Kelly Slater (insert) celebrating Bud Light's fall.
Kelly Slater (insert) celebrating Bud Light's fall.

Beer liked by surf great Kelly Slater surges to second most popular in US!

Bud Light, meanwhile, continues staggering fall.

When one thinks of Kelly Slater, the 11x world surf champion, him liking and/or drinking beer is not the first thing that pops to mind. The 54-year-old has been public about his dislike of strong drink. The great surf scribe Jamie Brisick even went so far as to call him “dangerously sober.”

Slater openly states that his position initially came from his mother, who, “…was like, ‘Look around you.’ She said, ‘I’ll be surprised if you ever see anyone who’s successful who’s an alcoholic or does drugs. It just doesn’t lead anywhere good. Put your energy into what you love.’” That stuck in Slater’s head and he’s lived his life sober. The equation is easy. If you think drugs and alcohol are going to help you get better at what you do, good luck… but it’s not going to happen.”

You can imagine, then, the shock when, six years ago, the father of almost two made a very public statement that he, in fact, likes beer. Slater can be seen paddling into the horizon with a bevy of others crooning “roll out the barrel and lend me your ears…”

Well, that beer he likes, Michelob Ultra, has slungshot off that endorsement all the way into the second most popular in the United States of America, leapfrogging the still-staggering Bud Light.

You will recall, the buzzsaw Bud Light waltzed into almost one year ago by putting the face of trans darling Dylan Mulvaney on a can which led to Kid Rock shooting up a case of suds which led to a boycott etc.

These being the culture war days of our lives.

Bud Light, in any case, is enjoyed 6.5% of the American public, Slater’s Michelob Ultra sipped by 7.3% and Mexico’s Modelo slugged the most, a whopping 9.7%.

But do you think that Rip Curl is sweating the tumble? You will also remember when the Australian wetsuit brand came under fire for celebrating trans surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson though very quickly erasing the support then apologizing. Breaths certainly being held in Torquay.

Slater, anyhow, never controversial.

A rocket to riches.

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Aranui 5 and bad non-Polynesian tattoo.
The Aranui 5, main picture, and, inset, a cute Wednesday from the Addams Family tatt, not available on the A5, unfortunately.

Cargo freighter despatched to Teahupoo as floating hotel for Olympic athletes will offer “first tattoo studio at sea”

The Aranui 5 will offer athletes the chance to be decorated with Polynesian-style tattoos based upon their life stories.

Last year, as Paris 2024 fever started to build, Games organisers announced Olympic athletes would not be staying in that pretty little town at the end of the road and would instead lodge in a floating hotel anchored just offshore. 

The Aranui 5, which makes a 12-day circuit of French Polynesia every month, has been described as “the Pacific’s strangest cruise ship” and “the weird offspring of a love affair between a cargo freighter and a passenger liner.”

It ain’t luxury by any stretch but a serviceable and pleasant enough joint to spend a couple of weeks on and necessary after a local Teahupoo hotel, which had been shut for 26 years, was unable be readied in time. 

Now, it can be revealed, the Aranui 5 will offer athletes the chance to be decorated with genuine Polynesian-style tattoos based upon their life stories after one of its massage rooms was repurposed into a floating tattoo parlour. 

The ship’s resident tattooist Eddy Tara averages fifteen tattoos a week and says,

“I first discuss with the client to find out what he’d like to represent. All the pieces I make are unique to the person wearing them. The tattoos tell their story, their experiences, and their feelings. But the symbols used are all the same. It is the symbols and placement together that tells the story. They tell their own story, like in a book that they’ll keep for life inked on their skin.”

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Jon Pyzel and Matt Parker, at war.
Jon Pyzel and Matt Parker, at war.

Blood feud: Jon Pyzel vs Album Surf’s Matt Parker, “If I was him I would work on keeping my uninformed opinions to myself”

"Matt Parker seems to be a bit of a dipshit."

If you’ve ever jumped into the lap of the transcendentally sexy Jon Pyzel, shaper to John John Florence since the kid was five and creator of the breakthrough Ghost design, you’ll know what an accessible and enchanting being he is.

Therefore, when I was alerted to Jon Pyzel employing the language of the streets, of sailors and pimps, to describe another shaper, in this case Album Surf’s Matt Parker, whom you enjoyed in yesterday’s hydra-headed war with Stab, well, I had to look.

It turns out Pzyel is very sad about comments made by Matt Parker in a video interview with Tuttologic Surf, a lightly viewed, yes like BeachGrit, YouTube channel.

