A portly hand now on the wheel of antiquity at the "global home of surfing."
The dam broke, yesterday, on rage surrounding the World Surf League’s shameful bungling of women’s surf history. The vast mistake was brought to light by big wave champion Keala Kennelly who had her perfect 10 at Teahupo’o erased by “the global home of surfing” after the recent Tahiti Pro wherein Brazil’s Tatiana Weston-Webb was declared to have scored the first one ever at Teahupo’o. “I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet,” the Kauai-based charger penned.
Mainstream media caught a whiff of the cruel sloppiness and uncovered yet another perfect 10 by a woman out at Head Place, this one Chelsea Hedges back in 2005. The Guardian reached out to the World Surf League though reported “did not respond to a request for comment on the dispute.
Clearly very aware of the increasing bad press and swinging into damage control, a new “contributing editor” was quietly introduced and seemingly now in charge of history.
Former Stab top gun Ashton Goggans.
The beloved cross-stepper bravely squared his ample shoulders and swung on a comprehensive history of Teahupo’o that included many names including, but not limited to, Keala Kennelly, Melanie Redman-Carr, Chelsea Georgensoen, Rochelle Ballard, and Sofía Mulánovich.
Bold.
Goggans, who was last seen fronting the Anthony Bourdain-esque No Contest, has not been seen since the program was apparently dropped.
Breaths of relief, in any case, throughout the World Surf League’s El Segundo, California’s shared veterinarian offices now that a stout hand is on the wheel of antiquity.
Whew.
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Ball Goggans is an editor now for the WSL? Character revealing indeed! Surprised this update would escape the ever-seeing eye of the bg* commentariat.
*Beach Grit not Ball Goggans
Putting goo goo goggans and Bourdain in the same sentence is a travesty.
A redundant hire with Joe and Salazaar already the in house know it alls.
“Hi JMD, sorry you didn’t pick up, maybe I’m not in your contacts yet?? Have to fix that, heh heh. So this is RC, still trying to find my footing, you know get my feet in the wax as you ‘core’ surfers call it, ha ha. Anyhoo, saw this thing on BeachGrit about how something called the wozzle (I think that’s us, right??) messed up the messaging on the ladies’ contest in Tahiti? Is that right? I have no idea of course, since if it happened in surfing before this year in Brazil I just have to google it. Which reminds me, do you think that surf history guy in Seattle you mentioned could give me some lessons? I bet I could fit them in on Tuesdays and Thursdays right after my surf lessons at Doheny. Ok, that’s all — oh, almost forgot, thanks again for the gift of those fins for my new board. Are those supposed to point toward the back or the front? Can never remember. Anyway, thank you, very thoughtful, love the colors.”
“Mr. Crosby, this is Jessi. So sorry I didn’t pick up, when my caller ID said ‘CEO’ I panicked and thought it was that other guy calling me from Manhattan Beach. He used to get so angry when I missed his calls. He would scream at me, so loud, ‘it’s a make or break world, Jessi, and you are a total loser who definitely will not make it!’ he would say. Such bad memories, so bad. But I’m very sorry, so sorry, back to your message. No idea why you might be reading BeachGrit, except for those memes that Pauly guy does, those are great – very sorry, I digress a lot, so sorry. I do know someone who can help though, you mentioning BeachGrit made me think of him, he has some kind of history over there I think, something involving slaps and cops, not totally sure, I try not to read that stuff, so mean, so very, very mean. Still not as bad as Mr. Manhattan Beach, but bad, very bad. At least they don’t scream though. There I go again, so sorry, very sorry, back to the point. I think this gentleman might help us, I don’t think he’s busy right now. I’ll text you his info. And yes, maybe some history lessons would help. You can start slow, just learn things like what ASP and NSSA stand for, and who MR and Rabbit are. And yes, to answer your other question from earlier, the name Tom Curren does ring a bell, he’s a pretty good surfer, and yes he is from California. Oh, and no problem with the fins, glad you like them, we usually try to make sure they point backward, unless you have a board from that other Ryan, Lovelace, and then you can just stick them in any direction.”
The best part of this whole “saga” is kennelly trolling herself by committing the same offence that she’s crying about.
I dare you, Charles, double dare you, to let him
penispen a piece for your august journal, and critics be dammed.Why?
Why not.
Confusion is cool.
Poor old Tony Bourd’s.
That critter he was involved with at the end looked like a right mangy beast.
Poor bugger…
He’s not even a fat cunt anymore, this is your “my long haired opponents” moment ha!
Xox
Stout!
Mais, tu es un cochon avec tout les nourritures en France oui, tu es gross bientôt ha!
Xox
Never!
https://thegoodlifefrance.com/how-do-french-women-stay-slim/
Oui oui. Elles est la plus magnifique femmes sur la terre ohlalalalallalalalalala.
Xox
that image of Ashton looks like the missing link between Homo Erectus and Homo Neanderthalensis,
commonly known as Homo Ashtontakesitintheassus.
Somehow he will incorporate the Sam George vibe to his demeanor with new found “Ashtontakesitintheassus” spirit to become Chas’s kryptonite..
No Contest was pretty good.
bold take. I did like the parts where they interviewed the non-pro’s. It also led me to go back and read DR’s old BG interviews with Lewis Samuels, which I guess was a side piece kind of benefit.
Lewis was such a good-ish sport!
Oh Corey
yeah good if you just pretended Goggins wasn’t involved
Without Goggins there’d be no Chas Goggins feud. The Chas Goggins feud might be my favorite feud in surfing.
true that, the antithesis of Kelly vs Andy