Former top ten comic Kurt Braunohler and "the moment."
Former top ten comic Kurt Braunohler and "the moment."

Former top ten comic nearly breaks neck in eldritch surf wipeout

"Before I really understood what was happening a lifeguard had me in a neck brace and an ambulance was on its way."

We surfers know the dangers of our second favorite pastime (after hunting the finest foie gras) and don’t take paddling out into the ocean lightly. Ever. Except maybe for those days where warm offshore winds tickles a Surfline 3 – 4 feet of beachbreak swell (actual wave heights 1 – 2 feet) but even then the terrors of a rogue leashless longboard or stepping on a stingray are ever present.

And let us become introduced to Kurt Braunohler, a beloved comic named “Top 10” by Variety, a few decades ago, and hailed for making the audience “see things that were always there but never noticed” by The New York Times.

Well, the ocean does not read reviews, good or bad, and dealt the 48-year-old a nearly life-changing blow, days ago. He reports:

I grew up surfing. I deeply love it. It’s a core part of how I understand myself. For the last two years I hadn’t gotten out much (kids, work, out-of-shape, etc), and it bummed me out. Two weeks ago I had a revelatory session. The best I’d had in years. I kept saying (out loud to no one) “I’m back baby!” I was stoked.

Two days later I was psyched to go out again. 15 minutes in. i drop in, the wave closes out and catches me on the head and drills me head first into a very shallow sand bar. My neck bent in a scary way. I heard a breaking noise. In my 35 years of surfing I’ve never had anything like it happen. I was pretty scared.

I (thankfully) walked out of the water, bleeding and disoriented. Before I really understood what was happening a lifeguard had me in a neck brace and an ambulance was on its way. Spent the day at the hospital and got it scanned. I’m very lucky there’s no bone damage. (My thanks to the lifeguards and paramedics who helped me.)

I was stuck for a while between feeling grateful to be alive and angry that it happened. But I’m letting the grateful side win. Thank you. thank you. thank you. I’m grateful to be able to walk the dog. I’m grateful to have dinner with my kids (who won’t stay seated for more than 30 seconds). I’m grateful to my wife for dropping everything and racing to the hospital to bring my glasses and buy me Jersey Mike’s and lift things for me. I Love you. I’m so happy to be here.

A real wake up call.

A “graphic” warning was included in the slide show and vulnerable adult learners are encouraged to not look at this image here.

Fans immediately flooded Braunohler’s feed with heartfelt well wishes including funny man Bert Kreischer whom you certainly know from the Ryan Reynolds’ film made on his life, Van Wilder, his standup, podcast or love of BeachGrit. Leaning into the latter, “The Machine” penned “@beach.grit headlines???”

Though the whole business is six days in the rearview, The People’s™ surf portal is always willing to lend a hand, thus, “Former top ten comic nearly breaks neck in eldritch surf wipeout.”

Not the best but often good enough is good enough.

Or, in the parlance of BeachGrit, “We sometimes sort of try.”

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Teenage Australian rescued at Teahupoo thanks men who saved his life and issues grim warning.
Teen Australian Byron Mcloughlin issues grim warning to anyone thinking they can swing in on and shoot Teahupoo.

Teen surf photographer almost killed at Teahupoo issues ominous warning ahead of Paris 2024 Games

“Teahupoo is the heaviest wave on the planet…stay on the boat.”

The Australian surf photographer Byron Mcloughlin is lucky as hell he was surrounded by some of the best watermen in the game three days back when he was found floating face-down during a heavy eight-foot Teahupoo swell. 

Nineeten-year-old Mclouhglin, who was shooting the action from an inflatable bodyboard, had been sucked over the falls on an earlier set and had ended up in the lagoon. 

The former tour surfer Michel Bourez went in to pick him up and brought him back to the channel. 

Mcloughlin went back into the lineup to shoot and thirty minutes later was found face down by Santa Cruz photographer Ryan Craig and local bodyboarder Angelo Fararie during a lull. 

