"What does surfing even mean anymore?"

There was once a clear and easy way to identify a surfer when out on the streets or in a grocery store. By the fluorescent plastic square digital watch velcro’d to his, or her, wrist. Yes, bleached hair tips, Oakley Frogskins, Flojo sandals and Gotcha jams were all clues of a possible surf-based lifestyle but the Shark watch was the dead giveaway.

Every ripper who was any ripper rocked the Shark from Frieda Zamba to Mike Parsons to Kelly Slater to the rad kid who lived on 17th and rode a hot pink Haro.

Times change, of course, along with surfer style but the iconic timepiece held its place, recently appearing on the wrist of the aforementioned as he embraced Gabriel Medina.

Understandable, then, that the Freestyle team has a giant tummy ache this morning after sucking much bitter gall. World Tempus, you see, released its highly anticipated “best watches for surfing at the Olympic Games” guide and Shark was left completely off.

Included were the TAG Heuer Aquaracer 300 Professional Date, the IWC Schaffhausen Aquatimer Chronograph and the Ulysse Nardin Blast Moonstruck.

And, again, not included was Shark.

Do you have a Shark story that might be shared in order to soothe the belly?

How many did you wear at a time?

Zamba (pictured above) and the three stack is pretty peak.

"I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form."

Let’s be honest here. Surf rock and surfing go together like… oysters and fussy accoutrement. I was at a Danish restaurant, recently, and the waiter asked if we wanted our oysters raw or with garnish. I immediately said “raw.” Others at the table looked at me and said “with garnish.” I shrugged, they won, the oysters came out weird and everyone knew it was a less than perfect pairing.

Do you love Dick Dale?

Exactly.

In any case, Australian surfers thrilled, earlier, when the very funny actor Jack Black announced his band Tenacious D was visiting the proverbial down under. Tickets were sold in bulk, Australian surfers girded their loins, and then…

… a lone gunman took a shot at former US President, and current US Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

You certainly know the story, thanks the Queen of Pipeline, and tragic etc. though Jack Black’s Tenacious D bandmate Kyle Glass apparently misread the room.

At the Sydney stop of the tour, and directly after the assassination attempt, Glass was presented with a birthday cake, as it was his birthday. When asked for his wish, he responded, “Don’t miss Trump next time.”

Black, a paragon of virtue, immediately took to social media, afterwards, to declare, “I was blindsided by what was said at the show on Sunday. I would never condone hate speech or encourage political violence in any form,” and forthwith canceled the rest of the tour, stating, “After much reflection, I no longer feel it is appropriate to continue the Tenacious D tour, and all future creative plans are on hold. I am grateful to the fans for their support and understanding.”

Surfers on the Gold Coast, at Bells Beach and in Margaret River weeping in their ice cube laced white wines.

Glass, for his part, immediately fell on his sword, stating, “I don’t condone violence of any kind, in any form, against anyone. What happened was a tragedy, and I’m incredibly sorry for my severe lack of judgement. I profoundly apologize to those I’ve let down and truly regret any pain I’ve caused.”

But damage done.

A lightly regarded Australian politician blasted, “I call on the prime minister Anthony Albanese to join me in denouncing Tenacious D, Jack Black and band member Kyle Gass, and I call on the immigration minister Andrew Giles to revoke their visas and deport them immediately.”

No word, as of yet, if visas revoked but tour certainly canceled.

Peak Victoria Bitter.

Here’s a question for you, though. Would you turn on a decades’ old friend over a mistimed joke?

Of course yes.

Yes?

A portly hand now on the wheel of antiquity at the "global home of surfing."

The dam broke, yesterday, on rage surrounding the World Surf League’s shameful bungling of women’s surf history. The vast mistake was brought to light by big wave champion Keala Kennelly who had her perfect 10 at Teahupo’o erased by “the global home of surfing” after the recent Tahiti Pro wherein Brazil’s Tatiana Weston-Webb was declared to have scored the first one ever at Teahupo’o. “I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet,” the Kauai-based charger penned.

Mainstream media caught a whiff of the cruel sloppiness and uncovered yet another perfect 10 by a woman out at Head Place, this one Chelsea Hedges back in 2005. The Guardian reached out to the World Surf League though reported “did not respond to a request for comment on the dispute.”

Clearly very aware of the increasing bad press and swinging into damage control, a new “contributing editor” was quietly introduced and seemingly now in charge of history.

Former Stab top gun Ashton Goggans.

 

The beloved cross-stepper bravely squared his ample shoulders and swung on a comprehensive history of Teahupo’o that included many names including, but not limited to, Keala Kennelly, Melanie Redman-Carr, Chelsea Georgensoen, Rochelle Ballard, and Sofía Mulánovich.

Bold.

Goggans, who was last seen fronting the Anthony Bourdain-esque No Contest, has not been seen since the program was apparently dropped.

Breaths of relief, in any case, throughout the World Surf League’s El Segundo, California’s shared veterinarian offices now that a stout hand is on the wheel of antiquity.

Whew.