"I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form."

Let’s be honest here. Surf rock and surfing go together like… oysters and fussy accoutrement. I was at a Danish restaurant, recently, and the waiter asked if we wanted our oysters raw or with garnish. I immediately said “raw.” Others at the table looked at me and said “with garnish.” I shrugged, they won, the oysters came out weird and everyone knew it was a less than perfect pairing.

Do you love Dick Dale?

Exactly.

In any case, Australian surfers thrilled, earlier, when the very funny actor Jack Black announced his band Tenacious D was visiting the proverbial down under. Tickets were sold in bulk, Australian surfers girded their loins, and then…

… a lone gunman took a shot at former US President, and current US Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

You certainly know the story, thanks the Queen of Pipeline, and tragic etc. though Jack Black’s Tenacious D bandmate Kyle Glass apparently misread the room.

At the Sydney stop of the tour, and directly after the assassination attempt, Glass was presented with a birthday cake, as it was his birthday. When asked for his wish, he responded, “Don’t miss Trump next time.”

Black, a paragon of virtue, immediately took to social media, afterwards, to declare, “I was blindsided by what was said at the show on Sunday. I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form,” and forthwith canceled the rest of the tour, stating, “After much reflection, I no longer feel it is appropriate to continue the Tenacious D tour, and all future creative plans are on hold. I am grateful to the fans for their support and understanding.”

Surfers on the Gold Coast, at Bells Beach and in Margaret River weeping in their ice cube laced white wines.

Glass, for his part, immediately fell on his sword, stating, “I don’t condone violence of any kind, in any form, against anyone. What happened was a tragedy, and I’m incredibly sorry for my severe lack of judgement. I profoundly apologize to those I’ve let down and truly regret any pain I’ve caused.”

But damage done.

A lightly regarded Australian politician blasted, “I call on the prime minister Anthony Albanese to join me in denouncing Tenacious D, Jack Black and band member Kyle Gass, and I call on the immigration minister Andrew Giles to revoke their visas and deport them immediately.”

No word, as of yet, if visas revoked but tour certainly canceled.

Peak Victoria Bitter.

Here’s a question for you, though. Would you turn on a decades’ old friend over a mistimed joke?

Of course yes.

Yes?

A portly hand now on the wheel of antiquity at the "global home of surfing."

The dam broke, yesterday, on rage surrounding the World Surf League’s shameful bungling of women’s surf history. The vast mistake was brought to light by big wave champion Keala Kennelly who had her perfect 10 at Teahupo’o erased by “the global home of surfing” after the recent Tahiti Pro wherein Brazil’s Tatiana Weston-Webb was declared to have scored the first one ever at Teahupo’o. “I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet,” the Kauai-based charger penned.

Mainstream media caught a whiff of the cruel sloppiness and uncovered yet another perfect 10 by a woman out at Head Place, this one Chelsea Hedges back in 2005. The Guardian reached out to the World Surf League though reported “did not respond to a request for comment on the dispute.”

Clearly very aware of the increasing bad press and swinging into damage control, a new “contributing editor” was quietly introduced and seemingly now in charge of history.

Former Stab top gun Ashton Goggans.

The beloved cross-stepper bravely squared his ample shoulders and swung on a comprehensive history of Teahupo’o that included many names including, but not limited to, Keala Kennelly, Melanie Redman-Carr, Chelsea Georgensoen, Rochelle Ballard, and Sofía Mulánovich.

Bold.

Goggans, who was last seen fronting the Anthony Bourdain-esque No Contest, has not been seen since the program was apparently dropped.

Breaths of relief, in any case, throughout the World Surf League’s El Segundo, California’s shared veterinarian offices now that a stout hand is on the wheel of antiquity.

Whew.

Rule one of fame club...

The Olympics. Days away, now, and lives set to be changed forever. Heretofore unknowns will travel to Paris to throw spears, hurdle over obstacles steeplechase and, at the end, if all the stars align, have a gold medal draped around neck and a real moment of fame. Thrust from obscurity to the international stage like Karl Gotch or Eliud Kipchoge.

Our surfers will, of course, be involved though halfway around the world and not in the City of Lights, where I am. It is as fine a town as there is on earth, Paris, and I have been spending these preparatory weeks getting to know the various arrondissements in greater detail than I have ever known them before.

The stress of it all, however, the pressure of endless foie gras, forced me to move a bit further away from the center for a few weeks to see things more clearly. A little time to take the air, as it were. At the airport, a dear BeachGrit reader approached and we had a lovely conversation involving “work.” A famous paparazzi also snapped my photo and sent it to my longtime friend and business partner Derek Rielly.

“The burden of fame,” I thought.