When Mcloughlin was flipped over his lips were blue and he was foaming at the mouth. 

Writing from his hospital bed in Papeete, Mcloughlin has thanked all those involved in his rescue and warned others to maybe not take shooting from the water at Teahupoo lightly. 

“I also owe my life to the real hero’s who kept me alive in the marine at Teahupoo, @david.ariimoana @clement_roseyro @tikanuismith @bourezmichel @taxiboatcocoteahupoo @angelofaraire I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if it weren’t for your courage bravery and knowledge when shit gets real…Teahupoo is seriously no joke and without a doubt the heaviest wave on the planet. Safety first is a must and stay on the boats when you can.” 

Teen surf photographer Byron Mcloughlin thanks Tahitians who saved his life at Teahupoo.
Box Mcloughlin thanks his Teahupoo rescuers.

In a post one day earlier, and prophetic as anything as it turns out, Tahitian surfer-diver Tehutu Wong fired a broadside to anyone who thought they might wanna tackle mean ol’ Teahupoo.

“Cameraman don’t forget for your safety to pay a drive and stay on the boats!! Only locals filming from the water!!”

Tahitian Tehutu Wong issues warning to surf photographers and Teahupoo
Tehutu Wong’s prophetic warning to photographers a day before teenage Australian Byron Mcloughlin almost drowned.
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Shannen Doherty (pictured) a surfing babe.
Shannen Doherty (pictured) a surfing babe.

Tributes pour in for Beverly Hills 90201 star and surfing bad girl Shannen Doherty dead at 53

“I have a rep. Did I earn it? Yeah, I did."

Amidst increasingly weird and wild times, the surf world came together to mourn the passing of the great actress Shannen Doherty at the too young age of 53. The Hollywood star, who became notable to surf fans during her run on Beverly Hills 90210 as the girlfriend of surfing bad boy Dylan McKay, played to the hilt by Luke Perry.

The two would often sneak away in McKay’s vintage Porsche Speedster for unsanctioned Malibu surfs.

In one episode real trouble struck when Doherty, who played Brenda Walsh, witnessed a horror surf accident.

Doherty’s publicist declared, “It is with a heavy heart that I confirm the passing of actress Shannen Doherty. On Saturday, July 13, she lost her battle with cancer after many years of fighting the disease.”

In a 2020 interview with Good Morning, America, the actress revealed that her cancer diagnosis was terminal while sharing more about her life in television/film. “I have a rep,” she gamely stated. “Did I earn it? Yeah, I did. But, after a while you sort of try to shed that rep because you’re kind of a different person. You’ve evolved and all of the bad things you’ve done in your life have brought you to a much better place.”

Perry, of course, died at the tender age of 52 after suffering a series of strokes.

Surf fans trusting they are enjoying the hereafter together.

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Rage on the faces of Australia's surf squad.
Rage on the faces of Australia's surf squad.

Australia’s Olympic surf squad cries foul after country sends coffee experts to Paris but not Teahupo’o ahead of Games

"It's NOT FAIR!"

Australia is the most isolated continent on earth. There if floats in the southern hemisphere, counting only small-ish island nations as neighbors. Small-ish island nations and New Zealand, which also just so happens to be a small-ish island nation. It makes a certain amount of sense that those living down under have never heard of Paris’ culinary delights.

Yes, the host of the 2024 Olympic Games is teeming with the most delicious treasures. France, in general, and Paris, specifically, can be said to be top of class in force fed livers, baby cow, duck, both aged and young, eggs in crust, oysters on the half shell and coffee. Every street in the City of Light has multiple kiosks, cafes or full blown restaurants where the weary passerby can dip in and perk up with double espresso, americano or cappuccino. The French, mercifully, stuck their noses up at the third-wave coffee movement and serve theirs lightly burnt.

Delicious.

