “After much reflection, I no longer feel it is appropriate to continue the Tenacious D tour, and all future creative plans are on hold. I am grateful to the fans for their support and understanding.”

Surfers on the Gold Coast, at Bells Beach and in Margaret River weeping in their ice cube laced white wines.

Glass, for his part, immediately fell on his sword, stating, “I don’t condone violence of any kind, in any form, against anyone. What happened was a tragedy, and I’m incredibly sorry for my severe lack of judgement. I profoundly apologize to those I’ve let down and truly regret any pain I’ve caused.”

But damage done.

A lightly regarded Australian politician blasted, “I call on the prime minister Anthony Albanese to join me in denouncing Tenacious D, Jack Black and band member Kyle Gass, and I call on the immigration minister Andrew Giles to revoke their visas and deport them immediately.”

No word, as of yet, if visas revoked but tour certainly canceled.

Peak Victoria Bitter.

Here’s a question for you, though. Would you turn on a decades’ old friend over a mistimed joke?

Of course yes.

Yes?

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