“I kind of wish this video was never pointed out to me because it makes me so pissed off!” writes Pyzel. “Matt Parker seems to be a bit of a dipshit. I personally shaped Jack dozens of boards and also had my crew in Oz make him boards when he was living there. Jack’s CT ranking peaked during our time together and I was stoked to see him find competitive success, as well as work closely with him to fine tune his boards to help him try to achieve his goals. It wasn’t until he decided to retire from competitive surfing that he started riding for Album. The hard part of working with Jack was not that he wasn’t a lovely person, he is, but his competitive insecurities were often laid on to me and the way his boards were working. Put simply, in his mind if he was winning heats his boards were good, if he lost a heat his boards weren’t good. The WCT level is an elite space in surfing that Matt Parker’s boards have yet to occupy and the attention to detail I get into with all of my team riders falls far beyond “here, ride this model”. I can let my team riders do my talking when it comes to elite level surfing, both in contest and freesurfing , and you won’t catch me talking bad about other shapers that I have never even met face to face. If I was him I would work on keeping my uninformed opinions to myself, rather than going on youtube and talking sh!t about me.”

When contacted for comment, Album Surf responded,

“People love to hate us The right amount of people love us. Matt his having his seventh kid. Pyzel or any other surfboard maker never comes up in our meetings. We want all the major surfboard shapers to do well, so that blank and resin prices don’t skyrocket. We have our niche. We’re not looking dominate or clash with shapers.”

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Stab (pictured) taunting before calling the Orange County Sheriff Dept.
Stab (pictured) taunting before calling the Orange County Sheriff Dept.

Gentle surfboard shaper publicly whipped by premium surf website offers humble defense against scurrilous charge!

Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, likely ready to call the police.

Surf fans gathered in the public square dropped jaws in shock, hours ago, after premium surf website Stab, Lord and Master of all Surfboard Shapers, brought the humble Album Surfboards out in stocks and openly declared that the San Clemente artisan “never stops complaining” and, thus, delivering a hearty paternalistic spank to the bottom.

Album, you see, had been left out of the lightly anticipated Electric Acid Surfboard Test, and merely informed its followers of the fact.

But Stab, Father and Sovereign over Foam Carvers, took great umbrage to the insolence and branded Album a serial grouse.

Well-advised to take the beating and scurry off, Album decided to humbly offer an explanation, declaring, “Only complained once about having to send a 7’0″ gun to the Maldives for Mick Fanning. Completely in the past. Good on you for celebrating up-and-coming shapers; we can’t wait to watch.”

Stab, Ruler and King of Passive Aggressitvity, has yet to respond to the direct challenge but will certainly come down extremely aggressively, passively.

A junior high girl, certainly, being consulted for the best way to claw back.

Or worse.

Album should consider itself lucky if the Orange County Sheriff Department isn’t at its doorstep come morning.

They have been called, by Stab, for much lesser offenses. 

It might get still worse, however.

More as the story develops.

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Stab (pictured) in the big boss' char.
Stab (pictured) in the big boss' char.

Premium surf website publicly lashes humble surfboard shaper for getting out of line!

"Put you in a couple times, never stopped complaining. Thought we'd give the opportunity to someone else."

Stab Magazine, fondée 20something, has long been a innovative pioneer in the surf media space. From colorful comics to double covers (one side of the issue featuring surf, the other fashion) to coffee table books to award-winning Fred Pawle journalism to explosive Mick Fanning controversy to beloved video installments, surf fans have been wildly entertained.

Concerning the latter, Stab began its Stab in the Dark series which transformed the once-nebbish shaper into a rich and famous bon vivant. Note …Lost surfboard’s Matt Biolos before fame…

…and after fame…

Yes, the shaper has flourished madly, winning awards and even being treated to a second Stab in the Dark called The Electric Surfboard Acid Test wherein less traditional models are explored by a professional surfer of note.

And this is where our trouble begins. Stab staffers, enjoying the raw power of kingmaking,  have taken on an extremely paternal tone when it comes to shapers getting out of line. If any dare challenge the opinion of the premium subscription blog, the wooden spoon is retrieved from the proverbial drawer and the offending craftsman publicly spanked.

But let us take the case of Matt Parker and crew at Album surfboards. The San Clemente-based design genius has seen his star rise faster than maybe any other shaper in the past five years. Album boasts wildly innovative yet gorgeous boards, a stable of ridiculously talented riders and a reputation second to none. Parker is humble, hard-working and talented, though was not invited to participate in this year’s Acid Test.

Taking to Instagram Threads, the Album team simply informed his community “FYI we’re not in the Electric Acid Surfboard Test.” A curious passerby asked, “Why not?”

“We don’t make those calls,” Album responded.

Smelling the audacity of any challenge whatsoever, Stab, dressed in its most passive-aggressive dad pants, snorted, “Put you in a couple times, never stopped complaining. Thought we’d give the opportunity to someone else.”

Take that, I guess, Album.

And let any other shaper who happens to be reading learn the lesson, too, or else feel the chilly wrath of Ashton Goggans’ replacement.

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