I take mine each morning near the Palais Garnier, staring up at the statue of Harmonie.

Gorgeous.

But, again, apparently unknown to Australia, which is sending foodstuffs and baristas to Paris to feed its athletes during the Games.

Per Delicious.com.au

They say that home is where the heart is. As it turns out, it’s where the Vegemite is too. Despite heading to one of the world’s food capitals, Paris, Australian Olympians will be treated to a little taste of home during their stints in the Olympic Village.

During a press conference on Wednesday, June 5, the Australian Olympic Committee announced the special touches planned for the athletes as they battle it out for gold at the Paris 2024 games.

Creature comforts like Vegemite, Weet-Bix, Four’n’Twenty pies, Milo, and a trio of travelling baristas will be available to our athletes, fuelling them with flat whites and keeping homesickness at bay.

The Irukandji surf squad, however, likely furious as there is no mention of Vegemite nor three baristas heading to “The End of the Road.” Yes, Tahiti, in general, and Teahupo’o, specifically, has… poisson cru. Poisson cru for breakfast, poisson cru for lunch and poisson cru for dinner. It is sometimes ok. Never top of class and rage, I’d imagine, in Tyler Wright’s camp as she will be undernourished while fighting a bevy of health issues.

Ethan Ewing, too, whose fine figure will no doubt suffer.

Light a candle, please.

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Donald Trump and Moana Jones Wong.
President Donald Trump seconds after assassination attempt, left, and Moana Jones Wong, Queen of Pipe.

Queen of Pipeline Moana Jones Wong praises Donald Trump in wake of assassination attempt!

“That’s my president”

Moana Jones Wong, whose wildly dominant performance against the best surfers in the world at Pipeline a couple of years back made her, briefly, the toast of the surfing, has posted her support for President Donald Trump after ol Donny nearly caught a bullet in the neck down there in Pennsylvania.

Under a re-posted clip of the Trump assassination attempt cut to 50 Cents’ Many Men by Nathan Florence’s filmer Zoard Janko, Wong writes simply: 

“That’s my president.” 

Moana Jones Wong on Donald Trump
Moana Jones Wong likes Prez Donald Trump.

Surfers, who naturally tend to skew right politically, this ain’t the seventies anymore, broadly supported Wong’s position, with only one outlier writing: 

“I didn’t know there was lead in Hawaii’s drinking water”

and

“Now we know who you really are.” 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Zoard Janko (@zoard)

The last time Wong was on these pages was almost one year ago when the Pipe champ was slammed for transphobic comments in a wild fusillade by the Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing, a “non-profit, which accepts all races, cultures, sexual orientations, gender identities, national origins, abilities, socioeconomic backgrounds, gender expressions, countries of origin, ethnicities, religions and genders”.

Surf Equity were made very sad after Water People, the podcast from off-the-grid living liberals Dave Rastovich and Lauren Hill featured an interview with Wong.

A little irony here. Hill made noise when she claimed The Surfer’s Journal “blatantly excludes female surfers, writers and photographers from the pages of TSJ”

(JP Currie wrote about that episode here.)

“What was the rationale behind Water People’s decision to feature a conversation with a prominent surfer, Moana Jones Wong, who was been associated with controversial statements?” Surf Equity posted.

“In 2023, Wong aligned herself with Bethany Hamilton in expressing views that were perceived as anti-trans and targeted towards LGBTQIA+ surfers. Additionally, Wong made comments questioning the competitive prowess of cisgender women in professional surfing, suggesting that they were inadequate in comparison to a trans woman. These incidents contribute to the rise of anti-trans sentiments within the pro surfing community, involving numerous athletes.”

The assassination attempt, meanwhile, will drive the news cycle for the next week.

Tell me: set-up, crazed Antifa man-gal, CIA, FBI, Russkies, Ukrainians, Jews or just a loose unit with a gun? 

Kelly Slater is being sought for comment.

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