US Olympian Griffin Colapinto might be forced to deal with the same, if he wins at Head Place, though he has been given secrets of how to deal from the great actor and sage Matthew McConaughey. The two became acquainted a few years back after Colapinto read McConaughey’s book then became friend’s with McConaughey’s boy Levi which then led to a friendship with Matt himself.

But who could forget the inspirational message the Texan delivered to Griff before last year’s World Surf League Finals Day?

Never before have surf fans been more moved and, again, a win at Teahupo’o might lead to their pawing and fawning.

Though how to deal? Let’s turn to E! for more:

“Obviously I’m nowhere even close to [McConaughey-level fame],” Griffin said, “but when we go to surf towns for these events, we experience a bit of fame and people wanting to get our autograph and talk to us—and interrupt us when we’re in conversations with other people. It can be challenging.”

Matthew told him that, when he’s in an airport and a fan approaches for a photo, he’ll politely say he’s not taking pictures but will offer to shake hands and ask the person’s name.

“And when people see that he’s not taking photos,” Griffin added, “they end up bailing.”

Or, if the actor is mid-conversation, he’ll make it clear that the selfie seekers will have to wait for him to finish if they want a pic. And oftentimes, they do.

“People will end up waiting 30 minutes to an hour for him to come take a photo,” Griffin marveled. “But he just stays in the moment with whoever he’s talking to, and if people feel like staying, then he’ll do the photo.”

Incroyable.

And I will employ too, if McConaughey and Colapinto don’t mind.

Please wait.

"Weston-Webb’s perfect 10 wasn’t even the second..."

Paris. The City of Light. The City of Love. Host of the ’24 Summer Olympiad wherein athletes from around the world will come and enjoy fine cuisine, heavenly art, architecture, music, poetry… ballet in a finest form. Yes, the runners and jumpers, balance beam balancers and iron ball throwers will be in heaven. I will be covering, from the gilded streets, lightly dusted with Pomeranian waste and be sure to bring you all the gossip.

Unfortunately, our surf heroes, both men and women, will not be here. They will, in fact, be as far away as one can possibly get, exactly halfway across the world, sharing time with Saturday Night Live’s Colin Jost at “The End of the Road” in Tahiti.

Teahupo’o, or Head Place, is no slouch unless we are considering cuisine, art, architecture, music, poetry and ballet. It is one of the most intimidating waves on earth framed by the greenest of crags jutting into the bluest of skies only mocked by the clarity of the water, only lightly tainted by a 25:1 gasoline to oil mixture.

Surf fans are certainly well-acquainted with Teahupo’o, its terror and its glory. The World Surf League, which bills itself as the “global home of surfing” circa 1976, via 2015, maybe less so.

It came under serious criticism, less than one month ago, for its “cruel and sloppy” smear of big wave icon Keala Kennelly. The Tahiti Pro had just been run with tremendous performances from Rio Waida, Gabriel Medina, John John Florence but mostly Vahine Fierro and Tatiana Weston-Webb. The latter caught and amazing, throaty beast and scored a perfect ten, which the World Surf League stamped as “first ever” by a woman.

Per the press release:

Despite losing to eventual event winner Fierro, Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) made history today with the first Perfect 10 ever from a woman at the Tahiti Pro. Weston-Webb dug deep to paddle over the ledge and into a huge set wave, making it to the bottom and almost catching her rail in the critical part of the wave only to recover and put herself deep in the barrel, behind the heavy Teahupo’o curtain. Weston-Webb then navigated the foam ball and the spit to fly out of the barrel for the Perfect score. Weston-Webb’s amazing surfing continues to push surfing’s progression even more in today’s pumping conditions.

Unfortunately, over two decades earlier, the aforementioned Kennelly dug deep to paddle over teh ledge and into a huge set wave, making it to the bottom, putting herself deep in the barrel and scoring a perfect ten. The Kauai local was forced to take to social media to declare:

I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet.

Maybe included in the “past generations,” though not specifically mentioned, was Chelsea Hedges and let us turn to the mainstream media titan Guardian for the pile on:

Weston-Webb’s perfect 10 wasn’t even the second. Australian surfer and 2005 world champion Chelsea Hedges also scored a perfect 10 at the wave the same year the event was cancelled, Kennelly said in a video posted to Instagram. Reporting from the time of these events verifies Kennelly’s claims, and the WSL website now refers to Weston-Webb’s perfect 10 as “the first since the women’s event’s return at the Tahiti Pro”. The WSL did not respond to a request for comment on the dispute.

But do you imagine the AI bot that wrote the press release has been unplugged? Maybe even replaced by one that enjoys strong coffee, spicy food and live music?

One “Emily Morgan” is certainly looking for a job now that her old employer, Surfer Magazine, is helmed by a “real boy.”

The World Surf League refusing to respond to a request for comment is not uncommon, as the organization makes Kim Jong Un’s North Korea look like a free speech paradise.

Erik Logan?

Are you there?

More as the story develops.